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Did he intend that?

Did he intend thatWhen I am hurt by my husband’s words, more often than not, I tend to blame him for being insensitive. As I am preoccupied with my own hurt , I leave no effort undone to make it very apparent that ‘he HURT me.’ If our conversation proceeds further and I see that he does not care to respond to my feelings and is more interested in defending his own stance, I’m more and more aggravated and I drive myself to feel more and more pained.

As I was contemplating on how I could resolve this situation occurring and recurring in the lives of many-a- well-meaning couples, I chanced upon the book ‘Difficult Conversations’ by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton and Sheila Heen. As I read the title of the third chapter, a new realization dawned upon me. It said ‘dont assume they meant it.’ The authors say that mostly ‘we assume what the other person’s intentions are, when in fact, we aren’t aware of it! Other people’s intentions exist only in their hearts or minds’.

Why then do we feel hurt when we don’t even know their intention? It is because of the impact of those words or action on us that we tend to assume their intentions as wrong. Eg: on a busy day, when someone makes us wait and he turns up late, we don’t think that ‘he could have run into someone more needy,’ but we think, ‘as usual, he’s taking me for granted.’

What’s ironic is that though we tend to attribute bad intentions to others, we’re more charitable towards ourselves eg: when your husband forgets to pay the electricity bill, he’s irresponsible, but when you forget to lock the main door, you’re overworked & stressed. Just see how we’re able to easily forgive ourselves or rationalize our intention because it is we who know our intentions the best. Similarly, when your husband criticizes your words, you feel he’s putting you down but when you offer him a suggestion, you’re trying to be helpful.

The reason why we can easily forgive ourselves too is because we know that we don’t intend to annoy, offend or hurt someone intentionally. We’re sometimes so caught up in our own act that we’re grossly unaware of the negative impact that our words or action has on someone else. What is most interesting, according to experts, is that it is a rare phenomena to have people with grossly bad intentions in our lives, rarer than we imagine!!

Doesn’t that bring some solace to you! It gives you a chance to look upon your family members as people who love you, who have the best interest for you or at least do not mean to hurt you intentionally. When our vision of people around us change, we start seeing them more positively, the impact of their words and actions on us too change for the better.

Going back to the question of resolving the situation of word/action-> hurt-> blame -> more hurt -> more blame, is to bring it to an objective platform. You bring the situation to an objective platform when you separate the hurt from the intention and then clarify intentions without judging them.

Examples of some clarifications when we react and judge are-

  • Why do you always belittle my efforts?
  • Aren’t you trying to manipulate me?
  • You say these words purposefully to hurt me!

How could we bring in more objectivity into the above 3 examples?

  1. When you say ‘I don’t think you will be able to do it…,’ I feel belittled. What do you actually mean when you say that?
  2. I feel I am being manipulated in the current situation. Can you let me know what you intended when you asked me to speak in favour of you.
  3. You said ‘why bother!’ When you use such words I get hurt. Please tell me what you intended?

Can you see the difference of using our words carefully? How we speak to others evoke similar responses. We might think we’re simply expressing our hurt and might expect the other person to understand and probably apologize to us, but what we’re doing is to inadvertently put them on a defence. Any person will try to defend a false accusation. But when we separate our hurt from their intention and state our hurt and then objectively seek to know their real intention, we’re creating a healthy environment of discussion. Otherwise, if we mix up our hurt sentiments/feelings with their intention, we’re merely provoking them or maligning their character and your words will be farfetched from one who is looking for solace. Such conversations lead to no apology or understanding or a changed situation except a bigger misunderstanding.

Let’s learn how to separate our hurt from their intention in 3 easy steps-

  1. Note what the other person has said or done
  2. What was the impact of this on you
  3. Based on this impact, what assumptions are you making about the other person’s intentions

When we’re on the other side of receiving the blame, we can disarm an explosive situation by first listening to the other person’s feelings and later reflecting on your intention. Usually we fail to listen past the accusation. Accusations especially false ones, really tick us off but let us always remember that accusations about our bad intentions are always because of two reasons-

  1. We really had bad intention or some mixed intention (ulterior motive)
  2. The other person is hurt or frustrated

A constructive conversation when you receive blame is when you start by listening to and acknowledging the feelings and then return to the question of intentions. We can also take up this opportunity to purify our intentions.

Radhanath Swami emphasizes on purifying our intentions- ‘God sees not only our bodies, but he sees our desires, motivations, intentions, and he is only pleased when there is love. If we do not have love in our hearts, God sees, but he is not pleased to see us. Shelter comes when the Lord is pleased with our intention and spirit of service.’

When our intentions are pure, it reflects in our words and actions too!

– Mrs. Preethi Dhiman

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LOVE, FOREVER!

LOVE, FOREVER!What is true love? Does it exist in this temporal world? When one says, ‘I’m in love with you,” what do we really mean? Let me explain a little bit to clearly bring out the essence. The mind is a thing and so is the body. It is not part of a person but it is just the covering of a person. The atma or the soul, also called the Jiva, is source of life & that is a person. So, to love someone really means to love the soul in that person and real attachment in the higher reality means being attached to the source of life or being attached to the soul. For eg: When someone close to you dies, there is no much love for the dead corpse but there is love for the person that has left that body, isnt it?

So, everytime we hear a young lover say, ‘I’m in love with you,’ please note that this is not the real love that we are seeking but it is just an expression of ones attachment to the temporary gross body. In actuality, when one says I’m in love with you, it just means, ‘Please satisfy my senses,’ & if you don’t then, ‘I hate you.’ This temporal world is full of dualities, because even though we are not this body, we identify strongly with it, its pleasures & pains & its needs. Therefore, we find that we are not satisfied.

The reason we are not satisfied is because the soul is hungry for true love. The nature of the soul is ‘sat cid ananda,’ it is eternal, full of knowledge and full of bliss. What is that pleasure? It is the pleasure of prema or love. That is the only food that actually gives satisfaction to the heart–to love and to be loved. Actually, when one aspires to find such love, love that satisfies our soul, then it is the highest we can aspire for in our lives.

But we need to use our intelligence to actualize such high aspirations and when our intelligence is being guided by the actual needs and wants of the soul, then our life is directed toward experiencing the highest form of love and happiness thereby. But when our intelligence is being guided by the mind and the senses as against the actual wants and needs of the soul, it leads us to many a binding karmic situations and the perpetuation’s of illusion, which we misunderstand to be love or happiness and it eventually leads us onto the path of misery and suffering only! Everything that we experience through the mind and the senses is “duhkhalayam asasvatam”–it is temporary & brings us misery! All the things we are attached to–be it people or things, will be destroyed & it will end in due course of time.

But, how do we train our senses and mind? The secret is in perfecting our existing relationships. I repeat – The secret of training our senses and mind is in perfecting our existing relationships. All our relationships happen to us with the sole purpose of purifying our existence. Radhanath Swami defines purification as the means of bringing something back to its natural state. Just like pure water means there is no contamination in it. The vedic scriptures prescribe that we can turnaround our situations and miserable conditions of existence when we redefine our love for someone through the means of serving them selflessly. Through rendering service, developing pure motivations and nurturing a genuine concern of wellbeing of everyone around us, we gradually develop divine qualities and bring our mind and consciousness in harmony with the original nature of our soul. As we purify our motives and our selfish tendencies, we begin to attract divine love back into our lives, the love which is the highest treasure and aspiration in all worlds then begins to shine upon us in all its tenderness, bringing fulfillment and unlimited bliss to our being.

Some Relationship pitfalls :

1. To be judgmental: Being judgmental about each and every action of others is not progressive but it is simply distractive. It facilitates us to be argumentative or angry or at best we end up carrying these burdensome thoughts in our mind and breed them day after day until they explode someday. The simple solution to this pitfall is to be non-judgmental. Judging is a force of habit, so we simply have to turn it around and practice being non-judgmental. This requires us just to be aware of our thoughts and actions each and every moment to begin with and arrest judgmental thoughts using our higher intelligence. For eg: Our neighbors dont talk to us ever (because they think they are superior). Stop your mind before it starts the judgmental thought which is given in the bracket. Instead, you can just repeat the fact that your neighbors dont talk to you & be peaceful with it. Believe me, it works like wonder!

2. Harboring negative thoughts about the other person/s: To be envious/hateful towards another, to wish evil/failure for another etc, all these are demoniac thoughts. They do not have anything divine to offer us but hamper our progress on our path of pure love. Please be mindful of not harboring such thoughts even towards people who you consider evil or towards someone who you think is unworthy of respect. Our tricky mind has from time immemorial played tricks to take us away from our goal but now that we are aware of the colossal damage caused by the mind, resolve to yourself not to give into its ways! Replace every negative thought as it occurs with positive counter – thought, even for people who you consider abominable for every soul is inherently good. Do this exercise religiously for EVERY negative thought, relentlessly, every day and one day you will realize that you no longer harbor any negative thoughts but are filled with positive thoughts for people. Thus, seeds of deep love and compassion for every living being fructifies within you as you get connected to the divine realm.

3. Ulterior motives: We have ulterior motives because we sense some kind of profit or adulation/recognition from the act/situation. However, when we perform action laden with ulterior motives, we cease to be genuine caring persons and we fail to attract pure love which is our ultimate goal of life. The best antidote is to practice speaking the truth in every circumstance i,e speak out loud our hidden agendas, even if they may at first sound selfish or you could also confess about your ulterior motive. The only stumbling block we might sense in purifying our motivations is fear of exposing ourselves. But please remember, this is just a mental concoction; our original nature is that we are eternal, full of knowledge and full of bliss. So, forge ahead and break the habit fearlessly and truth will be on your side! Radhanath Swami reiterates that as we progress on the path of pure love, we are supposed to be developing deeper, pure intentions and that means we are devoid of any ulterior motives.

4. Domineering spirit: Most of us fall trap to being control freaks, whether we acknowledge it or not, whether we are aware of it or not! We want to control others, control the situation and control everything that concerns our life. At the deepest level, we do this out of our misplaced propensity to enjoy material nature but the fact is that we are not the controllers and therefore we are frustrated! At a different level, we might want to be in control of situations in our life just to counteract our fears (mostly irrational). However, whatever be the reason, trying to be controller definitely counters our progress. The moment we realize this, we can let go and channelize our energies in developing self-control. Letting go is easier said than done but when we do this as an act of surrender in pursuit of supreme love, it purifies us of our contaminations and then we reflect the eternal nature of the soul.

When you learn to control your mind and your senses, then your mind and senses become peaceful. And in this peaceful state, the true love of the soul can manifest.- Radhanath Swami

– Mrs. Preethi Dhiman

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