Blog Love Relationships

Love in marriage?


Scene 1: (morning)

Wife to husband: I am going to throw the garbage… why are you still reading the newspaper? Arent you getting late for office? [I asked him to throw the rubbish, he simply doesnt care to help me!]

Husband: Is the breakfast ready? [Everyday I have to remind her that I have to leave office by 8.00am. I’m always reaching office late!]

Wife: Breakfast is there on the table. Please help yourself as I have to throw the garbage now. [when I ask him to do some work, he immediately picks a reason to bash me up]

Husband: Cant you do that later and serve me breakfast instead? What is this, Upma again? [Aman always tells how nicely his wife serves him everyday]

Wife: Do you have anything else except complaints for me? [I am fed up. What happened to all the love he was proclaiming he had for me after our marriage?]

Husband: Look, don’t start off another duel of words early in the morning. My whole day gets spoilt. Its an important day for me at work. [I better leave now, before another war of words starts. I have to call Raman and ask him to check on the meeting preparations].

Wife: If work is the most important thing for you in your life, why did you marry me? [feels hurt & breaks down]

Husband: I dont have time for this now, I’m leaving! [angrily slams the door as he’s leaving]



Scene 2: (morning)

Wife to husband: Oh dear, will you please throw the rubbish. If I dont start making the dosas now, you’ll get late.

Husband: Sure dear..anything for you and your simply wonderful dosas!

Wife: [Smiles] Stop flattering me! oh! I forgot completely that its an important day for you at work today. You get ready dear and I will throw the rubbish later.

Husband: Thanks Uma. You are so understanding, it takes the pressure off me! I’ll come early this evening and let’s go for our long forgotten walk in the park, what say?

Wife: [All happy] Okey-dokey! Breakfast is ready!

Husband: I’m more ready!
[both share a good laugh]

The secret to happiness and love in marriage, Radhanath Swami says is when there is culture of service and appreciation. Srimad Bhagavatam identifies the major enemies that attack us from within and pit us against one another as lust, pride, envy, greed, sinful activities and vanity. By learning to subdue these enemies within ourselves, we become happy and peaceful in our marriage relationships, and indeed in all of our relationships. These enemies can gradually be subdued by spiritual practices, such as chanting the holy names of the Lord.

“In everyday life, our relationships with one another are practice for the divine relationships we will eventually experience. The quality of our interactions indicates how well we are preparing ourselves for association with the Supreme Lord.”(HH Bhaktitirtha Swami)

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Life’s precious gifts

Life's precious giftAt the funeral of his dearest friend, Anand reflected what a kind and genuinely loving soul his friend had been. His friend led a life dedicated to serving others and Anand could not remember a single instance where his friend spoke negatively about someone. Then, he looked around and saw that a large number of people had gathered to bid a loving farewell to his friend. He felt touched. His friend’s wife was being comforted by her entire family, her children and visitors as well.

At this point, he wondered how many people would turn out at his own funeral? How many lives had he touched so far? None, was the scary answer that popped up in his heart. How could he have? He had been leading a shallow life entangled in crazy superficiality which he takes much too seriously! He had been living a life with a closed heart, he gathered, a life where he had put his own needs and pleasures in the centre and had cared very little to find out what others needed or what pleased them.

He then thought of his wife, who was sincerely dedicated to him but he failed to recollect when was the last time he expressed his gratitude to her or genuinely expressed his affection to her? He had a long list of priority in his life. He was a super busy executive who had many things to achieve and prove his worth to the world. He thought of his children who were sent to the best schools in town but he felt a fear..that the children did not care too much about him as he had spent less and less time with them over these years. Then, he thought of his parents, who had raised him with lot of love and care. He remembered how his father took a huge loan to enable him to study and all their sacrifices so that he has a better future. Today, they live with a hope that one day their son will visit them.

Uncontrollable tears rolled out of his eyes. He had a desperate longing to see his parents, touch their feet and seek forgiveness for his brashness and ingratitude. At this point, he felt the hands of an elderly gentleman stroking his back and gently speaking words of wisdom, ‘God has his own unique ways,‘ he said. Anand could only nod.

As he was driving back home, recollecting the words of the elderly gentleman, he said to himself, ‘God, indeed has his own unique ways.’ After a long long time, he felt close to God. He wanted to thank Him for letting him see the reality of his life. Anand immediately decided to make amends and hereon lead a life dedicated to others including his family members, expressing his affection for others more consciously and in sharing life’s precious gifts that he had been endowed with in the funeral of his dearest friend.

‘We should be in harmony with our own consciousness; our mind, body and soul should be one in interest and in purpose. And in that unified condition, we can actually express that natural innate love that we have found in our own life in everything we do in the world.’ – Radhanath Swami

– Mrs. Preethi Dhiman
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Did he intend that?

Did he intend thatWhen I am hurt by my husband’s words, more often than not, I tend to blame him for being insensitive. As I am preoccupied with my own hurt , I leave no effort undone to make it very apparent that ‘he HURT me.’ If our conversation proceeds further and I see that he does not care to respond to my feelings and is more interested in defending his own stance, I’m more and more aggravated and I drive myself to feel more and more pained.

As I was contemplating on how I could resolve this situation occurring and recurring in the lives of many-a- well-meaning couples, I chanced upon the book ‘Difficult Conversations’ by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton and Sheila Heen. As I read the title of the third chapter, a new realization dawned upon me. It said ‘dont assume they meant it.’ The authors say that mostly ‘we assume what the other person’s intentions are, when in fact, we aren’t aware of it! Other people’s intentions exist only in their hearts or minds’.

Why then do we feel hurt when we don’t even know their intention? It is because of the impact of those words or action on us that we tend to assume their intentions as wrong. Eg: on a busy day, when someone makes us wait and he turns up late, we don’t think that ‘he could have run into someone more needy,’ but we think, ‘as usual, he’s taking me for granted.’

What’s ironic is that though we tend to attribute bad intentions to others, we’re more charitable towards ourselves eg: when your husband forgets to pay the electricity bill, he’s irresponsible, but when you forget to lock the main door, you’re overworked & stressed. Just see how we’re able to easily forgive ourselves or rationalize our intention because it is we who know our intentions the best. Similarly, when your husband criticizes your words, you feel he’s putting you down but when you offer him a suggestion, you’re trying to be helpful.

The reason why we can easily forgive ourselves too is because we know that we don’t intend to annoy, offend or hurt someone intentionally. We’re sometimes so caught up in our own act that we’re grossly unaware of the negative impact that our words or action has on someone else. What is most interesting, according to experts, is that it is a rare phenomena to have people with grossly bad intentions in our lives, rarer than we imagine!!

Doesn’t that bring some solace to you! It gives you a chance to look upon your family members as people who love you, who have the best interest for you or at least do not mean to hurt you intentionally. When our vision of people around us change, we start seeing them more positively, the impact of their words and actions on us too change for the better.

Going back to the question of resolving the situation of word/action-> hurt-> blame -> more hurt -> more blame, is to bring it to an objective platform. You bring the situation to an objective platform when you separate the hurt from the intention and then clarify intentions without judging them.

Examples of some clarifications when we react and judge are-

  • Why do you always belittle my efforts?
  • Aren’t you trying to manipulate me?
  • You say these words purposefully to hurt me!

How could we bring in more objectivity into the above 3 examples?

  1. When you say ‘I don’t think you will be able to do it…,’ I feel belittled. What do you actually mean when you say that?
  2. I feel I am being manipulated in the current situation. Can you let me know what you intended when you asked me to speak in favour of you.
  3. You said ‘why bother!’ When you use such words I get hurt. Please tell me what you intended?

Can you see the difference of using our words carefully? How we speak to others evoke similar responses. We might think we’re simply expressing our hurt and might expect the other person to understand and probably apologize to us, but what we’re doing is to inadvertently put them on a defence. Any person will try to defend a false accusation. But when we separate our hurt from their intention and state our hurt and then objectively seek to know their real intention, we’re creating a healthy environment of discussion. Otherwise, if we mix up our hurt sentiments/feelings with their intention, we’re merely provoking them or maligning their character and your words will be farfetched from one who is looking for solace. Such conversations lead to no apology or understanding or a changed situation except a bigger misunderstanding.

Let’s learn how to separate our hurt from their intention in 3 easy steps-

  1. Note what the other person has said or done
  2. What was the impact of this on you
  3. Based on this impact, what assumptions are you making about the other person’s intentions

When we’re on the other side of receiving the blame, we can disarm an explosive situation by first listening to the other person’s feelings and later reflecting on your intention. Usually we fail to listen past the accusation. Accusations especially false ones, really tick us off but let us always remember that accusations about our bad intentions are always because of two reasons-

  1. We really had bad intention or some mixed intention (ulterior motive)
  2. The other person is hurt or frustrated

A constructive conversation when you receive blame is when you start by listening to and acknowledging the feelings and then return to the question of intentions. We can also take up this opportunity to purify our intentions.

Radhanath Swami emphasizes on purifying our intentions- ‘God sees not only our bodies, but he sees our desires, motivations, intentions, and he is only pleased when there is love. If we do not have love in our hearts, God sees, but he is not pleased to see us. Shelter comes when the Lord is pleased with our intention and spirit of service.’

When our intentions are pure, it reflects in our words and actions too!

– Mrs. Preethi Dhiman

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Death, the ultimate teacher!

Death the ultimate teacherThe dictionary meaning of death is ‘the permanent end of anything.’ So when we feel we are going to die, it is such a fearful state and many a times we feel that all others may die except me. Or, most of the times we just shy away from the very thought. People fear death because they do not know what will be after death. Fear is due to ignorance. We feel, but we cannot understand; we fear but we do not know. In darkness there is great fear; in light everything is clear. Krishna explains in the Gita that this knowledge is like the light that reveals everything in truth. Krishna is dispelling all fear of death which is the ultimate fear of this whole creation and if we hear it (Bhagavad Gita from Krishna) submissively we can overcome the principle of death. Krishna is revealing that transcendental wisdom, which brings us beyond death. He awakens us to that eternally blissful, joyful state of eternal consciousness. He explains that the soul, who is the real person, who lives within the temporary residence of this material body is a part of Him and it is the soul, the conscious person that is the enjoyer and the sufferer. The body is just a place, a field where we either enjoy or suffer.

Radhanath swami has beautifully explained in his teachings- “Each moment of life is infinitely precious, if we utilize it for the purpose that lord Krishna has given. “ayur harati vai pumsam” Srimad Bhagavatam describes the nature of time in this way. That with every rise and every setting of the sun, we are one day closer to death. Time is such an inconceivable energy of god. You cannot see, touch, taste, or hear it. It is so subtle and invisible but yet at every moment it is destroying everything. The highest of the highest of the Himalayan Mountain, time will make it into  little piles of dust. It will burnout the sun, will evaporate every ocean and will devastate the physical lives of every living being right from Brahma down to the little insects.”

Radhanath Swami in his book ‘The Journey Home’ explains how he once saw a hawk taking a large fish to the abode of death. In his own words he says,“The unsuspecting fish, who knew nothing but a life in the river, went about its routine like any other day, but in an instant was ripped out of its reality to meet with death. Like that fish, we routinely live our lives hardly aware that, at the least expected moment, the yellow-eyed hawk of fate in the form of crises, tragedy or even death, may wrench us out of our comfortable environment. We regularly hear of it in the news or see it around us but rarely take seriously that it could happen to us. Perhaps the lesson here is to guard against complacency and give a higher priority to our spiritual needs. If the fish swam deeper, the hawk would not be able to reach it. Similarly, if we go deeper into our connection to God, we will find an inner reality so deep and satisfying that it lifts the consciousness to a place where we could deal with the effects of unforeseeable fate with a stable, detached mind.”

Spiritualists know that the ultimate aim of their spiritual practice is to meet such fateful death gracefully and in spiritual consciousness. Such spiritual consciousness cannot be gained until we use our lifetime in practice. The most merciful lord grants us unlimited practice opportunities and awaits our win. One such real practice opportunity is our relationship with others, especially our spouse, children, parents, in-laws, relatives, friends, etc. As we deepen our spiritual practice, we realize that we cannot make spiritual progress without deepening our affection and love for others and ultimately can see the Lord in every living entity. It means our constant endeavor has to be a sure win over our hatred, anger, envy, lust, pride and madness. Until perfection is reached, we can train our minds in such a manner to ward off all negative feelings brought about by our restless mind.

One way to train the mind when it presents us with a negative thought which we want to unmindfully & immediately embrace is to develop a watchful attitude and seek if the thought helps you in your spiritual progress or is detrimental to it. All we have to do in the beginning of our training is to simply be able to recognize that a thought is detrimental to our progress. Then, slowly over time we can train our mind to reject the negative thought. Our mind wants some thought to latch onto, it does not care if it is a positive thought or a negative one. So, when we reject a negative thought, mind hatches a plot to bring that thought right back in. In this situation, we can feed our restless mind with a positive thought. This exercise might seem extremely difficult and painful in the beginning but with constant practice, it becomes a possibility and when you eventually start relishing the nectarean taste of positive thoughts, it becomes your second nature. Then, you have a well trained mind.

The same is applicable in every relationship aspect as well. Every time there is some friction or argument or judging propensity or hurt ego condition, please remember that it is a practice opportunity for us presented by the most merciful Lord and when we come in contact with such negative situations, we have the possibility of not getting swayed by it. Simply recognize the state of mind as detrimental to our spiritual progress and take heed to start seeking positive qualities of the other person. It is possible to count the positive aspects of the other person(who has hurt you or has engaged you in an argument etc) even in the middle of a heated situation but for this to happen, we have to have a single minded focus on our ultimate goal in life and not endeavor to find a comfort zone for our hurt false ego. When we have our eyes firmly set on the goal, only then can we reach the goal. With constant training, it becomes very easy for one who has a trained mind to get over such frivolities and refocus on the essence. If we don’t prioritize in training our minds from this moment on, other differing priorities will take over and in the end, when we are face to face with death and have not enough time to go back and do it all over again in the right manner, all we are left with is a deep regret or unmanageable bewildering thoughts!

Death can come anytime my friends, let us gear ourselves to welcome it with grace.

– Mrs. Preethi Dhiman

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Hands are for loving!!

Hands are for lovingIn India, one in five women faces domestic violence from their husbands. (as `published by Jagori, an institution for protection of women against domestic violence). The abused woman suffer at a gross physical level where she is attacked with weapons, beaten, kicked, slapped or might be subjected to sexual abuse and at a more subtle level, the woman suffers emotional injury from threats, attempts to invalidate her, belittle her, humiliate her either in public or in private. Sometimes there is economic abuse too where she is forced to ask for more money from parents/relatives or taking her money away forcibly and creating thereby financial dependence. These are published statistics; the unpublished statistics probably have a more shocking story to narrate. Mostly this suffering is in silence, inside the four walls and hardly a third person is aware of the level of emotional turbulence a woman undergoes.

Why does a man have to resort to abuse? Abuse of his beloved wife and sometimes children and other family members? Researchers have found that men who abuse often:

  • Use violence and emotional abuse to control their wife.
  • Believe that they have the right to behave in whatever way they choose while in their own home.
  • A man who thinks that he is entitled to dominate family members, and that it is okay to solve problems with violence, may not believe that he needs help.
  • Think that a ‘real’ man should be tough, powerful and the head of the household. They may believe that they should make most of the decisions.
  • The causes of domestic violence include deeply held beliefs about masculinity. For eg: the idea of what it means to be a man, for many men, includes silence and strength. A man may avoid seeking help because he doesn’t want to look ‘weak’ or feminine. Therefore, there is continued abuse.
  • Believe that men are entitled to sex from their partners.
  • Don’t take responsibility for their behavior and prefer to blame the victim for ‘provoking’ his behavior.
  • Make excuses for their violence: for example, they will blame alcohol or stress.
  • Report ‘losing control’ when angry around their wife, but can control their anger around other people. They don’t tend to use violence in other situations: for example, around friends, bosses, work colleagues or the police.
  • Try to minimize, blame others for, justify or deny their use of violence, or the impact of their violence towards women.
  • He may be charming and pleasant between his acts of violence. Outsiders may view him as a nice guy.


Abuse of the wife is largely an issue of power and control. The abuser begins using violence as an effective method for gaining and keeping his control over someone else. He continues the abuse and battering for the same reasons. It is sad to say but the abuser usually does not suffer any adverse consequences because of his misbehavior. However, it causes a huge dent in the self-confidence and thereby reciprocative love of your wife might diminish replacing it with fear and terror of the husband. A responsible husband can take steps of correction before much damage is caused and take steps to restore harmony and peace in his family life.

Let’s try to dispel some of the myths around man’s thinking-

  • Myth #1: Within your family, it’s OK to “let it all hang out” – to be as emotional as you want, and say things you’d never say to a friend or a boss.
  • •Whether you’re abusive or not, (or even upset), you’re still responsible for and accountable for everything you say and do. Moreover, the hurtful, mean and outrageous things you say will be remembered by your spouse or the other family members who hear them and it affects them in more deeper ways than you can imagine. Remember, words hurled at someone cannot be retrieved just like an arrow once it is released from the bow.


• Myth #2: An outbreak of temper just happens, you can’t control it.

You always have a choice about your behavior and how you express yourself. Masculinity is about having total self-control by overcoming your lower senses & thereby commanding respect and not demanding respect by trying to control your wife by means of abusing her. If you’ve developed an abusive habit, or never learned to control your temper, you may need to work on yourself and learn to behave differently.


• Myth #3: My wife makes me do it. She provokes me by her unintelligent behavior.

No one else is responsible for your behavior. You are 100% accountable for every word that you speak. Nor are you responsible for anyone else’s words or actions. You can always choose to speak calmly or resolve the matter through discussion in a more mature and acceptable way.


• Myth #4: Any time we get angry, it’s natural to argue and yell.

Arguing, and shouting is not the only way to express your anger. It’s just the most dramatic way. As a matter of fact, it’s the least effective way to reach a solution for whatever is making you angry.


• Myth #5: It’s a family trait – everyone in my family yells.

Yelling, temper tantrums and arguing may be common in your original family, but it’s not genetic, inherited, or inevitable. It’s still a learned behavior, and it’s a dysfunctional family trait. It’s a habit, and you can overcome it for the benefit of your spouse and children and peace in the family.


• Myth #6: It’s OK to yell, shout, curse, throw things and hit walls as long as I don’t hit a person.

These raging behaviors are classified as emotional abuse, which is just as damaging to family’s peace as physical abuse. Emotional abuse over a long period of time causes a lasting and permanent damage not only in your relationship and family peace but will cause irreparable damage in the psycho-emotional health of your spouse.

The vedic scriptures entitle a man to be the head of the family but with such a position comes huge responsibility too. It is a selfish man who wants the position but not the responsibility. Grihasta ashram or family life is about responsibility otherwise it is grihamedhi ashram  (non-compliant with the vedic principles i,e a sense gratificator).

Recognizing the true responsibility as a husband is the first step in resolving the matter.   It definitely needs great strength and inner conviction on part of the man to accept the problem. Viewing the reality from a spiritual perspective (tattva-vichara) also will help tremendously. The man is encouraged to examine his motivations for the violence and make deep deliberations as to the real cause. Practical strategies include:

  • Learning that violence and abuse is not caused by anger, but the desire to hurt or dominate others
  • Learning how violent behavior damages his relationship with his partner and children, and how he can behave in more respectful ways
  • Self-talk – the man is taught how to recognize individual signs of anger, and how to use strategies like self-talk. A man can use self-talk messages, such as ‘Anger will not solve this problem’ to remind himself to remain calm. A trained counsellor can help a man find his own effective self-talk messages.
  • Time out means walking away from the situation until the man feels calmer. Time out must be discussed with the man’s partner so that both parties understand how and why to use it. However, time out is not an avoidance technique and the man must try and work out the problem at a later opportunity.


Radhanath Swami says it is the husband’s duty to protect the wife through all different trials and tribulations, protecting her body by providing the basic needs even if it is in a simple way, protecting her emotional condition by providing her encouragement and affection, and by protecting her soul, especially by guiding her on the spiritual path by words and example. Radhanath Swami goes on to say, “If you are a spiritual seeker and if you unnecessarily mistreat your wife, it is an aparadh or an offense which will create a great problem in your spiritual life. The wife does not belong to you, she belongs to God. The Spiritual Master and the Lord are entrusting your wife under your care and how you treat your wife is how your treat the Lord. You primary duty in Grihasta life is to show great respect for your wife.”

There are similar responsibilities that he speaks of for a wife, but we can discuss them in a separate article.

– Mrs. Preethi Dhiman

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The greatest enemy of all

The greatest enemy of allThe recent incident where the modesty of a Delhi girl was brutally outraged has drawn lot of public attention not only in the nation but also globally. Many are crying hoarse that the judicial system metes out severe punishment to the rapists. It has become yet another issue which ‘somebody out there’ is responsible for and ‘some others’ will fight to resolve while we will sit in the cozy comforts of our house and become spectators of the ongoing volley of words and at best exchange sympathetic comments.

Do we want to be mere spectators or is there some learning that we can draw from this shocking incident and apply in our own lives and thereby change the world a little bit, for the better? We can probably use this opportunity to introspect and clean our own houses!

When a woman who had committed adultery was being stoned, Jesus Christ said ‘He that is without sin among you, let him first cast the first stone at her’ and one by one everyone dropped their stones. Likewise, the very fact that we live in this material world shows that all of us are sinners to some degree or the other. Such lustful propensities lie deep within us. The Bhagavad Gita claims that this ‘Lust’ is the greatest enemy of the living entity and it covers the living entity by different degrees. It is said that this lust is never satisfied and the more you feed it, the more it burns like fire.

Vedic scriptures call this material world as maithunya-āgāra or the shackles of sex life. While one enjoys sense gratification, it may be that there is some feeling of happiness, but actually that so-called feeling of happiness is the ultimate enemy of the sense enjoyer as it keeps him tied down to this miserable material existence birth after birth.

Radhanath Swami answers the question as to what the truth is? He reiterates that our true identity is that we’re eternal souls. We’re stranded like strangers in a foreign land. For the eternal souls to try to be happy with the cheap thrills with the temporary pleasures of this material existence is really an embarrassment, he says. But sometimes when a person is so intoxicated and consumed, he puts himself to do things that are so humiliating and embarrassing that he does not even know that he’s doing it. That’s the deluding potency of the material energy or maya. So, how do we get out of the shackles of this material energy? Radhanath Swami gives a simple answer. He says, all we have to do to get out of it is to choose to ‘get out of it.’

When a living entity comes in contact with the material creation, his eternal love for the Lord is transformed into lust. Service attitude is transformed into the propensity for sense enjoyment. Designations and attachments are due to our lust and desire, our wanting to lord it over the material nature. In the Bhagavad Gita, Lord Krishna tells us that the senses, the mind and the intelligence are the sitting places of this lust. Through them lust covers the real knowledge of the living entity and bewilders him. Cure is also given by Lord Krishna in the Gita, He says, ‘In the very beginning curb this great symbol of sin [lust] by regulating the senses, and slay this destroyer of knowledge and self-realization.’

To bring about clarity of understanding, Radhanath Swami narrates a parallel from our scriptures how the Supreme Lord showed how this all devouring sinful enemy can be conquered through the example of lust personified Ravana.

Goddess of Fortune, Sita devi is the wife of Lord Rama and she is eternally in loving service of Lord Rama but Ravana wanted to take Sita for himself. This is called kama or lust. In Caitanya Caritamrita, a holy scripture of the Lord in which the author Krishnadas Kaviraj Goswami describes love as the natural inclination of the soul wanting to give pleasure to God. But when that natural affection for God is misplaced, we are trying to enjoy the property of God for our own selfish desire, then that love is transformed into lust. Prema or love is when our energies are placed towards God. When it is placed anywhere else, it is called Kama or lust.

So, Ravana disguised himself and stole Sita. He was so powerful that no one could defeat him, demigods were living in utter fear of Ravana and he was unconquerable. Lord Rama shows us how powerful lust really is. Everytime He cut off the heads of Ravana, another one grew. Doesn’t that sound like our own material desires? Everytime you perform some yajna or sacrifice to give up one material sinful desire, immediately another one shoots up. Those on the spiritual path know that as soon as you cut down one lusty desire, 10 more grow. It is seemingly an endless battle. Finally, Lord Rama shot His arrow into Ravana’s heart. When the arrow pierced the heart, Ravana fell to the ground.

The Lord is the only one who has this arrow. The arrow cannot be obtained by any mortal, living entity. It is the exclusive power of the Lord. That is why Lord Krishna says in the Gita, that this material energy of mine is very very difficult to overcome. But one who surrenders unto Me, I fight their battles with My own hands, I will conquer lust. I will conquer Ravana within your heart. So, when we surrender our sinful desires and
propensities to the Lord, the merciful Lord appears within our heart. Through the process of Bhakti i,e by remembering the Lord, by worshipping Him and chanting His holy names, by offering loving service unto Him, we make place for the Lord to appear within our heart and with His mighty arrows, he can shoot right into the heart of Ravana and make our sinful desires disappear forever from our hearts. That is the recommended process in the vedic scriptures.

So, let us all take this opportunity to introspect and bring out the Ravana hidden deep within each of us. Let us make a prayerful attempt to the Lord to help us by conquering this greatest enemy of all!

– Mrs. Preethi Dhiman

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Arrest that situation!

Arrest that situation!From here on, I’ll be writing series of short sutras that go a long way in making your married life more happier!

Its an often heard complaint from men that they don’t know how to deal with their upset wife. The question arises simply because men are ill-equipped to really know how a woman ‘feels.’

Women are made up of feelings, largely, just like men are made up of an healthy amount of ego. Addressing her feelings in the right manner is as important for her as is addressing the ego of a man in the right manner. It becomes especially true when she is upset with you! It might seem trivial in a man’s perspective that she is disturbed over an insignificant matter & you might just want your wife to brush it aside and expect her to move on with the more important matters in life. But wait, does it make sense to expect something from an already upset person? Common sense says no, isn’t it? Especially, to ignore someone’s hurt feelings and just walk over it as if nothing has happened will leave that person feel more hurt and more upset. Marriage is about care and respect. When you respect your wife’s feelings, she will respect & love you 100 folds more.

You might have good reasons but its her feelings that need to be healed right now and when it is a matter of feelings, logic or debate will not help the situation. When one is upset, it means that they experience something being taken away from them- they experience a lack or a hurt. If not healed right away, this lack will grow, add and multiply over a period of time and fester into a complicated situation which you at that point will be unable to reverse.

Instead of countering her being upset with your anger or harshness, you might want to treat her with kindness realizing that something has been taken away from the core of her heart & that has been caused by your own action/inaction. The position of humility and mutual respect is never truer than in marriage. Usually, when we take a humble position, solution automatically presents itself- providence sent! But assuming that humble position might not come to us naturally. Nevertheless, we can practice it by what I call stepping ‘out-of-your-body.’ When you remind yourself that you are not this body and that the other person is hurt & is seeking your kindness, you allow yourself to contemplate on ways you can make that person feel better, voila, the solution presents itself before you! If its too difficult to assume that position of humility, you can try to lend a sympathetic ear and allow your spouse to express her feelings. Just by listening to her woes, you can make your spouse feel better. In a marriage any situation or matter can be resolved just by listening to the other person sympathetically & in the long run, you can also build strong unbreakable bonds with each other.

Here are some dont’s :

a. Don’t ignore that your wife is upset with you. Acknowledge & take steps to pacify her.

b. Don’t start explaining how you are not wrong! By being defensive, you are telling her that you are not willing to ease her pain.
c. Don’t try to resolve the matter using logic. It will only worsen the situation.
d. Don’t belittle your wife’s feelings. You may not like how your spouse feels but you have to respect it. By respecting her feelings, you inadvertently get your spouse on your side!
e. Don’t run away from the situation if you are on the wrong side. Nothing works in a marriage like a genuine apology.

If you find that your wife is unwilling to open up or tell you what is bothering her, then give her time by assuring her that you are always available for her. It takes patience to heal a deep seated wound formed over a long period of time.

Radhanath Swami gives a simple insightful message on happiness in marriage. He says ‘seeing other people in terms of their desires rather than your own is the basic principle of loving them. Whenever there are differences, be respectful.’

– Mrs. Preethi Dhiman

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