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Love in marriage?

 loving-marriage

Scene 1: (morning)

Wife to husband: I am going to throw the garbage… why are you still reading the newspaper? Arent you getting late for office? [I asked him to throw the rubbish, he simply doesnt care to help me!]

Husband: Is the breakfast ready? [Everyday I have to remind her that I have to leave office by 8.00am. I’m always reaching office late!]

Wife: Breakfast is there on the table. Please help yourself as I have to throw the garbage now. [when I ask him to do some work, he immediately picks a reason to bash me up]

Husband: Cant you do that later and serve me breakfast instead? What is this, Upma again? [Aman always tells how nicely his wife serves him everyday]

Wife: Do you have anything else except complaints for me? [I am fed up. What happened to all the love he was proclaiming he had for me after our marriage?]

Husband: Look, don’t start off another duel of words early in the morning. My whole day gets spoilt. Its an important day for me at work. [I better leave now, before another war of words starts. I have to call Raman and ask him to check on the meeting preparations].

Wife: If work is the most important thing for you in your life, why did you marry me? [feels hurt & breaks down]

Husband: I dont have time for this now, I’m leaving! [angrily slams the door as he’s leaving]

 

 

Scene 2: (morning)

Wife to husband: Oh dear, will you please throw the rubbish. If I dont start making the dosas now, you’ll get late.

Husband: Sure dear..anything for you and your simply wonderful dosas!

Wife: [Smiles] Stop flattering me! oh! I forgot completely that its an important day for you at work today. You get ready dear and I will throw the rubbish later.

Husband: Thanks Uma. You are so understanding, it takes the pressure off me! I’ll come early this evening and let’s go for our long forgotten walk in the park, what say?

Wife: [All happy] Okey-dokey! Breakfast is ready!

Husband: I’m more ready!
[both share a good laugh]

The secret to happiness and love in marriage, Radhanath Swami says is when there is culture of service and appreciation. Srimad Bhagavatam identifies the major enemies that attack us from within and pit us against one another as lust, pride, envy, greed, sinful activities and vanity. By learning to subdue these enemies within ourselves, we become happy and peaceful in our marriage relationships, and indeed in all of our relationships. These enemies can gradually be subdued by spiritual practices, such as chanting the holy names of the Lord.

“In everyday life, our relationships with one another are practice for the divine relationships we will eventually experience. The quality of our interactions indicates how well we are preparing ourselves for association with the Supreme Lord.”(HH Bhaktitirtha Swami)

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Love

Paid in Full

Paid in FullAfter 21 years of marriage, my wife wanted me to take another woman out to dinner and a movie. She said, “I love you, but I know this other woman loves you and would love to spend some time with you.”

The other woman that my wife wanted me to visit was my MOTHER, who has been a widow for 19 years, but the demands of my work and my three children had made it possible to visit her only occasionally. That night I called to invite her to go out for dinner and a movie. “What’s wrong, are you well?” she asked. “I thought that it would be pleasant to spend some time with you,” I responded. “Just the two of us.” She thought about it for a moment, and then said, “I would like that very much.”

That Friday after work, as I drove over to pick her up I was a bit nervous. She waited in the door with her coat on. She had curled her hair and was wearing the dress that she had worn to celebrate her last wedding anniversary. She smiled from a face that was as radiant as an angel’s. “I told my friends that I was going to go out with my son, and they were impressed, “she said, as she got into the car. “They can’t wait to hear about our meeting.”

We went to a restaurant that, although not elegant, was very nice and cozy. My mother took my arm as if she were the First Lady. After we sat down, I had to read the menu. Her eyes could only read large print. Half way through the entries, I lifted my eyes and saw Mom sitting there staring at me. A nostalgic smile was on her lips. “It was I who used to have to read the menu when you were small,” she said. “Then it’s time that you relax and let me return the favor,” I responded. During the dinner, we had an agreeable conversation – nothing extraordinary but catching up on recent events of each other’s life. We talked so much that we missed the movie. As we arrived at her house later, she said, “I’ll go out with you again, but only if you let me invite you.” I agreed.

“How was your dinner date?” asked my wife when I got home. “Very nice. Much more so than I could have imagined,” I answered.

A few days later, my mother died of a massive heart attack. It happened so suddenly that I didn’t have a chance to do anything for her. Some time later, I received an envelope with a copy of a restaurant receipt from the same place mother and I had dined. An attached note said: “I paid this bill in advance. I wasn’t sure that I could be there; but nevertheless, I paid for two – one for you and the other for your wife. You will never know what that night meant for me. I love you, son.”

At that moment, I understood the importance of saying in time: “I LOVE YOU” and to give our loved ones the time that they deserve. Nothing in life is more important than your family. Give them the time they deserve, because these things cannot be put off till “some other time.”

Radhanath Swami concludes that, “Things can give pleasure to the mind and senses, but only love can give pleasure to the heart. And ultimately, that is what we are looking for.” Make room to express your love to your family, friends and people around you when they are around!

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Blog Relationships

Mid-marriage crisis!

Mid-marriage crisis!Oflate, I’m witnessing many unhealthy trends in marriage. While some are trying to live in uncomfortable zones in a marriage, i,e brushing the issues under the carpet, many others are calling it quits! Three of my close family friends’ marriage is on the rocks. One couple is living separately from the past two years and is contemplating divorce and the other two have fresh scars of separation.

But what troubles me most is when two adults come together and take the sacred vow of marriage and commitment to each other, they somehow miss to carry with them the essential ingredients that will enable them to keep those vows in the long run and soon their relationship becomes one transaction after another with no real depth to it. Many of us get so caught up in pleasing the many
people in our lives that the one person that matters the most in our lives takes the brunt of it all in form of your neglect!

You might be operating under the aura of ‘well, all that I’m doing is for him/her!’…but my friend, is it understood and appreciated in the same manner by him/her? There are many tell-tale signs of trouble brewing in your marriage, one of which is when both of you are running different schedules (packed & hectic too) & there is not much overlap time. I see many couples, young and old
grappling with this issue–they have too many things on their plates, more than they can chew comfortably.

It is well known that the path to a relationship breakdown is littered with small choices that lead relentlessly away from commitment and partnership towards a different priority or interest. It is the accumulation of these seemingly insignificant choices that draw a person way off course until they suddenly wake up to what is going on, and wonder how they got to where they now find themselves. So, take heed when things are still under control.

It becomes primary that the husband and wife maintain a healthy channel of communication between them. Thumb rule that a good communication system exists between the husband and the wife is when the husband feels he is rightly understood by the wife and the wife feels she is rightly understood and cared for by the husband. But, as time passes and as life gets busier loaded with increased responsibilities for both husband and the wife, the channel of communication becomes weaker and weaker, because of which there might creep in a certain level of dissatisfaction in either or both the parties. When this development is not arrested by taking time to hear each other out, the dissatisfaction keeps piling up, which keeps eroding all previous good credits & when the balance goes negative, such piled up dissatisfaction erupts in the mode of bitter fights whenever one is confronted with a difference of opinion.

Off course, when two people come together, there is bound to be difference of opinion. That is not the problem, but how you deal with the differences is all about a healthy or an unhealthy relationship. When differences lead one to bitter fights and hurts are kept locked inside the heart, that is when a relationship can be termed as unhealthy.

If you are reading this, please examine your own life pattern. Is your spouse happy with the quality of time you spend with him/her? Have you established a healthy channel of communication with him/her? Do either of you feel unloved or uncared for by your spouse? Is there any kind of bitterness expressed by your spouse towards you or by you towards your spouse? Are there accumulated hurts & resentments locked up within you?

If the answer to any of the above question is yes, then you have eroded lines of communication between the two of you and the onus is on you to rectify it by re-establishing the cords of healthy communication between you.

The primary duty of the householder in Grihasta Ashram is to fulfill all the needs of his wife and children. Similarly, the primary duty of a wife is to serve her husband and follow in his footsteps & bring up children in a loving atmosphere. It is said that in such a grihasta’s house, Goddess of Fortune, Laxmi, herself resides and the house becomes vaikuntha or abode of Lord Vishnu.
Please note carefully that we cannot aspire for Higher Worlds or make spiritual progress if we are achievers outside but are failing in our primary duty in the Grihasta Ashram. How seriously then must we take up the matters of rectifying the mistakes in our household life!

It is a challenging task to build right channels of communication when you are carrying bitter hurts & deep scars from the relationship because your deep need to be understood rightly has not been fulfilled. But there is hope, there is hope if you are willing to give up your ‘victim’ stance and allow healing measures to be brought into the relationship. Healing happens automatically when good communication is reestablished.

The most important thing you have to do if you feel you are the ‘victim’ in your relationship is to release those emotions that you’ve bottled up and start expressing what is in your mind!

It could be that you do not get sufficient opportunity in your relationship to express yourself? Many a times we mistake “tolerance” for “agreeing to everything” that the other person says & thereby refrain from expressing our minds to our spouse or may be it is a trait you borrowed from your childhood wherein you had a mother or a father who did not have the opportunity to
express himself or herself much to his/her spouse. Whatever the reason is, if you are not able to express yourself or state clearly what is in your mind & keep it concealed from your spouse, two things happen–one is frustration sets in you. The more you ‘do not express,’ the more ‘hurt’ you accumulate, to the point that you finally have to explode one day & you begin to express yourself in a heavily negative manner i,e in an accusatory/blaming manner. The other is that your spouse remains clueless about what is going on in your mind & does not know how to react to your bitterness and at best, harsh words are exchanged leaving you more ‘hurt’ and more ‘dissatisfied’ in the relationship.

Therefore, for a healthy relationship, it is of utmost importance that both the parties must learn to express their mind & heart and in doing so must clarify their individual ‘needs’ to each other, in the right (positive) manner so that the other person is able to understand you and do the needful & that you start feeling fulfilled in your relationship. Remember, in a marriage, both have equal right to say, ‘I dont agree’ and save long term consequence of bottled up frustrations, but it must be said in a manner that does not hurt the other person.

If you think you cannot express your mind to your spouse without being sharp, critical or angry i,e without a negative undertone, then it is best to begin by writing down your thoughts and feelings. Writing down your thoughts will give you enough time to modulate your emotions i,e edit what is negative & put forth your point in a more positive tone so that your spouse is able to understand, appreciate & take further steps to rectify the situation. You can also ensure that your point is heard completely by your spouse.

HINT: Learn to express your emotions without blaming the other person. For eg: Instead of saying, “You always hurt me by not listening to me.” you can say, “I feel hurt when someone does not listen to me. I request you to listen to me when I have something to say.”

Listening to your spouse is an art that many of us fail at. By listening carefully & without any biases to your spouse’s point of view or to his/her feelings/ramblings of the day, you show that you care & your spouse feels understood by you. Listening is an art because when you listen you have to be non-judgmental! Believe me, its a challenge to not throw in our opinion or solution when another person is speaking…try it! However, listening to your spouse is the only way to let him/her know that you understand! So, imagine the damage you are causing to the relationship every time you are preoccupied with some other thought/task when your spouse is speaking or have a bored/tired expression or dismiss what he/she has to say without giving it much thought!

While we are learning to express ourselves more positively, it is also equally important to be repentant for all the negativity that was caused by you, harsh words that you have hurled at him/her or for your careless attitude. This step goes ahead of all the other steps as nothing disarms the other & opens him/her to you than a well timed genuine apology.

It is also important to acknowledge the good things in your marriage, especially showing gratitude to your spouse. It positively reinforces loving feelings between the couple and sets a chain of positive feelings rolling. You have to do it sincerely and not just for the sake of it. You can also write a thank you note or use sms, to thank your spouse for the little ordinary things that he/she
does everyday for you.

Reestablishing a loving relationship with your spouse must be your top most priority. Nobody else will do it for you and it won’t be easy at all. But if you stay determined & give your sincere best, the Lord who is in the heart of everyone will enable it. Remember to always keep the communication lines open between the two of you and resolve your past hurts in good times by forgiving small & big hurts and taking stock of your own feelings every now and then.

However, if you or your spouse are unable to resolve your differences on your own, seek help from a neutral person who is an expert at solving relationship problems. Eg: a marriage counsellor. The counsellor will help you air out your grievances in a healthy manner, help re-build the cords of communication & both of you will discover a new meaningful life of togetherness!

In this context, Radhanath Swami has beautifully summarized in one of his lectures that the focus, the centre of your relationship should be to create a favorable environment to lead spiritual lives. In order to do so, there has to be a spirit of service between the two of you. That service should be offered with affection and care. And especially with tolerance. In this age, tolerance is most required, because by the nature of this age when two egos come together, there is bound to be conflict. There will be disagreements and misunderstandings, and as time goes on, certain things about each other will become disgusting and there will be great disagreements. It is inevitable. The sanctity of your marriage will be based on how you don’t take these differences very seriously.

– Mrs. Preethi Dhiman

…Read Articles in preethi’s Blog

 

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Love

Mango Loving Husband

Mango Loving HusbandOnce there was a man who liked to eat mangoes. One day he decided to get the sweetest mango available, from the very top of the tree. Mangoes which are most exposed to the sun are the sweetest. So he climbed up to the top, where the branches were thin. He managed to pick up a few sweet reddish fruits, but in attempting to go back down, he slipped and started falling towards the ground.

Fortunately, he caught a branch as he was falling and remained helplessly hanging on the tree. Then he started to call nearby villagers for help. They immediately came with a ladder and sticks, but could do little to help him.

Then after some time his wife arrived. People were very curious as to what she would do. The wife was silent for a minute and then picked up a stone, and threw it, hitting the hanging husband.

Everybody was surprised. Hanging mango lover started to shout, “What are you doing?! Are you crazy? Do you want me to break my neck?”

His wife was silent. Then again, she took a stone and threw it so that it hit her husband in the tree. The man (the husband) was furious, “If I could just come down, I would show you…!” That’s what everybody wanted, that he comes down, but how?

Now everybody was tense, what would happen next! Some wanted to chastise the wife, but they didn’t. The wife picked up another stone and threw it again at the man, even more forcefully. Now the man in the tree completely flipped out and developed a great determination to come down and get revenge. He then used all of his skill and strength and somehow managed to reach the branches which were safe enough for him to climb down, and he made it!
Everybody was amazed.

“Where is my wife?” – exclaimed the rescued man.
“Oh, she is wise, so she didn’t wait for you to beat him,” said the villagers.”I will really smash her completely when I get hold of her,” said the man.
“Hey, wait a minute, she is the only one who helped you, she is the one who provoked you, who induced you to help yourself,” said one of the villagers.

Mango freak stopped for a second, thought a little and admitted, “Yes, all your good intentions and compassion didn’t help me, but my beloved wife expertly induced me to do my best and save myself, I should be thankful rather than angry.”

So this is an instructive story. A real spouse helps you, sometimes in strange ways, to take initiatives in your life.

 

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Blog Relationships

Bond that acts as a glue

Bond that acts as a glue“We, as parents, must understand the serious responsibility that we have in inculcating love for God in the hearts of children. If our children do not feel love they will not understand God’s love because the love of the parent is translated to the children as the love of God. When they feel their parents’ love, they can actually begin to understand God’s love.” – Radhanath Swami

I was recently attending a workshop on ‘happiness in marriage’ and the trainer asked the gathered members (about 100) how many of us had a happy childhood. Much to my shock, only 3 hands went up and everybody else thought they had a rather unhappy childhood. What do you think? Did you have a happy or an unhappy childhood? The trainer said that in his various training programs across the globe, this has been a common factor–most of us were victims of bad parenting and bad schooling!
Children are an integral part of our married life. We expect that our child will bring good fortune and happiness to us but do we try to give it a loving and nurturing environment for it to grow & blossom happily?

With the start of the school season, I hear familiar morning routine sound coming out of homes with young ones, ‘Get up or you’ll get late for school,’ ‘brush your teeth fast,’ ‘haven’t you finished taking your bath yet?’ ‘hurry up or you’ll miss your school bus!’
Sounds an all too familiar routine? Today, as parents and as responsible creators of a bright future, we seem to be bringing up the next generation in a constant mode of threat and hurry thereby unwittingly pushing the child into a childhood he hardly deserves, a childhood which he would as a grown up man wants to forget fast (just like many of us!)! Place yourself into the shoes of your child just for a day and you will know how difficult it is even for a fully grown up adult to bear & fulfill the constant demands placed on you. We seem to have placed great expectations on the tender child who is yet to learn to fully express himself, who is yet fully blossom into an independent thinker and decision maker.

A.C. Bhaktivedanta Swami Prabhupada, the founder acharya of the International Society for Krishna Consciousness rightly called ‘modern education institutions’ as killer of the soul. In the name of disciplining the child, the free child is forced to sit in rows in a classroom, without fidgeting, without talking and is expected to behave unlike a child and in the name of educating the child, he is overburdened with reading and writing & bombarded with a lot of information, more than his little brain is able to process and his memory is overloaded with age inappropriate study material! Catch them young has made more harm than good. If we teach the child to write, read and spell in preschool, they will not become better writers, readers and spellers by the time they reach 1st grade. According to the physiological developmental of a child, his neurological pathways for writing, reading and spelling haven’t fully formed. The result is greater number of children, particularly boys, diagnosed with learning disabilities such as dyslexia and attention deficiency problems. Research shows strong linkages between learning disabilities and starting schooling way too early. Furthermore, children will develop hatred for reading and writing and will not want to go to school. Reading & writing should be taught in school only after children have developed both their right and left reading centers in the brain (ie by the age of 6+) and have developed the “bridge” pathway that connects the two reading centers (bilateral integration).

The deeper issue is when parents, in their own day today busyness don’t have time for the child! Parents who are themselves ill-equipped to reason out their child’s behavior or invest time and effort in deeply understanding and catering to their child’s needs are looking for quick solutions & sending them to kindergarten or to school at the earliest possible as it seems to be the most feasible option that they have on hand today. Parents’ own rat races, work and social pressures make them anxious about their
kids’ behavior and performance. They are often preoccupied in seeing their child succeed and are intolerant of anything other than excellence, causing far too many expectations on the young child and stretching his natural limits. Mistakes & experimenting seem unpardonable. But, wait a minute….why are we forgetting that our child is just a child who wants his time and space to discover himself! He will, sooner or later, respond to inspiration and perform and give you happiness and joy. Remember, our forceful actions and unrealistic demands on them will only produce contrary results! If you were able to observe this same child at the age of fifty, you should probably find him suffering from terrible sclerosis or arterial hardening, the cause of which will be unknown at that point in time but it was actually planted in him when he was a child of five due to the constant pressures and burdens which robbed away his childhood and brought adulthood and old age early on! We must therefore know how it all adds up forty or fifty years later, of our management of the child.

We are quick to brand a child as ‘attention deficient’ or ‘hyperactive’ or ‘unmanageable’ but have we taken a closer look at our contribution to this as well? Do we know how our fast-paced lifestyle, media heavy culture and fast food culture is affecting
the child’s physiology and psychology? Do we want to know how our children are victims, for want of meaningful learning environment, of the detours erected in our culture, schools and homes? Step into the child’s shoes to really understand what it is looking for? His deepest need is your love, your time and your attention, dear parents and nothing else! Let’s look at how we can create a difference in the life of our child in three different dimensions that affect his/her happiness- a. taking the right decision of his/her schooling b. creating the right atmosphere for his/her natural growth in a stress free atmosphere c. how to be loving authorities as against strict disciplinarians.

Play in the formative years is an essential seed which bears fruit for the whole lifetime. Play dominates the lives of young children. A healthy child wants to play from morning to night. His play bubbles up from deep within and helps keep the life forces, so necessary for his growth. If a child loses interest in play, it is usually a sign of illness. Children who play significantly during early childhood have an advantage in physical development, socio-emotional development and in cognitive development including areas of language, intelligence, curiosity, innovation and imagination.

Children should be taught in a noncompetitive environment to fully blossom their innate talents. They need a regular day today rhythm to develop a sense of security. Therefore, they need to eat, play & sleep at proper times & not according to our convenience. Family time must be introduced wherein the family gets healthy time in the evening to play together at a park or in the playground with the kids and the whole family gets time to eat their dinner together at the table speaking to each other and quietly settling into the night. Such regular and natural rhythms and routines in eating and sleeping as well as daily activities will promote a more relaxed atmosphere and a stress free environment for the natural growth of a child.

In the rigmarole of life, unconsciously and unwittingly, we become bad parents whereas when our precious little one is born, we dream of being his best parents. We can still do it because a child is so loving and forgiving that it takes him hardly anytime to start reciprocating to your new loving ways. Believe me, try it! When the child sees us as loving authorities and not as someone that he is forced to comply to, we will automatically get the result we want i,e the child starts listening to the parent. Its almost like magic. But it will not come easy. You have to invest time and be an integral part of his childhood. It means when the child wants you to listen to him, you have to listen to him! It may be one thousand times a day. This is the single most important investment you will do to secure your child’s future. You will be amazed at how it works. A child learns by imitating and it looks out for adult role models to imitate. Without adult models, children cannot shape their own brains. If you are inattentive when the child wants attention, the child learns to be inattentive and is uninterested in what you have to say to him! When you listen to your child with full attention, the child learns to be attentive.

The child is usually not looking for solutions from adults but is looking for some empathy. So, instead of correcting the behavior of the child every-time the child brings a complaint or shares some unpleasant incident with you, just give him a patient hearing. When you are empathetic to the child and listen to the child, you are laying foundation to establish vital lines of communication between you and your child and slowly the child begins to trust you and will soon start looking upto you to solve his life problems. Secondly, you have to be a part of his childhood in that you must take out time to play with him, read out stories to him, build models/do craft with him, take him out to the park/playground and be involved in his childhood. This is the second most important investment you will do that goes a long way in giving security to the child.

A child feel secure when he knows that you, as a parent, love him and are interested in him. Love is a verb, it is action oriented. When you invest time in building a relationship with the child, he sees it as love. Love isn’t buying him an expensive toy in lieu of your time! Mind you, when you buy him things in place of giving your time to him, he is learning to replace things with people from you! Third and a very important aspect in the art of parenting is to soften the frenetic scheduling of the lives of children, giving them some quiet time to play, to ponder, to reflect and to use their inner voice. Replace your list of ‘Don’t do this, don’t do that,’ by defining large boundaries for them. They have a need to explore and repetitive don’ts will only lead the child to experience a frustrated childhood! Remember it from your own childhood experience, don’t you? As adults need their space, children too need to have their own space and time–a time for them to be with themselves, not with school or studies or homework or tuitions or any other extra-curricular classes that frenzied parents subscribe their young ones to such as violin class, tennis class, bharatanatyam class, karate class or swimming class. You might think that it will provide entertainment value for your child but these classes are way too organized and regulated to provide any entertainment value and must not be enforced upon the child unless the child has some definitive talent and willfully wants to take up to it.

Remember always, parents’ love, time and attention are non-tradable items for the child. When we understand this aspect and not neglect it, we allow the child to grow up and blossom naturally. We then enable them to grow up as confident young adults ready to face the world! Childhood years are foundational to the long term health and happiness of an individual. So, as parents, we hold the responsibility of executing our duty with as much seriousness as we would on our work front. As a society, we might have already lost our traditional knowledge in bringing up kids in a cultured, loving and protective environment but we can, as responsible parents do some soul searching and be genuinely interested in attending to the needs and cares of our child. When we are deeply interested in the child, pathways will emerge. See the world from the hopeful and happy eyes of your child! You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth….Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness; For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.- Khalil Gibran

– Mrs. Preethi Dhiman

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Blog Relationships

Transcendence in Relationships

Transcendence in RelationshipsThe couple went into the counsellor’s chambers and both of them were determined that they didn’t want to be in this marriage because they didn’t feel love for each other and there was growing animosity with each passing day. The wife said she didn’t sense his commitment to their marriage from the beginning and the husband argued for hours on how each time he was reminded that love is not just a feeling but it’s a commitment.

The counsellor, ripe with age and wisdom clarified, “I do not agree that feelings are unimportant, and there is only commitment. I do believe, however, that commitment should lead the day. Feelings are an important part of the relationship. But feelings come and go. However, commitment is the glue that holds the relationship together. “Love” is choosing to love someone, not just a feeling. I cannot create emotions, as you note. But I can choose to act lovingly when the emotions aren’t there.”

“Are feelings worthless? Absolutely not! But feelings and emotions are fickle. They come and go. The marriage vows are built on commitment through thick-and-thin. We don’t make a promise to ‘love as long as I feel that emotion.’ We promise to love through good and bad times, up and down times, healthy and sick days! We make those vows because we know the emotion will not always be there, so we promise to work through that.”

Marriage experts point out that one of the several possibilities that gets in the way of loving couples is unaddressed anger and resentment built-up over time.

Let’s look at how resentment builds up in a relationship. At the root of it, resentment stems mostly from childhood hurts or hurts from past lifetimes (as past life regressors put it). When you carry hurts from your childhood such as feeling unimportant, not valued, rejected, accused, guilty, powerless, inadequate or being unlovable–such hurts leave impressions in the unconscious mind that distort your view of current reality. When someone triggers one of your deep set hurt, recognizing the pain it might cause you, you immediately want to escape it and thereby take shelter in blaming the other or getting angry and abusive with the one whose action is hurting you. So, people blaming one another are just trying to relieve the pain of their deep set hurts.

Such deep-set hurts create alongside a deep need. A need which turns into expectation in a relationship i,e the person who is carrying a deep-set hurt expects the other person to treat him/her in a certain manner. When the other person fails to treat him/her in that manner, the deep need is unfulfilled and it leads to resentment. Resentment arises from unfulfilled needs. Note that if the expectation is not connected to a deep-set hurt, it will not lead to resentment.

In a husband-wife relationship, need for affection, appreciation, loyalty are some of the deep needs. When such deep needs are not met, there is scope for blaming, anger, and subsequently resentment. When there is resentment, there is blame. When we blame someone, some part of us feels relieved, isn’t it? Unfortunately, blame does not cure the pain, it only masks it for a while. If we are extremely conscious of our acts, we can know that by accepting our part responsibly and by developing a magnanimous heart to forgive the other person of his faults, can we truly experience relief from the pain that bothers the heart.

In his ‘Life of Total Forgiveness’ seminar, Mahatma Das, a monk & renunciant in the Gaudiya Vaishnava tradition says, resentment is not about what was done to you but about how you responded to what was done to you. He says anger, blame and resentment are emotions on the surface & mostly we are in touch with only these emotions. But if we dig a little more deeper, they have their root in more difficult feelings such as hurt, sadness and disappointment. He advices the participants that healing deep-set hurts is possible when we do a deep emotional excavation and release the emotional tension that we are holding onto by forgiving the person who hurt us. He says, resentment is about you being right and the other being wrong. As long as you need to be right, you won’t forgive. As long as you need to tell others how wrong your offender was, you won’t forgive. When it
comes to forgiving, being right is wrong!

Different ways help different people. When a spouse feels deeply understood and cared for, he or she is able to release some deep hurts. For some people intellectually understanding the direct negative implications on one’s own physical, emotional, mental and spiritual health helps. It is said that resentment is like drinking poison and hoping that the other person will die. If we are holding onto resentment and are not willing to let go of it, we carry it forward to many more lifetimes until one day we have give it up by forgiving the other person. Healers vouch that what we are dealing with in this lifetime, we did not handle it well in our past lifetime. Karmically too, when you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free. A.C.Bhaktivedanta Swami Prabhupada said, ‘Don’t be angry with the agent of your karma.’

Sincere forgiveness isn’t colored with expectations that the other person apologize or change. Don’t worry whether or not they finally understand you. Love them and release them. Life feeds back truth to people in its own way and time. They say to forgive is divine! It is the highest, most beautiful form of love. In return, you will receive untold peace and happiness.

‘As difficult as it seems, you can be sure of this: At the core of the heart, you have the power to move beyond the old issues that are still hindering your freedom. The hardest things–the ones that push you up against your limits–are the very things you need to address to make a quantum leap into a fresh inner and outer life.’ – Doc Childre and Howard Martin

Radhanath Swami in his discourse on forgiveness defines love as the capacity to endlessly forgive. He explains at length how our inability to make the choice to forgive, creates pain suffering and chaos, not only in the lives of others but ours too!    Without forgiveness, no relationship can be satisfying. This is the real secret of successful relationships–the ability to forgive the other unconditionally! He says that this quality of forgiveness is more illuminating than the light of the sun and those who have that ability to forgive are invested with the power to access the mercy and the love of god.

– Mrs. Preethi Dhiman


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The Boulder of Life

The Boulder of LifeBetween the great things we cannot do and the small things we will not do, the danger is that we shall do nothing. ~Adolph Monod

In ancient times, a king had a boulder placed on a roadway. Then he hid himself and watched to see if anyone would remove the huge rock. Some of the king’s wealthiest merchants and courtiers came by and simply walked around it.
Many loudly blamed the king for not keeping the roads clear, but none did anything about getting the big stone out of the way. Then a peasant came along carrying a load of vegetables. On approaching the boulder, the peasant laid down his burden and tried to move the stone to the side of the road. After much pushing and straining, he finally succeeded. As the peasant picked up his load of vegetables, he noticed a purse lying in the road where the boulder had been. The purse contained many gold coins and a note from the king indicating that the gold was for the person who removed the boulder from the roadway. The peasant learned what many others never understand that every obstacle presents an opportunity of growth and progress, if only we are tolerant and perseverant.

In life, we are presented with similar obstacles. Whether we blame someone for it and complain about it or like the peasant we take responsibility for it is a matter of choice. If we are wise and take up responsibility for the obstacles presented to us, we are sure to find gold when the obstacle is gone!

Radhanath swami points out that we need to be tolerant and determined to achieve success in any sphere of our life and never be discouraged by the inevitable obstacles that come on our path. All impediments are like rocks in the river of life. We should flow around them and never give up. With the Lord’s help, there is always a way.