Category: Relationships

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Marriage is like walking on egg shells!!!

Marriage is like walking on egg shells!!!Have you ever felt that you are treading on egg shells in your married life? That is, when you feel that you never know when your husband or wife can yell or express disappointment at your behavior, or when you can never understand what reaction to expect. It can be very, very difficult. I know of one couple who always have a misunderstanding or an argument at the end of every sentence. It might seem like an exaggeration but it’s true. In fact, this is quite common and can happen to the best of couples.

What is the solution for this problem? It all boils down to good communication skills. Communication skills are most important for maintaining good relations with your spouse. For ex., how do you respond to your partner when you disagree with what he/she has told you? What if your spouse does something that you don’t like? Do you yell? Give them the silent treatment? Or find ways to punish your spouse?

The response we offer when we disagree or when we are frustrated can have a big impact on the relationship. Recognizing our typical patterns is the first step in deciding how we are impacting the relationship. Think of the last few disagreements and look at how you responded. Examine what you were hoping would happen as result of your behaviors. For example, did you give the silent treatment for a day in hopes that your spouse “would learn their lesson?” If so, did it work?

Keeping the communication channels open always is most important in a marriage. Mostly, out of frustration people tend to complain, criticize or compare with others which lead to further problems. So instead of complaining or criticizing one should express one’s need in a positive and direct way. For example, a wife who wants more help around the house says, “I always have to do everything around here and no one else lifts a finger.” This is not likely to motivate her husband to spring into action and help her clean. However, she could make a direct request such as, “could you please do the dishes tonight?”

Communication that involves attacking your partner will not yield positive results. Instead, it is likely to create more problems for the relationship. Attacking your partner verbally may include obvious forms such as name calling, or it may include more subtle forms in an attempt to manipulate your partner.

Name calling is never productive. Avoid the “you” messages that blame the other person. Statements such as “you never do what I want to do,” are not likely to be helpful. Instead, “I” statements such as “I feel hurt that we don’t ever get to visit my mother together” are more likely to lead to an open and honest discussion. “I” statements do not place blame but instead describe a feeling and can lead to a discussion that helps solve a problem.

So in this way, we see that marriage need not be a battle of words, but a comfortable relationship in which two individuals can express themselves with respect for each others views and desires.

Radhanath Swami says, “a couple may have a beautiful house, nice car, so many servants, so much jewelry and furniture and fame and power within society but if the person’s affectionate relationship with his or her spouse is not proper then that person will be miserable no matter what. Everyone does have arguments and misunderstanding; even children do. But these big children are more foolish than little children. Little children fight and make up when offered some sweet, but when elders fight, they may never be able to trust each other for the rest of their lives!!!”

– Dr. Sandhya Subramanian

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Dealing with the male ego

Dealing with the male egoWith downcast eyes, Geeta confided, “I have a hard time respecting my husband. I want to be obedient to God’s command, but I don’t want to be dishonest to my feelings.”

Radhanath Swami says, “It’s not so difficult to be respectful, to be caring, or to be forgiving, but the mind makes it appear that way.” The solution is in putting our intelligence to use: understand that what we are resisting against is the actual path of dharma. Then it becomes easy to surrender our ego to the Lord. We can thus overcome the lower nature of the mind and the senses, and we can do the right thing. A wife’s dharma is to be respectful towards her husband. But many a times, our endeavor and life’s mission is to change the husband! Isn’t it? Expecting my husband to understand me, to appreciate me, and to give me few minutes of undivided attention, many a time I’ve fallen trap to what I call a vicious circle: unfulfilled expectation, anger and resentment, harsh words inadvertently provoking the husband’s anger and the battle begins! What seems like an innocent beginning ends disastrously. I learnt the hard way that this is what happens when I take shelter of my mind instead of my dharma (duty).

A wise woman once told me, “If you want a truly fine husband, respect him at the level at which you want him to reach.” Strong evidences indicate that a woman holds great power to make or break a man.
In his book His Needs, Her Needs, Willard Harley amends the saying, “Behind every great man is a great woman” to “Behind every great man is an admiring wife.”
A man usually likes to be respected. That’s the male ego and when he doesn’t get it, often times he becomes frustrated or violent and there arises a domestic problem. But when his wife gives him due respect, something wonderful happens. He thrives and grows toward godliness. When his need to be respected is fulfilled, something more amazing happens, something that every wife ever craves for! He tries to fulfil all the needs of his wife, lovingly. I’ve known a couple who seem to be perfectly leading their married life even after many years of marriage – no fights but cooperation, harmonious dealings and very much happy to be with each other! I kept wondering the secret of their success and bingo, one day it dawned upon me when I was intimately speaking with the wife. She was very respectful whenever she spoke about her husband and in her day-to-day life, was careful to fulfil his minute needs as well, even at the expense of bearing personal inconveniences. For that matter, I’ve never seen her speak disrespectfully about her husband, even to her closest friends or family members. Mahabharath narrates of Queen Draupadi advising Queen Sathyabama on how to please ones husband. She concludes that the behaviour of a wife based upon regard for the husband is the eternal virtue for women.

Of course, the husband has his part to play. The Manu-Samhita (the laws of all social classes of Hinduism) declares that it is the duty of the husband to satisfy the wife by riches, clothes, love, respect and pleasing words. The husband should never do anything displeasing to her. In Srimad Bhagavatam we see that Lord Krishna Himself was acting even as a hen-pecked husband, just for the pleasure of his surrendered wives. He even fought with the demigods to get the parijata flower and hence please his wife.

I’m including a self-help kit (Appendix 1) which I borrowed from a Christian missionary organization helping people discover Jesus. It gives practical step by step tips for wives, so it can be a useful instrument. And for those who want to raise their benchmark, there is more about Queen Draupadi’s advice to Queen Sathyabama at Appendix 2. Read on and happy respecting!

Appendix 1: 10 Steps Towards Respecting Your Husband

1. Pray for him daily and trust the Lord to answer your requests.
a. Pray for his well-being, wisdom, protection, blessings, guidance, knowledge, spiritual maturity, success, purity, strength in temptation, etc.
b. Look for God’s answers to your prayers.
c. Thank God for working on your family.
d. Thank God for your husband.
e. Pray for your attitude.
2. Remember that the Lord has put your husband in a position of leadership, and He will lead you through your husband.
3. Make a list of your husband’s qualities that you appreciate. Review and add to your list regularly.
4. Tell your husband what you appreciate about him. Tell others what you appreciate about him.
5. Don’t criticize your husband to others – especially to your children.
6. Look for the positive side of things that you may find irritating. If you find it boring when he spends time telling you about his bad day, remember that at least he is talking to you, spending time with you, sharing his concerns with you, bringing you into his confidence, and giving you the chance to be an encourager and helper.
7. Respond to his requests with enthusiasm.
8. If you are concerned about a decision your husband has made, ask him the following:
a. “I’m confused about _________. Can you explain it to me?”
b. “Can we talk about _____? I feel uncomfortable about ______.”
c. Don’t ask: “WHY in the world would you do it that way?” or ask “Why?” in any way that implies you think he is foolish.
9. Respect his likes and dislikes.
10. If you find yourself thinking negative thoughts about your husband, stop and choose to think of something else – especially things from your positive quality list. (or refer to my previous blog article)

Remember, God is working on you and your husband. You can both learn from your failures as well as your successes. Give God the freedom to teach your husband through failure. In the same way, give God the freedom to teach you to trust Him through your husband’s failure.

Appendix 2: Excerpts from Queen Draupadi’s advice to Sathyabama-

“…Keeping aside vanity and controlling desire and anger, I always serve with devotion my husbands and their other wives. I wait upon them with a deep devotion of the heart, by restraining jealousy and relinquishing any sense of degradation or humiliation that may arise due to the services I perform. I never use angry or fretful speech and I never imitate wicked women. I always do what is agreeable to them and I am never idle.” “I always discharge without idleness of any kind those duties my mother-in-law imparted to me. My husbands have become obedient to me because of my diligence, alacrity, and humility with which I serve superiors. Every day, I personally wait upon the revered and truthful Kunti, that mother of heroes, with food, drink and clothes. I never show any preference for myself over her in matters of food and dress. And I never verbally reprove her. I never speak ill about my mother-in-law.” “Such behaviour, which is based upon regard for the husband, is the eternal virtue for women.” “I used to serve the Kuru princes day and night, bearing hunger and thirst so that my nights and days were the same to me. I used to be the first to wake up and the last to go to bed. This, O Satyabhama, is the charm that has made my husbands obedient to me.”

– Mrs. Preethi Dhiman

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Ding Dong Bell, Come Join us in the Well!!

Ding Dong Bell Come Join us in the Well!!Hello to all those in the “Well of Married life”. I crack this joke whenever I wish a couple on their marriage day: “Ding dong Bell! One more down the well!!” Please don’t baulk at this, for it does make people laugh! But it also makes them think that we are all in the same boat together sailing either towards paradise or towards hell, and now it is for us to decide what we want. Our married life can be a life of sacrifice uniting us for the higher purpose of serving God or it can be just a business arrangement to fulfill our selfish needs and desires.

But one thing is a fact. We are all united with a common thread. For example, when ladies meet
together there are few topics which everyone connects with immediately: husband and children, in-laws
and outlaws (nickname for in-laws :P.) My sister-in-law is very active in the kitty party scene. That’s the
place where ladies come together and have a good time discussing their husbands (or rather gossiping
about them.) Everyone has a good laugh, and everyone discovers the common traits among husbands.

1.They don’t like to be given directions while driving.
2.They love to throw wet towels on the bed after bath.
3.They don’t like to be told that they are wrong.
4.You have to agree unanimously with them that women are worst drivers.

5.Laugh at all their jokes (even though they are not so funny.)
6.Remember the account of all the shopping in the past month like a computer.
7.They think that if the children are doing badly in studies it’s because of wives and if they
excel it is because of them.
8. Expect the wife to take care of all the shopping, groceries, and provisions, get repairs done,
pay the bills, and teach the kids. (Still, they feel that wife is doing nothing!)
9. Throws a fit when told to do some housework.
10. And the list is endless… maybe some of you can add some more.

And I don’t know what men talk about when they meet. But I am sure they definitely don’t gossip about their wives. If we do ask them however, I am sure they may come up with a longer list about their wives, starting from nagging everyday to pick up the wet towel from the bed……. and it goes on…I won’t go in much detail about that.

Most married couples have the same problems. That’s what binds us together and so we are all connected with a common thread. So let us help each other to make our marriage a wonderful success and a happy experience. With this thought I would like to start a series of posts on how to understand the idiosyncrasies of each other, on how to tolerate and go ahead with a higher purpose of serving God and society by upholding the spiritual values and beliefs which we follow in our life.

– Dr. sandhya subramanian

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Mind Games

Mind Games

Mind Games

We are what we think. Research has proven how our thoughts ultimately define our personality. Medical science also shows close connections of negative thoughts harbored over a long period of time manifesting into disease conditions in the body. They say a healthy body is a reflection of a healthy mind. But the million dollar question is, do we really pay attention to what our mind leads us up to?

Let’s take a closer look at how we deal with our senses. We walk past a butcher shop and the foul smell emanating immediately urges us to hold our breath. We put a spoonful of food in the mouth but if it is spoilt, we spits it out instantaneously. Its Deepavali time and a young boy is bursting a loud sounding cracker, we are quick to close our ears. If a thorn pricks us, we immediately withdraw our leg. Our natural sense of protection is very high when it comes to our gross senses, isn’t it? We choose to smell fragrant things, pleasurable food for the tongue, melodious music for the ears and soft things to touch, but do we have any idea what we choose as food for our mind? I suggest an exercise for you today. Pick up a pen and paper & make two columns-positive & negative. Make a mark for every positive or every negative thought you had in the course of the day. Be your natural self and be honest with yourself. At the end of the day, a look at the paper will reveal what kind of thoughts you are feeding your mind.

In marriage, there is a popular term, its called the seven year itch. The reason is seven years is long enough time for the honeymoon period to wane off, for you to be get your first child and for familiarity to breed in. Radhanath Swami says, ‘In this material world, the more intimate your relationship is, the more you expect that person to be what you want them to be.’ Soon couples find themselves being critical of the other, many times intolerant, judgmental (sometimes of every move or every spoken/unspoken word of the spouse or other family members!), uncaring or demeaning the other’s efforts, cold behavior, blame games, behaving hatefully towards each other (at least in the mind). Accumulating hurt and seeking opportunities to avenge hurt is another engagement of the negative mind. Often our dirty mind coupled with our egoistic inclinations, complicate the situation further. One negative thought normally leads to another, and soon your mind is being bashed with wave after wave of negative thoughts and these accumulated negative thoughts erode the happiness of families and lead them onto a path of destruction.

If you do not do something to stem the tide of negativity running a muck in your mind, it can really hurt the health of your mind, body and your precious relationships. If you genuinely want to rectify this ongoing war-like situation, you have to recognize the problem. To recognize the problem is half the battle won i,e you have to look yourself honestly in the mirror of your heart and see how much of what seems to be the problem has got generated in your ‘mind,’ due to its negative thought pattern and then, accepting or admitting your mind’s role in all of it. Remembering that you are not your mind helps!

For ease of purpose, let me quickly list the various categories of negative thoughts that I found in the medical journal New health partnerships.

 

Overgeneralization. “Always” or “Never” statements – “He never helps me with household work.” “Nobody cares.”

Fortune Telling. Thinking you can predict the future or predict how other people will react. “Only when I die, you will realize my worth.” “My wife’s father is an angry man, so she might have his genes of anger.” 

Focusing on the Negative / Ignoring the Positive. Looking at the bad and not the good. “She didn’t come to my birthday party. She must not like me,” (Ignoring the card she sent.)

Blaming Yourself or Others. “It’s your family’s fault that they didnt teach you good behavior.” “It’s because of my children that I dont have time for myself.” 

All or Nothing. If it’s not a full success, it’s a complete failure. “I wanted to lose 20 pounds and I only lost 10. I just can’t lose weight.”  

Magnifying.“The whole world is against me.” “Self-management would take all my time.” 

Personalizing. If someone’s in a bad mood or something goes wrong, it must be your fault. “Oh, she’s really in a bad mood. What did I say?” 

Many times our negative thought is because of lack of right information. So, before a negative thought occurs, try to evaluate if you have the right & complete information & if you dont have it, seek it. Remember that by jumping to conclusion prematurely, you are harming yourself and creating future stress.

 

One of the magical ways, I’ve found to deal with a negative thought is to nip it in the bud. Its easy to deal with it right at the beginning before it festers into something big & ugly. Right when the first negative thought of the day is coming your way, arrest it and replace it with its positive counterpart. Eg: Replace “oh, a long and stressful day ahead of me.” with “Let me plan this bright and sunny day so that I achieve many things today.” In this way, counter each and every negative thought with a positive one. Voila, at the end of the day, you feel lighter and brighter! A positive framework helps you deal with others better.

 

Throw the negative self-script out of the window and use self-affirmation statements to combat negativity due to low self-esteem. You could write down a statement which counteracts the negative feelings about yourself such as “I am very courageous and can deal with all situations calmly in my life.” and say it to yourself whenever you feel the need. 

Diverting your mind to a better activity is better than suppressing a negative thought as suppressed thoughts are sure to resurface.

 

If there are blocks such as deep hurts that wont let you counter those thoughts, dont give up!  Remind yourself that your mind is tricking you to take shelter in negativity again. So, dont allow your mind to dwell on the hurt or the situation any longer. You have already given it enough time and attention. Move away from your role as a victim. Embrace the art of forgiveness. Realize the true value in forgiving & the changes it can bring in your life. Forgive (in your mind first) and let go of that hurt or still better surrender the hurt to the Lord. Repeat as many times as the thought occurs to you.

 

Finally, go for an early morning walk to freshen your mind and thoughts or join a yoga school or start exercising. Focus on adapting a healthy lifestyle and on getting fitter. Exercise can help you to increase the hormones in your body responsible for happy emotions. You can practice relaxation techniques such as pranayama to release negative thoughts from your mind.

 

In the Bhagavad-Gita, the great archer of all times, Arjuna, is expressing his difficulty in controlling his obstinate mind and Lord Krishna gives him hope by suggesting that by ‘practice’ it is possible. Srila Prabhupada, in the purport to this verse elaborates ‘hearing of the transcendental activities of the Lord is a very powerful transcendental method for purging the mind of all misgivings.’ When we develop a higher taste, the mind naturally detaches itself from all sorts of lower tastes. Let me leave you with this thought, ‘adios!’

– Mrs Preethi Dhiman

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Love without a cause!!

Unconditional Love

Unconditional LoveTears streaming down my face, I just completed the last few words of the classic novel ‘Wuthering Heights’ by Emily Bronte. The book is all about love without any reason, love with intense abandon—just like Heathcliff loved his Catherine. Emily Bronte in this classic book brings out the destructive and obsessive nature of love. What is love? That raging fury of emotions which threatens to burn our insides and tears our heart till it flows out like a river, out of control. In this book we see the power of love that can destroy everything in its path. It is truly a love without a cause, a pain that drives a knife through the heart and makes our stomach churn. Oh! What havoc has this love created in this world—unimaginable pain and suffering! They say love has a brighter side which illuminates and elevates. But where is that to be found in this world? Does it even exist?

Like an animal searching for food for existence the dried up heart searches for this most elusive thing. A person may search for his whole life and still be left bereft of it. There are countless people who have died searching for it. Blessed are those who find this love – everlasting and eternal, that not only liberates one but also enlivens one.

Surely, this is not the love of this world, because the love of this world torments and tortures and breaks our heart as we live. If not, then definitely at death. But still there are fools like us who keep on searching. Oh, when will this search end? Great poets and writers whose lives end tragically realize like Heathcliff that love is beyond this body and one has to look for a love which will transcend everything. Is there really such a love?

Yes, Bhagvad Gita speaks of a love which is eternal. That is the love between the Supreme Lord and the living entity. But how elusive this love is too! You feel that you have almost touched it but then next moment you are miles away. Understanding this divine love is difficult without the causeless mercy of the Lord. Yes, truly this is love without a cause. The lord reciprocates with us causelessly. His love is all encompassing and most compassionate. He like a true lover fulfills our each and every desire and finally when we reach his lotus feet we finally experience that love which we have been searching all our lives.

Radhanath Swami, my spiritual father once told me “Even if the whole world is against you , I will always love you”. And believe me that was the most emotional moment of my life. Such all encompassing compassion, I could see, can come only from a true representative of God. Such is God’s love!! Leaving this spiritual divine love behind how foolish I am that I am searching for this love through mundane relationships of this world!

– Dr. Sandhya Subramanian

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Only One Boss

Who is Boss Husband or Wife

Who is Boss Husband or WifeI wish a good day to all our readers, as I look out of the window and smell the nice fragrance of mud wetted by the rain. It soothes my mind and makes me think. I think about those women and men who are right now, at this moment, stuck in a traffic jam or are packed in stuffy trains and buses or are rushing to reach their offices on time. Oh! What a rush it is in the morning! Isn’t this the case with most cities in the world? And how fortunate am I that I can sit peacefully, sipping tea and enjoying this moment!

Today, men and women are working on par with each other. Gone are the days when women were expected to take care of the homes while the men worked and earned money. Now, women not only work at home, but also rush to work and slog at the office. They return home, again cook in the hot kitchen, and serve dinners to their husbands. And the husbands only work in the office and feel how inefficient the wife is!!! It is a big price we have paid for being such feminists. No doubt we women are very capable, but trying to assert our position as equals has put an added burden on our delicate heads. Now we not only have to work hard to prove ourselves at work, but also have to slog at home; and still we are labeled useless and inefficient by our ‘bosses’—both in office as well as at home.

On the contrary, in the earlier age the women depended on the men to earn and get the daily bread, while they took care of the house and the children. Their roles were well defined and they stuck to it. Because the women were completely dependent on the men, the men were forced to work hard and provide for the family. In turn, the women took care of everything else at home so that the man was always peaceful. Some old- school people will say that in today’s society the roles of husband and wife have been mixed up, and that’s the reason for so many conflicts in married life. If each one stuck to his/her duties and did that perfectly, there won’t be any problems.

So, is it that women who are qualified and intelligent shouldn’t work? Today more and more women are opting for ambitious careers over family life. Lot of compromises is being made at the home front. Maybe that is the need of the hour; to have a good standard of living, both husband and wife have to work. So perhaps role reversals are inevitable in today’s society. But psychologically we see how it affects each party. Husband feels always threatened if the wife is earning more than him and wife feels why she should take all the responsibilities alone. Obviously there will be conflicts and quarrels, as both are trying to take the position of the boss.

Factually, however, there can only be one Boss! Let me explain. In my case, we both are professionals. I am a doctor and he is an engineer. We have tried to stick to our roles. I have cut down on my clinic days to twice a week, that too only when the kids are at school. Rest of the time I am at home, looking into household matters. We cooperate with each other, and when I have to go for some work he is with the children. But above all, what has helped us through all this is spirituality. Our guru Radhanath Swami teaches us with the example of ripples in water. When we throw stones at the same spot in a lake, we see ripples created in the water that never conflict with each other and move harmoniously in concentric circles. Why? Because they have a common centre. And that common centre in our lives should be GOD. If we keep God in the centre of our relationship, there will be minimum conflicts. So, even though in this day and age, both have to work, earn money and have hectic lifestyles, we can strike a balance by following spirituality and accepting only one BOSS at home—and that is God!!!

– Dr. Sandhya Subramanian

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Irreconcilable Differences

Happy marriage

Happy marriageSometimes life makes you take such tough decisions. But as they say, when the going gets tough the tough get going. Marriage is definitely for tough people. To make a marriage last, one should have a tough skin and the ability to switch-on and switch-off one’s ears!! There is a joke about a man who was happily married for about 50 years of his life. His friends asked him the secret of his smiling face. He replied that he was hard of hearing from childhood and so he could switch-off his hearing aid whenever he wanted. That’s a smart man. I wish we women also could do something like that. Anyways, jokes apart, one has to slog to make any marriage work.

In the earlier days, couples would stick together no matter what—even if they had irreconcilable differences. Today, these words—irreconcilable differences—are thrown here and there at the drop of a hat—for freedom! But really, can a marriage be broken just based on these words—irreconcilable differences? I would say the couples in the earlier days were more tolerant than those belonging to today’s jet-set world of technology, where everything is fast or instant—fast cars, instant noodles, fast marriages and instant divorce!

Couples today have no time to resolve any issues in marriage patiently. If this was the case with my parents, I would never have a safe and secure childhood; I wouldn’t get the privileged love of both my mother and father; rather, I would be put in the horrible position of deciding which parent I loved most. I feel that is the most painful thing you could ask a child—“Do you love your mother more or your father more?”

– Dr. Sandhya Subramanian

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