Category: Relationships

All the relationship articles

Categories
Blog Relationships

Thank you God for everything!

Thank you God for everything!

Radhanath Swami - Thank you God for everything!‘It doesn’t take a great person to blame others or to complain, but it takes a very very great person to thank god in difficulties.’ – Radhanath Swami

According to our karmas (manifest/unmainfest effects of our actions), we have a particular destiny. But however good our karma is, there will be honor and distress, pleasure and pain, success and failure, heat and cold etc because this is a world of dualities. You cannot have one without the other. But if you become attached to the positive side, to that degree you will suffer when the negative side inevitably comes before us. The solution to this is given by Krishna in the Bhagavad Gita, He tells us that we should transcend the dualities of life. But, how to transcend dualities of love/hate in a marriage or happiness/ distress in the work place or pride/humility when we have competition or pleasure/pain while raising children?

We can transcend dualities by seeing the Lord in everything, by looking upon circumstances in our lives as His mercy that has come to help us grow into a beautiful person, beyond our vision. And when we learn to offer the fruits of our action as an act of service for god, we can instantly transcend the dualities of material existence and enter the divine realm, beyond love/hate relationships and we are then able to see the other person as a gift of God who has come to us to help us get over our own anarthas (contamination’s) that block our spiritual growth.

tat te ‘nukampäà su-samékñamäëo

bhuïjäna evätma-kåtaà vipäkam

håd-väg-vapurbhir vidadhan namas te

jéveta yo mukti-pade sa däya-bhäk.

(Srimad Bhagvatam 10:14:8)

Radhanath Swami explains,“When a person is undergoing serious tribulations, and in that condition with folded palms and tears of sincerity in his heart he thanks god saying I deserved worst, but I know my lord you have a purpose behind this and I am grateful.”

– Mrs. Preethi Dhiman

…Read Articles in preethi’s Blog

Categories
Blog Relationships

LOVE, FOREVER!

LOVE, FOREVER!

LOVE, FOREVER!What is true love? Does it exist in this temporal world? When one says, ‘I’m in love with you,” what do we really mean? Let me explain a little bit to clearly bring out the essence. The mind is a thing and so is the body. It is not part of a person but it is just the covering of a person. The atma or the soul, also called the Jiva, is source of life & that is a person. So, to love someone really means to love the soul in that person and real attachment in the higher reality means being attached to the source of life or being attached to the soul. For eg: When someone close to you dies, there is no much love for the dead corpse but there is love for the person that has left that body, isnt it?

So, everytime we hear a young lover say, ‘I’m in love with you,’ please note that this is not the real love that we are seeking but it is just an expression of ones attachment to the temporary gross body. In actuality, when one says I’m in love with you, it just means, ‘Please satisfy my senses,’ & if you don’t then, ‘I hate you.’ This temporal world is full of dualities, because even though we are not this body, we identify strongly with it, its pleasures & pains & its needs. Therefore, we find that we are not satisfied.

The reason we are not satisfied is because the soul is hungry for true love. The nature of the soul is ‘sat cid ananda,’ it is eternal, full of knowledge and full of bliss. What is that pleasure? It is the pleasure of prema or love. That is the only food that actually gives satisfaction to the heart–to love and to be loved. Actually, when one aspires to find such love, love that satisfies our soul, then it is the highest we can aspire for in our lives.

But we need to use our intelligence to actualize such high aspirations and when our intelligence is being guided by the actual needs and wants of the soul, then our life is directed toward experiencing the highest form of love and happiness thereby. But when our intelligence is being guided by the mind and the senses as against the actual wants and needs of the soul, it leads us to many a binding karmic situations and the perpetuation’s of illusion, which we misunderstand to be love or happiness and it eventually leads us onto the path of misery and suffering only! Everything that we experience through the mind and the senses is “duhkhalayam asasvatam”–it is temporary & brings us misery! All the things we are attached to–be it people or things, will be destroyed & it will end in due course of time.

But, how do we train our senses and mind? The secret is in perfecting our existing relationships. I repeat – The secret of training our senses and mind is in perfecting our existing relationships. All our relationships happen to us with the sole purpose of purifying our existence. Radhanath Swami defines purification as the means of bringing something back to its natural state. Just like pure water means there is no contamination in it. The vedic scriptures prescribe that we can turnaround our situations and miserable conditions of existence when we redefine our love for someone through the means of serving them selflessly. Through rendering service, developing pure motivations and nurturing a genuine concern of wellbeing of everyone around us, we gradually develop divine qualities and bring our mind and consciousness in harmony with the original nature of our soul. As we purify our motives and our selfish tendencies, we begin to attract divine love back into our lives, the love which is the highest treasure and aspiration in all worlds then begins to shine upon us in all its tenderness, bringing fulfillment and unlimited bliss to our being.

Some Relationship pitfalls :

1. To be judgmental: Being judgmental about each and every action of others is not progressive but it is simply distractive. It facilitates us to be argumentative or angry or at best we end up carrying these burdensome thoughts in our mind and breed them day after day until they explode someday. The simple solution to this pitfall is to be non-judgmental. Judging is a force of habit, so we simply have to turn it around and practice being non-judgmental. This requires us just to be aware of our thoughts and actions each and every moment to begin with and arrest judgmental thoughts using our higher intelligence. For eg: Our neighbors dont talk to us ever (because they think they are superior). Stop your mind before it starts the judgmental thought which is given in the bracket. Instead, you can just repeat the fact that your neighbors dont talk to you & be peaceful with it. Believe me, it works like wonder!

2. Harboring negative thoughts about the other person/s: To be envious/hateful towards another, to wish evil/failure for another etc, all these are demoniac thoughts. They do not have anything divine to offer us but hamper our progress on our path of pure love. Please be mindful of not harboring such thoughts even towards people who you consider evil or towards someone who you think is unworthy of respect. Our tricky mind has from time immemorial played tricks to take us away from our goal but now that we are aware of the colossal damage caused by the mind, resolve to yourself not to give into its ways! Replace every negative thought as it occurs with positive counter – thought, even for people who you consider abominable for every soul is inherently good. Do this exercise religiously for EVERY negative thought, relentlessly, every day and one day you will realize that you no longer harbor any negative thoughts but are filled with positive thoughts for people. Thus, seeds of deep love and compassion for every living being fructifies within you as you get connected to the divine realm.

3. Ulterior motives: We have ulterior motives because we sense some kind of profit or adulation/recognition from the act/situation. However, when we perform action laden with ulterior motives, we cease to be genuine caring persons and we fail to attract pure love which is our ultimate goal of life. The best antidote is to practice speaking the truth in every circumstance i,e speak out loud our hidden agendas, even if they may at first sound selfish or you could also confess about your ulterior motive. The only stumbling block we might sense in purifying our motivations is fear of exposing ourselves. But please remember, this is just a mental concoction; our original nature is that we are eternal, full of knowledge and full of bliss. So, forge ahead and break the habit fearlessly and truth will be on your side! Radhanath Swami reiterates that as we progress on the path of pure love, we are supposed to be developing deeper, pure intentions and that means we are devoid of any ulterior motives.

4. Domineering spirit: Most of us fall trap to being control freaks, whether we acknowledge it or not, whether we are aware of it or not! We want to control others, control the situation and control everything that concerns our life. At the deepest level, we do this out of our misplaced propensity to enjoy material nature but the fact is that we are not the controllers and therefore we are frustrated! At a different level, we might want to be in control of situations in our life just to counteract our fears (mostly irrational). However, whatever be the reason, trying to be controller definitely counters our progress. The moment we realize this, we can let go and channelize our energies in developing self-control. Letting go is easier said than done but when we do this as an act of surrender in pursuit of supreme love, it purifies us of our contaminations and then we reflect the eternal nature of the soul.

When you learn to control your mind and your senses, then your mind and senses become peaceful. And in this peaceful state, the true love of the soul can manifest.- Radhanath Swami

– Mrs. Preethi Dhiman

…Read Articles in preethi’s Blog

Categories
Blog Relationships

Gratitude

Gratitude

Gratitude - Radhanath SwamiAttitude of Gratitude: No.1 success factor in a marriage

Gratitude is to seek beyond the immediate circumstances that come upon us, and to actually seek the essence of that situation- Radhanath Swami

Gratitude, is a quality of the heart. Radhanath Swami says, “If we want true progress, we must develop this quality, especially in a husband-wife relationship, for it is one of the most important success factors in a marriage.” Without gratitude, even in the most favorable situation in our marriage, we cannot really progress. When we are ungrateful, even if we have the best companion, we start to complain and blame the other. Without gratitude, you cannot satisfy the heart. Because whatever you get, you feel you deserve better and you want something more. To seek the essence is real wisdom, and the essence of every situation is that we can feel and find a beautiful opportunity to grow—if we are grateful.

The universal principle of all spiritual paths and a very basic principle that Sri Bhagavad Gita teaches us is that we should be grateful for whatever God gives us. Radhanath Swami teaches us how to learn to feel grateful. He says when good things come our way, we should think,”I don’t deserve this, but I am so grateful.” Any little bit of kindness that a person shows us, we should be grateful. Any blessing we receive we should be grateful. And when difficulties, pain, or failures cross our paths, we must learn to be grateful for those as well. For we could learn and we could grow through that invaluable experience. Otherwise, we miss a precious chance. By learning to be grateful, we learn to come closer to our spouse and understand them better. Eventually, with a grateful heart, one can even come closer to God Himself. Thus, by nurturing the quality of Gratitude, we improve the qualities of our own lives & it enables us to overcome the obstacles that keep us from our progress.

– Mrs. Preethi Dhiman

…Read Articles in preethi’s Blog

Categories
Blog Relationships

Everything I do, I do it for You

Everything I do, I do it for You

Everything I do, I do it for YouWe have the tendency to unconsciously overestimate our contributions relative to that of others. It is called “unconscious over claiming.” For example, in one study, when students in a work group each estimated their contribution to the team, the total was 139 percent.

Likewise, in a relationship, if you ask the husband, he will tell you that he is working like a donkey to keep the house together and to provide for his family and that he is doing more than his fair share. If you ask the wife, she will tell you that she is cooking three times a day, taking care of the kids, doing the domestic chores apart from her official work and that she is doing more than normal for her family. Undoubtedly, both of them are putting in their efforts. Are they feeling appreciated enough for their efforts or do they feel overburdened by it? That is the question. Secondly, do they feel their partner is sharing their responsibility equally? If they do feel appreciated & their respective roles enjoyable, it is the ideal situation. However, most couples over time start feeling lack of appreciation and their roles burdensome and might even blame their partners for not sharing their ‘burden.’

Most of the burden that the couples feel is on a mental plane because physically our bodies can take a lot more work load if on the mental level we are not already feeling saturated. Most of the saturation comes from lack of appreciation. When there is no appreciation of each other’s contribution, we feel, ‘mentally overburdened.’ A husband who doesn’t feel appreciated for his contributions will start spending more time outside of home either at work or at a place where he feels appreciated, will slowly wean from his duties on the home front, adding to the ‘mental burden’ of his wife. A wife who feels unappreciated, withdraws or shows her anger all the time, adding to the complexity of the situation and to the ‘mental burden’ of her husband. If the situation persists longer with no effort to rectify it or non-communication, then it either perpetuates into ‘blame games,’ or fights or if the mode of reaction of either of the partner is passive anger, then silence just keeps widening the distance between them.

Breaking this vicious cycle means keeping our egoistic agendas aside and truly helping the other person by understanding and appreciating his or her contributions to the family. It means good amount of mental preparation and making a fresh commitment towards the family.

Sometimes it becomes easy to notice all that our spouse doesn’t do. So, if you struggle with a critical spirit toward your spouse, you must also deal in rooting out your negative quality of criticism. Criticism tears down a marriage, while appreciation builds up a relationship. When we appreciate each other, the other person not only feels good about himself/herself but also feels understood and motivated to do more.

So, if you are caught in this habit of not appreciating your spouse for all the hardwork he/ she puts in to keep the family going together, I suggest that you pick up a pen and paper right now and make a list of things that he/she does everyday that you appreciate but have hardly communicated to the other. Whatever you observe, make sure that you sincerely applaud the action. Sincerity will cause your appreciation to touch the heart and soul of your loved one. Then, link the action to a quality of character. This takes more skill. Some

excellent qualities to consider connecting to actions are:

• Caring
• Compassion
• Confidence
• Cooperation
• Courage
• Creativity
• Enthusiasm
• Flexibility
• Helpfulness
• Honesty
• Patience
• Responsibility
• Thoughtfulness
When you use qualities like these in an acknowledgement, it spreads light into the recipient’s heart, encourages them to be aware of and keep practicing the quality, and creates a positive bond of appreciation or love between you. An example is:

“I appreciate how thoughtful you are in our relationship. Making sure we have breakfast every morning, packing my lunch, and getting back early from office to ensure that the kids do their homework and preparing dinner for the family so as to make our lives together smoother and easier.”

How can I appreciate my spouse? I seem to have long forgotten that art! I feel too embarrassed/ reluctant to start doing something new! Everything seems to be going fine, why bother doing something new? If these are your thoughts, remember: your spouse is ‘the’ most important person in your life and he/she is god’s gift to you so that you have a companion for life and with his/her help you can perfect your life! Probably ‘this’ is your only chance to show how much you appreciate him/her in your life! So, waste no time!

If only we can just appreciate what we have been given, God will reveal Himself to us – Radhanath Swami

– Dr. Sandhya Subramanian

…Read Articles in Sandhya’s Blog

Categories
Blog Relationships

Great Expectations!

Great Expectations!

Great Expectations!Marriage is a hotbed for hidden, unrealistic expectations. Most men and women have deep-seated ideas about how the other should behave in a picture-perfect marriage. Often these expectations are not fully conscious, nor are they completely acknowledged and communicated between spouses. When one spouse begins violating the expectations of the other, however, an all too familiar negative spiral of disappointment, retaliation, and resentment can ensue.

If we’re completely honest, we all came into our marriages with unrealistic expectations, which eventually took us by surprise. Even though this can be both disappointing and frustrating, we don’t have to continually live that way. We can bring out our deep-seated expectations and communicate it to our partners by doing a simple exercise on clarifying mutual expectation.

Exercise: Clarifying Mutual Expectations*

On a sheet of paper make 4 quadrants and write one of these points in each quadrant.

a. I promise to fulfill your following expectations-100%.

(what I think is the other person’s expectation of me)

b. I will try to fulfill your following expectations, but will not be able to promise.

(what i think is the other person’s expectation that I might not be able to fulfill, but will try)

c. In our relationship, I want these promises from you.

(my need & expectations of the other person that I want him/her to fulfill for sure)

d. In our relationship, I expect my following expectations to be fulfilled by you.

(my need and expectations of the other person that may be difficult for the other person to fulfill,
but I want him/her to know and to try to fulfill)

Take about 20 minutes to think and pen down what you value the most to be followed in your marriage, in each of the quadrants. After both of you have completed, exchange the sheets or compare the sheets to find out the other person’s expectations and commitments while you communicate your own commitment and expectations.

You will benefit most when you have the intention of understanding the other person’s expectations and fulfilling it to give happiness to the other person rather than waiting on the other person to fulfill his/her expectation. When all is said and done.

However, you know what–we are likely to be unhappy even when our expectations ARE met! Let me explain. We are most grateful for the good things that come our way that we did not expect to happen. For instance, if you expect your partner to help you with the housework, you will be disappointed, mad, sad, or angry when your partner does not help you with the housework, but you won’t necessarily be grateful when your partner does help with the housework. Depending on your history together, you may be

• Pleased – “I’m glad we’re doing this together.”
• Surprised – “I can’t believe you actually mopped the floor!”
• Justified – “I do my share and you need to do your share.”
• Vindicated – “It’s about time you started pulling your weight!”

Unhappiness is trading what we want MOST for what we want NOW. We want whatever makes us uncomfortable – our anxieties, our insecurities, our challenges – we want that discomfort to go away RIGHT NOW. But deep down, what we want most is to be – more loving, more forgiving, more compassionate, and more grateful. Understand this carefully as this is our secret need and what we generally do is to expect people around us to create space for us to exhibit them and when we do not find opportunities to be more loving, more forgiving, more compassionate or more grateful,

When you are dead tired at the end of the day, and you walk in to find your partner cleaning the kitchen, or putting the kids to bed when you expected her to be home late – that’s when you feel truly grateful – because you were not expecting the help! When we
are truly grateful for something, we cannot help but feel happiness. This is the recipe to a happy married life!

Dennis Prager says it best:
Gratitude is the key to happiness and anything that undermines gratitude must undermine happiness. And nothing undermines gratitude as much as expectations. The more expectations you have, the less gratitude you will have. Expectations and gratitude are opposite sides of the same coin.

Here is another secret–Whatever you focus on, grows. Grow your happiness by lowering your expectations and growing your gratefulness.

The highest secret mantra is revealed by Radhanath Swami. He says that we can lower our expectation by cultivating humility. If we are proud, we feel that we deserve so many good things from others. If we are actually humble, we are grateful for whatever happens and for whatever that comes. He reiterates that when we expect something, then even if we get it, we are not really happy; at the most we experience some flickering pleasure in our mind and senses. But if we feel that we don’t deserve it, and then when we get it, we are grateful and gratitude is real happiness; gratitude is the happiness of the heart.

*Source: Oasis Self-Leadership Education for Community Development

– Mrs. Preethi Dhiman

…Read Articles in preethi’s Blog

Categories
Blog Relationships

Believe in Yourself – No matter what He says!

Believe in Yourself- No matter what He says!

Believe in Yourself- No matter what He says!Most women face this day-in and day-out in their roles as house wives, mothers and daughter- in- laws: being placed under a microscope 24/7; observed, corrected, judged, and sometimes ridiculed. It is too much for one person to take. But somehow it becomes a part of your job as a wife, mother and daughter-in-law all rolled into one. And the people whom we are trained to please from our very childhood are our dear husbands, our in-laws (more difficult than qualifying for Guinness Records) and sometimes even our kids.

Somewhere along the way, catering to everyone’s needs, wants and desires, your own needs and desires take a back seat. Along with all that we are tagged with labels such as “ she is no good”, “ she is too slow in her work”, “ her cooking is not up to the mark”, or simply “ why can’t she be on time”! Especially “HE” is someone who is the hardest to please. However much you bend backwards to serve him, he finds newer and newer disqualifications. So much so that after some time we start thinking maybe he is right….. “ there is nothing Great about me. Basically, I am a no-good wife, mother and daughter in law.” But No! That’s where we go wrong. We believe others more than we believe in ourselves.

As a woman you have to live up to and cater to the expectations of so many people in your life and that can get too much to take sometimes. And you cannot please everyone. By now you must have realized this plain and simple fact. It all boils down to attitude. Successful housewives are those who have a completely chilled out attitude towards life, where they don’t let anything bog them down. A woman with an attitude will never let the bickering from her husband get to her. I know of one such person, my friend’s mother. I would visit her regularly and one common feature I would see was her husband go on and on about how inefficient she was. He would find faults with her from the moment she woke up in the morning. “Tea has so less sugar”, “where my breakfast ”,“ why is the shirt not ironed” and “you always make me late to work” etc. For me, if someone went on and on like that it would get to my nerves in a jiffy and produce a really unpleasant reaction. But I would see this woman, how patiently she would smile and say “Oh how foolish of me, I will just make it right” and she would actually smile through the whole thing. What an amazing level of tolerance. Anyone would think, “She is so backward. She cannot even stand for herself.” But over the years I have seen how her attitude of always seeing the good and not getting bogged down by all the criticism aimed at her has always kept her in good spirits. More than that, she gradually earned the respect of her husband, who stopped criticizing her in due course of time. And today he does not take one decision without first consulting her and has so much regard for her.

If we analyze the whole thing, we realize that she was not affected by all the criticism as she believed in her capabilities and did not let HIS words affect her self esteem. She had enough self respect to never react or get angry with her husband. And eventually she got him to behave himself! Now that’s what I call a Lady who believes in herself!

– Dr. Sandhya Subramanian

…Read Articles in Sandhya’s Blog

Categories
Blog Relationships

With great power comes great responsibility!

With great power comes great responsibility!

Great-Power-and-great-ResponsibilityThe Vedic Scriptures declare that a woman must be under the shelter of her father before marriage and her husband after marriage. A woman can vouch for it more than anybody else. Because, she needs to feel secure, she needs to feel cared! What does it translate to for the husband?

If you are like the boss who expects his employee to perform exceeding his expectation but tries to keep his employee’s demands at bay; i.e., if you are unconsciously preoccupied trying to keep your wife’s demands at bay rather than being totally committed to meeting her needs, regardless of the cost, you will only end up with a frustrated wife.

Rather, if you were like a sensitive, caring employer and you walked up to your employee and said, “You know, I’ve really been thinking about you lately. I wonder if there is anything I can provide for you to make your job more enjoyable. Also, am I paying you enough?” That would be any employee’s dream. Well, every woman’s dream is to have a husband who will manifest the same attitude.

‘Love’ and ‘care’ are action oriented verbs. So, you need to make deposits in that love bank to withdraw ‘love’ and ‘care’ from it. But are you one of those husbands who even today are in the dark as to what it takes to care for your wife in the right way? Don’t worry, your worries are no more!

Well, the secret is in satisfying her emotional need! When the emotional need of the woman is met, she feels loved and cared for in a relationship and is the happiest person around, but when it is not met, to put it mildly, she is a fireball! But what really is this emotional need of a woman? Emotional needs are different for different people. For one, it could be the daily 15 minute help in the kitchen during the rush hour, for another it could be help in maintaining a ‘tidy’ house, fulfilling a family commitment for another, admiration or affection for some, doing something together (domestic or recreational) for another. It could be one or more of these.

However, every woman I know of wants an intimate space from her husband for a heart-to-heart talk at the end of the day. A woman has the basic need to express her feelings and emotions (sometimes pent up!) and she has the need to talk about it to someone who can listen with an open mind, without trying to offer solutions. A woman experiences fulfillment through sharing and relating. A husband who realizes this fact can make room in his life to allow his wife to be expressive while he can be a good ‘listener.’ Do you know that the most common complaint of women world-over is that their husbands don’t listen? You can also develop a deeper bond with your wife if you open up to her with your own emotions and feelings. Many men have a hard time ‘opening up’ to women but note that this is an important part of a woman’s need, i.e., to feel that the two of you have a deep emotional connection.

When this emotional connection is established, you see magic happen! Your wife will feel secure and deeply satisfied in your marriage and what’s more you will have your wife always on your side, eager to serve you and care for you! You will be pleasantly surprised by how well your wife responds to her new atmosphere of security.

But a man often fears what his wife will do when he makes himself totally available to meet her needs. Let me tell you—that is the last thing to fear. You simply cannot imagine what a woman will do for her man if he will envelope her in an atmosphere of total security by laying down his selfish ways to meet her needs. Simply because you have become humble and have committed yourself to meeting your wife’s needs doesn’t mean you lose your authority or manhood. True and lasting authority is built, not broken, upon the foundation of sacrificial servanthood. It is true leadership by example.

Now, did I now give you the hard task of identifying your wife’s unique emotional need? Hmm, its pretty simple to find out. Just ask her with a genuine concern and she will detail it out for you but once you have made a commitment to her, stand by it! A woman can discern instinctively if her husband truly is caring for her.

Whenever Radhanath Swami solemnizes marriage, he always maintains that the primary duty of the husband is to protect his wife throughout her life, to protect her physically by providing the comforts and needs and to protect her emotionally by giving her appreciation and showing his genuine concern for her welfare in all aspects of her life and to spiritually protect her by giving all facilities to her for her own spiritual progress & being a good example himself.

I hope that you are able to find some cues herein on your journey of togetherness and that the journey becomes sweeter. In case you want me to elaborate on anything specific, please feel free to leave a note in reply. Take care!

– Mrs. Preethi Dhiman

…Read Articles in preethi’s Blog