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Believe in Yourself – No matter what He says!

Believe in Yourself- No matter what He says!

Believe in Yourself- No matter what He says!Most women face this day-in and day-out in their roles as house wives, mothers and daughter- in- laws: being placed under a microscope 24/7; observed, corrected, judged, and sometimes ridiculed. It is too much for one person to take. But somehow it becomes a part of your job as a wife, mother and daughter-in-law all rolled into one. And the people whom we are trained to please from our very childhood are our dear husbands, our in-laws (more difficult than qualifying for Guinness Records) and sometimes even our kids.

Somewhere along the way, catering to everyone’s needs, wants and desires, your own needs and desires take a back seat. Along with all that we are tagged with labels such as “ she is no good”, “ she is too slow in her work”, “ her cooking is not up to the mark”, or simply “ why can’t she be on time”! Especially “HE” is someone who is the hardest to please. However much you bend backwards to serve him, he finds newer and newer disqualifications. So much so that after some time we start thinking maybe he is right….. “ there is nothing Great about me. Basically, I am a no-good wife, mother and daughter in law.” But No! That’s where we go wrong. We believe others more than we believe in ourselves.

As a woman you have to live up to and cater to the expectations of so many people in your life and that can get too much to take sometimes. And you cannot please everyone. By now you must have realized this plain and simple fact. It all boils down to attitude. Successful housewives are those who have a completely chilled out attitude towards life, where they don’t let anything bog them down. A woman with an attitude will never let the bickering from her husband get to her. I know of one such person, my friend’s mother. I would visit her regularly and one common feature I would see was her husband go on and on about how inefficient she was. He would find faults with her from the moment she woke up in the morning. “Tea has so less sugar”, “where my breakfast ”,“ why is the shirt not ironed” and “you always make me late to work” etc. For me, if someone went on and on like that it would get to my nerves in a jiffy and produce a really unpleasant reaction. But I would see this woman, how patiently she would smile and say “Oh how foolish of me, I will just make it right” and she would actually smile through the whole thing. What an amazing level of tolerance. Anyone would think, “She is so backward. She cannot even stand for herself.” But over the years I have seen how her attitude of always seeing the good and not getting bogged down by all the criticism aimed at her has always kept her in good spirits. More than that, she gradually earned the respect of her husband, who stopped criticizing her in due course of time. And today he does not take one decision without first consulting her and has so much regard for her.

If we analyze the whole thing, we realize that she was not affected by all the criticism as she believed in her capabilities and did not let HIS words affect her self esteem. She had enough self respect to never react or get angry with her husband. And eventually she got him to behave himself! Now that’s what I call a Lady who believes in herself!

– Dr. Sandhya Subramanian

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Marriage is like walking on egg shells!!!

Marriage is like walking on egg shells!!!Have you ever felt that you are treading on egg shells in your married life? That is, when you feel that you never know when your husband or wife can yell or express disappointment at your behavior, or when you can never understand what reaction to expect. It can be very, very difficult. I know of one couple who always have a misunderstanding or an argument at the end of every sentence. It might seem like an exaggeration but it’s true. In fact, this is quite common and can happen to the best of couples.

What is the solution for this problem? It all boils down to good communication skills. Communication skills are most important for maintaining good relations with your spouse. For ex., how do you respond to your partner when you disagree with what he/she has told you? What if your spouse does something that you don’t like? Do you yell? Give them the silent treatment? Or find ways to punish your spouse?

The response we offer when we disagree or when we are frustrated can have a big impact on the relationship. Recognizing our typical patterns is the first step in deciding how we are impacting the relationship. Think of the last few disagreements and look at how you responded. Examine what you were hoping would happen as result of your behaviors. For example, did you give the silent treatment for a day in hopes that your spouse “would learn their lesson?” If so, did it work?

Keeping the communication channels open always is most important in a marriage. Mostly, out of frustration people tend to complain, criticize or compare with others which lead to further problems. So instead of complaining or criticizing one should express one’s need in a positive and direct way. For example, a wife who wants more help around the house says, “I always have to do everything around here and no one else lifts a finger.” This is not likely to motivate her husband to spring into action and help her clean. However, she could make a direct request such as, “could you please do the dishes tonight?”

Communication that involves attacking your partner will not yield positive results. Instead, it is likely to create more problems for the relationship. Attacking your partner verbally may include obvious forms such as name calling, or it may include more subtle forms in an attempt to manipulate your partner.

Name calling is never productive. Avoid the “you” messages that blame the other person. Statements such as “you never do what I want to do,” are not likely to be helpful. Instead, “I” statements such as “I feel hurt that we don’t ever get to visit my mother together” are more likely to lead to an open and honest discussion. “I” statements do not place blame but instead describe a feeling and can lead to a discussion that helps solve a problem.

So in this way, we see that marriage need not be a battle of words, but a comfortable relationship in which two individuals can express themselves with respect for each others views and desires.

Radhanath Swami says, “a couple may have a beautiful house, nice car, so many servants, so much jewelry and furniture and fame and power within society but if the person’s affectionate relationship with his or her spouse is not proper then that person will be miserable no matter what. Everyone does have arguments and misunderstanding; even children do. But these big children are more foolish than little children. Little children fight and make up when offered some sweet, but when elders fight, they may never be able to trust each other for the rest of their lives!!!”

– Dr. Sandhya Subramanian

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Ding Dong Bell, Come Join us in the Well!!

Ding Dong Bell Come Join us in the Well!!Hello to all those in the “Well of Married life”. I crack this joke whenever I wish a couple on their marriage day: “Ding dong Bell! One more down the well!!” Please don’t baulk at this, for it does make people laugh! But it also makes them think that we are all in the same boat together sailing either towards paradise or towards hell, and now it is for us to decide what we want. Our married life can be a life of sacrifice uniting us for the higher purpose of serving God or it can be just a business arrangement to fulfill our selfish needs and desires.

But one thing is a fact. We are all united with a common thread. For example, when ladies meet
together there are few topics which everyone connects with immediately: husband and children, in-laws
and outlaws (nickname for in-laws :P.) My sister-in-law is very active in the kitty party scene. That’s the
place where ladies come together and have a good time discussing their husbands (or rather gossiping
about them.) Everyone has a good laugh, and everyone discovers the common traits among husbands.

1.They don’t like to be given directions while driving.
2.They love to throw wet towels on the bed after bath.
3.They don’t like to be told that they are wrong.
4.You have to agree unanimously with them that women are worst drivers.

5.Laugh at all their jokes (even though they are not so funny.)
6.Remember the account of all the shopping in the past month like a computer.
7.They think that if the children are doing badly in studies it’s because of wives and if they
excel it is because of them.
8. Expect the wife to take care of all the shopping, groceries, and provisions, get repairs done,
pay the bills, and teach the kids. (Still, they feel that wife is doing nothing!)
9. Throws a fit when told to do some housework.
10. And the list is endless… maybe some of you can add some more.

And I don’t know what men talk about when they meet. But I am sure they definitely don’t gossip about their wives. If we do ask them however, I am sure they may come up with a longer list about their wives, starting from nagging everyday to pick up the wet towel from the bed……. and it goes on…I won’t go in much detail about that.

Most married couples have the same problems. That’s what binds us together and so we are all connected with a common thread. So let us help each other to make our marriage a wonderful success and a happy experience. With this thought I would like to start a series of posts on how to understand the idiosyncrasies of each other, on how to tolerate and go ahead with a higher purpose of serving God and society by upholding the spiritual values and beliefs which we follow in our life.

– Dr. sandhya subramanian

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Love without a cause!!

Unconditional Love

Unconditional LoveTears streaming down my face, I just completed the last few words of the classic novel ‘Wuthering Heights’ by Emily Bronte. The book is all about love without any reason, love with intense abandon—just like Heathcliff loved his Catherine. Emily Bronte in this classic book brings out the destructive and obsessive nature of love. What is love? That raging fury of emotions which threatens to burn our insides and tears our heart till it flows out like a river, out of control. In this book we see the power of love that can destroy everything in its path. It is truly a love without a cause, a pain that drives a knife through the heart and makes our stomach churn. Oh! What havoc has this love created in this world—unimaginable pain and suffering! They say love has a brighter side which illuminates and elevates. But where is that to be found in this world? Does it even exist?

Like an animal searching for food for existence the dried up heart searches for this most elusive thing. A person may search for his whole life and still be left bereft of it. There are countless people who have died searching for it. Blessed are those who find this love – everlasting and eternal, that not only liberates one but also enlivens one.

Surely, this is not the love of this world, because the love of this world torments and tortures and breaks our heart as we live. If not, then definitely at death. But still there are fools like us who keep on searching. Oh, when will this search end? Great poets and writers whose lives end tragically realize like Heathcliff that love is beyond this body and one has to look for a love which will transcend everything. Is there really such a love?

Yes, Bhagvad Gita speaks of a love which is eternal. That is the love between the Supreme Lord and the living entity. But how elusive this love is too! You feel that you have almost touched it but then next moment you are miles away. Understanding this divine love is difficult without the causeless mercy of the Lord. Yes, truly this is love without a cause. The lord reciprocates with us causelessly. His love is all encompassing and most compassionate. He like a true lover fulfills our each and every desire and finally when we reach his lotus feet we finally experience that love which we have been searching all our lives.

Radhanath Swami, my spiritual father once told me “Even if the whole world is against you , I will always love you”. And believe me that was the most emotional moment of my life. Such all encompassing compassion, I could see, can come only from a true representative of God. Such is God’s love!! Leaving this spiritual divine love behind how foolish I am that I am searching for this love through mundane relationships of this world!

– Dr. Sandhya Subramanian

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Only One Boss

Who is Boss Husband or Wife

Who is Boss Husband or WifeI wish a good day to all our readers, as I look out of the window and smell the nice fragrance of mud wetted by the rain. It soothes my mind and makes me think. I think about those women and men who are right now, at this moment, stuck in a traffic jam or are packed in stuffy trains and buses or are rushing to reach their offices on time. Oh! What a rush it is in the morning! Isn’t this the case with most cities in the world? And how fortunate am I that I can sit peacefully, sipping tea and enjoying this moment!

Today, men and women are working on par with each other. Gone are the days when women were expected to take care of the homes while the men worked and earned money. Now, women not only work at home, but also rush to work and slog at the office. They return home, again cook in the hot kitchen, and serve dinners to their husbands. And the husbands only work in the office and feel how inefficient the wife is!!! It is a big price we have paid for being such feminists. No doubt we women are very capable, but trying to assert our position as equals has put an added burden on our delicate heads. Now we not only have to work hard to prove ourselves at work, but also have to slog at home; and still we are labeled useless and inefficient by our ‘bosses’—both in office as well as at home.

On the contrary, in the earlier age the women depended on the men to earn and get the daily bread, while they took care of the house and the children. Their roles were well defined and they stuck to it. Because the women were completely dependent on the men, the men were forced to work hard and provide for the family. In turn, the women took care of everything else at home so that the man was always peaceful. Some old- school people will say that in today’s society the roles of husband and wife have been mixed up, and that’s the reason for so many conflicts in married life. If each one stuck to his/her duties and did that perfectly, there won’t be any problems.

So, is it that women who are qualified and intelligent shouldn’t work? Today more and more women are opting for ambitious careers over family life. Lot of compromises is being made at the home front. Maybe that is the need of the hour; to have a good standard of living, both husband and wife have to work. So perhaps role reversals are inevitable in today’s society. But psychologically we see how it affects each party. Husband feels always threatened if the wife is earning more than him and wife feels why she should take all the responsibilities alone. Obviously there will be conflicts and quarrels, as both are trying to take the position of the boss.

Factually, however, there can only be one Boss! Let me explain. In my case, we both are professionals. I am a doctor and he is an engineer. We have tried to stick to our roles. I have cut down on my clinic days to twice a week, that too only when the kids are at school. Rest of the time I am at home, looking into household matters. We cooperate with each other, and when I have to go for some work he is with the children. But above all, what has helped us through all this is spirituality. Our guru Radhanath Swami teaches us with the example of ripples in water. When we throw stones at the same spot in a lake, we see ripples created in the water that never conflict with each other and move harmoniously in concentric circles. Why? Because they have a common centre. And that common centre in our lives should be GOD. If we keep God in the centre of our relationship, there will be minimum conflicts. So, even though in this day and age, both have to work, earn money and have hectic lifestyles, we can strike a balance by following spirituality and accepting only one BOSS at home—and that is God!!!

– Dr. Sandhya Subramanian

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Irreconcilable Differences

Happy marriage

Happy marriageSometimes life makes you take such tough decisions. But as they say, when the going gets tough the tough get going. Marriage is definitely for tough people. To make a marriage last, one should have a tough skin and the ability to switch-on and switch-off one’s ears!! There is a joke about a man who was happily married for about 50 years of his life. His friends asked him the secret of his smiling face. He replied that he was hard of hearing from childhood and so he could switch-off his hearing aid whenever he wanted. That’s a smart man. I wish we women also could do something like that. Anyways, jokes apart, one has to slog to make any marriage work.

In the earlier days, couples would stick together no matter what—even if they had irreconcilable differences. Today, these words—irreconcilable differences—are thrown here and there at the drop of a hat—for freedom! But really, can a marriage be broken just based on these words—irreconcilable differences? I would say the couples in the earlier days were more tolerant than those belonging to today’s jet-set world of technology, where everything is fast or instant—fast cars, instant noodles, fast marriages and instant divorce!

Couples today have no time to resolve any issues in marriage patiently. If this was the case with my parents, I would never have a safe and secure childhood; I wouldn’t get the privileged love of both my mother and father; rather, I would be put in the horrible position of deciding which parent I loved most. I feel that is the most painful thing you could ask a child—“Do you love your mother more or your father more?”

– Dr. Sandhya Subramanian

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Marriage is like walking on egg shells

Happy marriage

Happy marriage Have you ever felt that you are treading on egg shells in your married life? That is, when you feel that you never know when your husband or wife can yell or express disappointment at your behavior, or when you can never understand what reaction to expect. It can be very, very difficult. I know of one couple who always have a misunderstanding or an argument at the end of every sentence. It might seem like an exaggeration but it’s true. In fact, this is quite common and can happen to the best of couples. Maybe it has something to do with staying together too closely for a long time — and that leads to a lot of friction.  But then, after a certain point it becomes too much!

Now, you may wonder what the solution for this problem is. It all boils down to good communication skills. Communication skills are most important for maintaining good relations with your spouse. For ex., how do you respond to your partner when you disagree with what he/she has told you? What if your spouse does something that you don’t like? Do you yell? Give them the silent treatment? Or find ways to punish your spouse?

The response we offer when we disagree or when we are frustrated can have a big impact on the relationship. Recognizing our typical patterns is the first step in deciding how we are impacting the relationship. Think of the last few disagreements and look at how you responded. Examine what you were hoping would happen as a result of your behaviors. For example, did you give the silent treatment for a day in hopes that your spouse “would learn their lesson?” If so, did it work?

Keeping the communication channels open always is most important in a marriage. Mostly out of frustration people tend to complain, criticize or compare with others which lead to further problems. So instead of complaining or criticizing one should express one’s need in a positive and direct way. For example, a wife who wants more help around the house says, “I always have to do everything around here and no one else lifts a finger.” This is not likely to motivate her husband to spring into action and help her clean. However, she could make a direct request such as, “could you please do the dishes tonight?”

Communication that involves attacking your partner will not yield positive results. Instead, it is likely to create more problems for the relationship. Attacking your partner verbally may include obvious forms such as name calling, or it may include more subtle forms in an attempt to manipulate your partner.

Name calling is never productive. Avoid the “you” messages that blame the other person. Statements such as “you never do what I want to do,” are not likely to be helpful. Instead, “I” statements such as “I feel hurt that we don’t ever get to visit my mother together” are more likely to lead to an open and honest discussion. “I” statements do not place blame but instead describe a feeling and can lead to a discussion that helps solve a problem.

So in this way, we see that marriage need not be a battle of words, but a comfortable relationship in which two individuals can express themselves with respect for each others views and desires. As Radhanath swami explains that a couple may have a beautiful house, nice car, so many servants, so much jewelry and furniture and fame and power within society but if the person’s affectionate relationship with his/her spouse is not proper then that person will be miserable no matter what. Everyone does get into arguments and misunderstanding, even children do. But the ‘big’ children are often more foolish than little children. Little children fight and make up when offered some sweet, but when elders fight, they may never be able to trust each other for the rest of their lives!!!

– Dr. Sandhya…Read Sandhya’s Blog