Author: Mrs. Preethi Dhiman

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Tolerate

Embroidery of life!

Embroidery of life!

Embroidery of life! & Radhanath SwamiTo have faith in God’s goodness in trying circumstances opens the door of unlimited grace – Radhanath Swami

There was a little boy, whose mother used to embroider clothes for a living. He once sat at her knee and looked up from the floor and asked her what she was doing. She informed him that she was embroidering. From the underside as he watched her work, he complained that it looked messy. She smiled at him, and said gently to go and play and that when she is done, she will put him on her lap and let him see it from her side. All along, he would wonder why she was using some dark threads along with the bright ones and why they seemed so jumbled from his view. After some time, his mother called him, “Son, come and sit in my lap.” He was surprised and thrilled to see a beautiful flower in the garden. He could not believe it, because from underneath it looked so messy. Then mother said to him, “My son, from underneath it did look messy and jumbled, but you did not realize that there was a pre-drawn design on top. I was only following it and when you look at it from my side, you see the complete picture.”

As he grew up, many times through the years whenever he looked up to his Heavenly Father and said, “Father, what are You doing?” it seemed that the Lord answered, “I am embroidering your life.” He would think, “It looks like a mess to me. It seems so jumbled. The threads seem so dark. Why can’t they all be bright?” The Lord seemed to reply, “My child, you go about your business and one day I will bring you back to me and put you on lap and you will see the plan from My side.”

Radhanath Swami says, The ability to see God’s plan behind everything that happens in our life is very difficult; especially when things don’t work according to our plans. He further reiterates that it requires humility to accept that we are not the doers! Similarly in our married lives when we accept difficulties as a situation specially created for us such that one day we can enjoy the embroidery of life, and learn to tolerate, we become enabled to deal with many a trying circumstance and one day when we see the big picture, the entanglements of life appear on the distant other side.

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Appreciate

Love in marriage?

Love in marriage?

Love in marriage?Scene 1: (morning)

Wife to husband: I am going to throw the rubbish, why are you still reading the newspaper? Arent you getting late for office? [I asked him to throw the rubbish, he simply doesnt care to help me!]

Husband: Is the breakfast ready? [Everyday I have to remind her that I have to leave office by 8.00am. I’m always reaching office late!]

Wife: Breakfast is there on the table. Please help yourself as I have to throw the rubbish now. [when I ask him to do some work, he immediately picks a reason to bash me up]

Husband: Cant you do that later and serve me breakfast instead? What is this, Upma again? [Aman always tells how nicely his wife serves him everyday]

Wife: Do you have anything else except complaints for me? [I am fed up. What happened to all the love he was proclaiming he had for me after our marriage?]

Husband: Look, don’t start off another duel of words early in the morning. My whole day gets spoilt. Its an important day for me at work. [I better leave now, before another war of words starts. I have to call Raman and ask him to check on the meeting preparations].

Wife: If work is the most important thing for you in your life, why did you marry me? [feels hurt & breaks down]

Husband: I dont have time for this now, I’m leaving! [angrily slams the door as he’s
leaving]

Scene 2: (morning)

Wife to husband: Oh dear, will you please throw the rubbish. If I dont start making the dosas now, you’ll get late.

Husband: Sure dear..anything for you and your simply wonderful dosas!

Wife: [Smiles] Stop flattering me! oh! I forgot completely that its an important day for you at work today. You get ready dear and I will throw the rubbish later.

Husband: Thanks Uma. You are so understanding, it takes the pressure off me! I’ll come early this evening and let’s go for our long forgotten walk in the park, what say?

Wife: [All happy] Okey-dokey! Breakfast is ready!

Husband: I’m more ready!

[both share a good laugh]

The secret to happiness and love in marriage, Radhanath Swami says is when there is culture of service and appreciation. Srimad Bhagavatam identifies the major enemies that attack us from within and pit us against one another as lust, pride, envy, greed, sinful activities and vanity. By learning to subdue these enemies within ourselves, we become happy and peaceful in our marriage relationships, and indeed in all of our relationships. These enemies can gradually be subdued by spiritual practices, such as chanting the holy names of the Lord.

“In everyday life, our relationships with one another are practice for the divine relationships we will eventually experience. The quality of our interactions indicates how well we are preparing ourselves for association with the Supreme Lord.”(HH Bhaktitirtha Swami)

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Love

Love, the eternal reality

Love, the eternal reality

Love, the eternal realityThe soul is pleasure seeking and the soul needs love and the soul suffers when that love is frustrated- Radhanath Swami

In this world, the most satisfying, loving relationships are not the romantic affairs that we see in the movies, because that kind of love or relationship does not last long. The real pleasure of the heart comes through real love. What is this love? Love is defined in the Caitanya Charitamrita (the most acclaimed biography of Lord Chaitanya) as the complete giving of the heart for the pleasure of the object of our love – through sacrifice and dedication. That deep propensity to love is within the heart of every living being because it is that love which is the only eternal reality. But, when we come under the influence of our own false ego (ahankar), we’re seeking the pleasure that that love brings us through our own selfish pursuits. Such affection in which we try to enjoy for ourselves is called kama or lust. It’s the material principle. It’s just like a blazing fire that can never be satisfied. As long as we keep feeding the fire of the burning desire for enjoyment by trying to enjoy for ourselves, the hungrier it grows but real love is unconditional and unmotivated.

A boy was born to a couple after eleven years of marriage. They were a loving couple and the boy was the gem of their eyes. When the boy was around two years old, one morning the husband saw a medicine bottle open. He was late for office so he asked his wife to cap the bottle and keep it in the cupboard. His wife, preoccupied in the kitchen totally forgot the matter. The boy saw the bottle and playfully went to the bottle fascinated by its color, drank it all. It happened to be a medicine meant for adults in small dosages. When the child collapsed the mother hurried him to the hospital, where he died. The mother was stunned. She was terrified, how could she face her husband.

When the distraught father came to the hospital and saw the dead child he looked at his wife and uttered just four words. The husband just said, “I am with you.” He acted thoughtfully. The child was dead. He can never be brought back to life. There was no point in finding fault with the mother. Besides, if only he had taken time to keep the bottle away, this would not have happened.
No one is to be blamed. She had also lost her only child. What she needed at that moment was consolation and sympathy from the husband. That is what he gave her.

Unconditional love is a very high and pure platform. To get there we have to honestly begin from where we are. The beginning of love is to do what the beloved wants. – Radhanath Swami

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Blog Relationships

Great Expectations!

Great Expectations!

Great Expectations!Marriage is a hotbed for hidden, unrealistic expectations. Most men and women have deep-seated ideas about how the other should behave in a picture-perfect marriage. Often these expectations are not fully conscious, nor are they completely acknowledged and communicated between spouses. When one spouse begins violating the expectations of the other, however, an all too familiar negative spiral of disappointment, retaliation, and resentment can ensue.

If we’re completely honest, we all came into our marriages with unrealistic expectations, which eventually took us by surprise. Even though this can be both disappointing and frustrating, we don’t have to continually live that way. We can bring out our deep-seated expectations and communicate it to our partners by doing a simple exercise on clarifying mutual expectation.

Exercise: Clarifying Mutual Expectations*

On a sheet of paper make 4 quadrants and write one of these points in each quadrant.

a. I promise to fulfill your following expectations-100%.

(what I think is the other person’s expectation of me)

b. I will try to fulfill your following expectations, but will not be able to promise.

(what i think is the other person’s expectation that I might not be able to fulfill, but will try)

c. In our relationship, I want these promises from you.

(my need & expectations of the other person that I want him/her to fulfill for sure)

d. In our relationship, I expect my following expectations to be fulfilled by you.

(my need and expectations of the other person that may be difficult for the other person to fulfill,
but I want him/her to know and to try to fulfill)

Take about 20 minutes to think and pen down what you value the most to be followed in your marriage, in each of the quadrants. After both of you have completed, exchange the sheets or compare the sheets to find out the other person’s expectations and commitments while you communicate your own commitment and expectations.

You will benefit most when you have the intention of understanding the other person’s expectations and fulfilling it to give happiness to the other person rather than waiting on the other person to fulfill his/her expectation. When all is said and done.

However, you know what–we are likely to be unhappy even when our expectations ARE met! Let me explain. We are most grateful for the good things that come our way that we did not expect to happen. For instance, if you expect your partner to help you with the housework, you will be disappointed, mad, sad, or angry when your partner does not help you with the housework, but you won’t necessarily be grateful when your partner does help with the housework. Depending on your history together, you may be

• Pleased – “I’m glad we’re doing this together.”
• Surprised – “I can’t believe you actually mopped the floor!”
• Justified – “I do my share and you need to do your share.”
• Vindicated – “It’s about time you started pulling your weight!”

Unhappiness is trading what we want MOST for what we want NOW. We want whatever makes us uncomfortable – our anxieties, our insecurities, our challenges – we want that discomfort to go away RIGHT NOW. But deep down, what we want most is to be – more loving, more forgiving, more compassionate, and more grateful. Understand this carefully as this is our secret need and what we generally do is to expect people around us to create space for us to exhibit them and when we do not find opportunities to be more loving, more forgiving, more compassionate or more grateful,

When you are dead tired at the end of the day, and you walk in to find your partner cleaning the kitchen, or putting the kids to bed when you expected her to be home late – that’s when you feel truly grateful – because you were not expecting the help! When we
are truly grateful for something, we cannot help but feel happiness. This is the recipe to a happy married life!

Dennis Prager says it best:
Gratitude is the key to happiness and anything that undermines gratitude must undermine happiness. And nothing undermines gratitude as much as expectations. The more expectations you have, the less gratitude you will have. Expectations and gratitude are opposite sides of the same coin.

Here is another secret–Whatever you focus on, grows. Grow your happiness by lowering your expectations and growing your gratefulness.

The highest secret mantra is revealed by Radhanath Swami. He says that we can lower our expectation by cultivating humility. If we are proud, we feel that we deserve so many good things from others. If we are actually humble, we are grateful for whatever happens and for whatever that comes. He reiterates that when we expect something, then even if we get it, we are not really happy; at the most we experience some flickering pleasure in our mind and senses. But if we feel that we don’t deserve it, and then when we get it, we are grateful and gratitude is real happiness; gratitude is the happiness of the heart.

*Source: Oasis Self-Leadership Education for Community Development

– Mrs. Preethi Dhiman

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Tolerate

Put It Down!

Put It Down!

Put It Down!The power to forgive is the sign of real inner strength and integrity – Radhanath Swami.

A professor began his class by holding up a glass with some water in it. He held it up for all to see and asked the students,’ How much do you think this glass weighs?’ ’50gms!’…. ‘100gms!’…..’125gms’…the students answered.

What would happen if I held it up like this for a few minutes? ‘Nothing’ the students said. ‘Ok what would happen if I held it up like this for an hour?’ the professor asked. ‘Your arm would begin to ache’ said one of the students.

You’re right, now what would happen if I held it for a day?’ ‘Your arm could go numb, you might have severe muscle stress and paralysis and have to go to hospital for sure!’ ventured another student and all the students laughed. ‘Very good. But during all this, did the weight of the glass change?’ asked the professor. ‘No’ ‘Then what caused the arm ache and the muscle stress?’ ‘Put the glass down!’ said one of the students.

We have seen many marriages marred by old scars of misunderstandings and unmet expectations. Just like young kids, young relationships are also very impressionable. Before the strong bond of camaraderie has formed between the spouses, any little
point can scratch the relationship. And if the little wound is not nursed and the emotional bleeding not arrested immediately, the innocuous looking episode can lead to permanent scars. Scars don’t hurt physically, but their very sight reminds us of the episode that caused them; and that hurts, over and over again, forever.

The professor just taught the students a priceless lesson. Put it down! Don’t carry the day’s small disagreements on your mind for days. Perhaps your spouse was harsh today, perhaps he or she needled your weak spot. That doesn’t make him or her your worst enemy. Yes, it hurt, but talk it out and get done with it. If not addressed immediately, you will find yourself referring to this one old silly incident years afterwards. Years of carrying it would have artificially blown up the issue out of proportions – just as the glass’s weight “increased” after holding it for long.

Radhanath Swami explains that the nature of the mind is that it’s never satisfied. The mind can’t tolerate any little opposition. It expects more and more from the partner. And the more you expect, the more you suffer. Humility is the divine virtue that brings gratitude and inner satisfaction. It bestows the sublime quality of forgiveness. As long as we hold grudges against people who we think have done something wrong to us, that hard feeling is like a fire that burns our very soul. It is miserable to hold grudges against our spouse.

Radhanath Swami concludes: Forgiveness is real power. Holding grudges is a sign of weakness and cripple-mindedness. The power to forgive is the sign of real inner strength and integrity.

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Blog Relationships

Believe in Yourself – No matter what He says!

Believe in Yourself- No matter what He says!

Believe in Yourself- No matter what He says!Most women face this day-in and day-out in their roles as house wives, mothers and daughter- in- laws: being placed under a microscope 24/7; observed, corrected, judged, and sometimes ridiculed. It is too much for one person to take. But somehow it becomes a part of your job as a wife, mother and daughter-in-law all rolled into one. And the people whom we are trained to please from our very childhood are our dear husbands, our in-laws (more difficult than qualifying for Guinness Records) and sometimes even our kids.

Somewhere along the way, catering to everyone’s needs, wants and desires, your own needs and desires take a back seat. Along with all that we are tagged with labels such as “ she is no good”, “ she is too slow in her work”, “ her cooking is not up to the mark”, or simply “ why can’t she be on time”! Especially “HE” is someone who is the hardest to please. However much you bend backwards to serve him, he finds newer and newer disqualifications. So much so that after some time we start thinking maybe he is right….. “ there is nothing Great about me. Basically, I am a no-good wife, mother and daughter in law.” But No! That’s where we go wrong. We believe others more than we believe in ourselves.

As a woman you have to live up to and cater to the expectations of so many people in your life and that can get too much to take sometimes. And you cannot please everyone. By now you must have realized this plain and simple fact. It all boils down to attitude. Successful housewives are those who have a completely chilled out attitude towards life, where they don’t let anything bog them down. A woman with an attitude will never let the bickering from her husband get to her. I know of one such person, my friend’s mother. I would visit her regularly and one common feature I would see was her husband go on and on about how inefficient she was. He would find faults with her from the moment she woke up in the morning. “Tea has so less sugar”, “where my breakfast ”,“ why is the shirt not ironed” and “you always make me late to work” etc. For me, if someone went on and on like that it would get to my nerves in a jiffy and produce a really unpleasant reaction. But I would see this woman, how patiently she would smile and say “Oh how foolish of me, I will just make it right” and she would actually smile through the whole thing. What an amazing level of tolerance. Anyone would think, “She is so backward. She cannot even stand for herself.” But over the years I have seen how her attitude of always seeing the good and not getting bogged down by all the criticism aimed at her has always kept her in good spirits. More than that, she gradually earned the respect of her husband, who stopped criticizing her in due course of time. And today he does not take one decision without first consulting her and has so much regard for her.

If we analyze the whole thing, we realize that she was not affected by all the criticism as she believed in her capabilities and did not let HIS words affect her self esteem. She had enough self respect to never react or get angry with her husband. And eventually she got him to behave himself! Now that’s what I call a Lady who believes in herself!

– Dr. Sandhya Subramanian

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Blog Relationships

With great power comes great responsibility!

With great power comes great responsibility!

Great-Power-and-great-ResponsibilityThe Vedic Scriptures declare that a woman must be under the shelter of her father before marriage and her husband after marriage. A woman can vouch for it more than anybody else. Because, she needs to feel secure, she needs to feel cared! What does it translate to for the husband?

If you are like the boss who expects his employee to perform exceeding his expectation but tries to keep his employee’s demands at bay; i.e., if you are unconsciously preoccupied trying to keep your wife’s demands at bay rather than being totally committed to meeting her needs, regardless of the cost, you will only end up with a frustrated wife.

Rather, if you were like a sensitive, caring employer and you walked up to your employee and said, “You know, I’ve really been thinking about you lately. I wonder if there is anything I can provide for you to make your job more enjoyable. Also, am I paying you enough?” That would be any employee’s dream. Well, every woman’s dream is to have a husband who will manifest the same attitude.

‘Love’ and ‘care’ are action oriented verbs. So, you need to make deposits in that love bank to withdraw ‘love’ and ‘care’ from it. But are you one of those husbands who even today are in the dark as to what it takes to care for your wife in the right way? Don’t worry, your worries are no more!

Well, the secret is in satisfying her emotional need! When the emotional need of the woman is met, she feels loved and cared for in a relationship and is the happiest person around, but when it is not met, to put it mildly, she is a fireball! But what really is this emotional need of a woman? Emotional needs are different for different people. For one, it could be the daily 15 minute help in the kitchen during the rush hour, for another it could be help in maintaining a ‘tidy’ house, fulfilling a family commitment for another, admiration or affection for some, doing something together (domestic or recreational) for another. It could be one or more of these.

However, every woman I know of wants an intimate space from her husband for a heart-to-heart talk at the end of the day. A woman has the basic need to express her feelings and emotions (sometimes pent up!) and she has the need to talk about it to someone who can listen with an open mind, without trying to offer solutions. A woman experiences fulfillment through sharing and relating. A husband who realizes this fact can make room in his life to allow his wife to be expressive while he can be a good ‘listener.’ Do you know that the most common complaint of women world-over is that their husbands don’t listen? You can also develop a deeper bond with your wife if you open up to her with your own emotions and feelings. Many men have a hard time ‘opening up’ to women but note that this is an important part of a woman’s need, i.e., to feel that the two of you have a deep emotional connection.

When this emotional connection is established, you see magic happen! Your wife will feel secure and deeply satisfied in your marriage and what’s more you will have your wife always on your side, eager to serve you and care for you! You will be pleasantly surprised by how well your wife responds to her new atmosphere of security.

But a man often fears what his wife will do when he makes himself totally available to meet her needs. Let me tell you—that is the last thing to fear. You simply cannot imagine what a woman will do for her man if he will envelope her in an atmosphere of total security by laying down his selfish ways to meet her needs. Simply because you have become humble and have committed yourself to meeting your wife’s needs doesn’t mean you lose your authority or manhood. True and lasting authority is built, not broken, upon the foundation of sacrificial servanthood. It is true leadership by example.

Now, did I now give you the hard task of identifying your wife’s unique emotional need? Hmm, its pretty simple to find out. Just ask her with a genuine concern and she will detail it out for you but once you have made a commitment to her, stand by it! A woman can discern instinctively if her husband truly is caring for her.

Whenever Radhanath Swami solemnizes marriage, he always maintains that the primary duty of the husband is to protect his wife throughout her life, to protect her physically by providing the comforts and needs and to protect her emotionally by giving her appreciation and showing his genuine concern for her welfare in all aspects of her life and to spiritually protect her by giving all facilities to her for her own spiritual progress & being a good example himself.

I hope that you are able to find some cues herein on your journey of togetherness and that the journey becomes sweeter. In case you want me to elaborate on anything specific, please feel free to leave a note in reply. Take care!

– Mrs. Preethi Dhiman

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