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Gratitude

Gratitude

Gratitude - Radhanath SwamiAttitude of Gratitude: No.1 success factor in a marriage

Gratitude is to seek beyond the immediate circumstances that come upon us, and to actually seek the essence of that situation- Radhanath Swami

Gratitude, is a quality of the heart. Radhanath Swami says, “If we want true progress, we must develop this quality, especially in a husband-wife relationship, for it is one of the most important success factors in a marriage.” Without gratitude, even in the most favorable situation in our marriage, we cannot really progress. When we are ungrateful, even if we have the best companion, we start to complain and blame the other. Without gratitude, you cannot satisfy the heart. Because whatever you get, you feel you deserve better and you want something more. To seek the essence is real wisdom, and the essence of every situation is that we can feel and find a beautiful opportunity to grow—if we are grateful.

The universal principle of all spiritual paths and a very basic principle that Sri Bhagavad Gita teaches us is that we should be grateful for whatever God gives us. Radhanath Swami teaches us how to learn to feel grateful. He says when good things come our way, we should think,”I don’t deserve this, but I am so grateful.” Any little bit of kindness that a person shows us, we should be grateful. Any blessing we receive we should be grateful. And when difficulties, pain, or failures cross our paths, we must learn to be grateful for those as well. For we could learn and we could grow through that invaluable experience. Otherwise, we miss a precious chance. By learning to be grateful, we learn to come closer to our spouse and understand them better. Eventually, with a grateful heart, one can even come closer to God Himself. Thus, by nurturing the quality of Gratitude, we improve the qualities of our own lives & it enables us to overcome the obstacles that keep us from our progress.

– Mrs. Preethi Dhiman

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Everything I do, I do it for You

Everything I do, I do it for You

Everything I do, I do it for YouWe have the tendency to unconsciously overestimate our contributions relative to that of others. It is called “unconscious over claiming.” For example, in one study, when students in a work group each estimated their contribution to the team, the total was 139 percent.

Likewise, in a relationship, if you ask the husband, he will tell you that he is working like a donkey to keep the house together and to provide for his family and that he is doing more than his fair share. If you ask the wife, she will tell you that she is cooking three times a day, taking care of the kids, doing the domestic chores apart from her official work and that she is doing more than normal for her family. Undoubtedly, both of them are putting in their efforts. Are they feeling appreciated enough for their efforts or do they feel overburdened by it? That is the question. Secondly, do they feel their partner is sharing their responsibility equally? If they do feel appreciated & their respective roles enjoyable, it is the ideal situation. However, most couples over time start feeling lack of appreciation and their roles burdensome and might even blame their partners for not sharing their ‘burden.’

Most of the burden that the couples feel is on a mental plane because physically our bodies can take a lot more work load if on the mental level we are not already feeling saturated. Most of the saturation comes from lack of appreciation. When there is no appreciation of each other’s contribution, we feel, ‘mentally overburdened.’ A husband who doesn’t feel appreciated for his contributions will start spending more time outside of home either at work or at a place where he feels appreciated, will slowly wean from his duties on the home front, adding to the ‘mental burden’ of his wife. A wife who feels unappreciated, withdraws or shows her anger all the time, adding to the complexity of the situation and to the ‘mental burden’ of her husband. If the situation persists longer with no effort to rectify it or non-communication, then it either perpetuates into ‘blame games,’ or fights or if the mode of reaction of either of the partner is passive anger, then silence just keeps widening the distance between them.

Breaking this vicious cycle means keeping our egoistic agendas aside and truly helping the other person by understanding and appreciating his or her contributions to the family. It means good amount of mental preparation and making a fresh commitment towards the family.

Sometimes it becomes easy to notice all that our spouse doesn’t do. So, if you struggle with a critical spirit toward your spouse, you must also deal in rooting out your negative quality of criticism. Criticism tears down a marriage, while appreciation builds up a relationship. When we appreciate each other, the other person not only feels good about himself/herself but also feels understood and motivated to do more.

So, if you are caught in this habit of not appreciating your spouse for all the hardwork he/ she puts in to keep the family going together, I suggest that you pick up a pen and paper right now and make a list of things that he/she does everyday that you appreciate but have hardly communicated to the other. Whatever you observe, make sure that you sincerely applaud the action. Sincerity will cause your appreciation to touch the heart and soul of your loved one. Then, link the action to a quality of character. This takes more skill. Some

excellent qualities to consider connecting to actions are:

• Caring
• Compassion
• Confidence
• Cooperation
• Courage
• Creativity
• Enthusiasm
• Flexibility
• Helpfulness
• Honesty
• Patience
• Responsibility
• Thoughtfulness
When you use qualities like these in an acknowledgement, it spreads light into the recipient’s heart, encourages them to be aware of and keep practicing the quality, and creates a positive bond of appreciation or love between you. An example is:

“I appreciate how thoughtful you are in our relationship. Making sure we have breakfast every morning, packing my lunch, and getting back early from office to ensure that the kids do their homework and preparing dinner for the family so as to make our lives together smoother and easier.”

How can I appreciate my spouse? I seem to have long forgotten that art! I feel too embarrassed/ reluctant to start doing something new! Everything seems to be going fine, why bother doing something new? If these are your thoughts, remember: your spouse is ‘the’ most important person in your life and he/she is god’s gift to you so that you have a companion for life and with his/her help you can perfect your life! Probably ‘this’ is your only chance to show how much you appreciate him/her in your life! So, waste no time!

If only we can just appreciate what we have been given, God will reveal Himself to us – Radhanath Swami

– Dr. Sandhya Subramanian

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Great Expectations!

Great Expectations!

Great Expectations!Marriage is a hotbed for hidden, unrealistic expectations. Most men and women have deep-seated ideas about how the other should behave in a picture-perfect marriage. Often these expectations are not fully conscious, nor are they completely acknowledged and communicated between spouses. When one spouse begins violating the expectations of the other, however, an all too familiar negative spiral of disappointment, retaliation, and resentment can ensue.

If we’re completely honest, we all came into our marriages with unrealistic expectations, which eventually took us by surprise. Even though this can be both disappointing and frustrating, we don’t have to continually live that way. We can bring out our deep-seated expectations and communicate it to our partners by doing a simple exercise on clarifying mutual expectation.

Exercise: Clarifying Mutual Expectations*

On a sheet of paper make 4 quadrants and write one of these points in each quadrant.

a. I promise to fulfill your following expectations-100%.

(what I think is the other person’s expectation of me)

b. I will try to fulfill your following expectations, but will not be able to promise.

(what i think is the other person’s expectation that I might not be able to fulfill, but will try)

c. In our relationship, I want these promises from you.

(my need & expectations of the other person that I want him/her to fulfill for sure)

d. In our relationship, I expect my following expectations to be fulfilled by you.

(my need and expectations of the other person that may be difficult for the other person to fulfill,
but I want him/her to know and to try to fulfill)

Take about 20 minutes to think and pen down what you value the most to be followed in your marriage, in each of the quadrants. After both of you have completed, exchange the sheets or compare the sheets to find out the other person’s expectations and commitments while you communicate your own commitment and expectations.

You will benefit most when you have the intention of understanding the other person’s expectations and fulfilling it to give happiness to the other person rather than waiting on the other person to fulfill his/her expectation. When all is said and done.

However, you know what–we are likely to be unhappy even when our expectations ARE met! Let me explain. We are most grateful for the good things that come our way that we did not expect to happen. For instance, if you expect your partner to help you with the housework, you will be disappointed, mad, sad, or angry when your partner does not help you with the housework, but you won’t necessarily be grateful when your partner does help with the housework. Depending on your history together, you may be

• Pleased – “I’m glad we’re doing this together.”
• Surprised – “I can’t believe you actually mopped the floor!”
• Justified – “I do my share and you need to do your share.”
• Vindicated – “It’s about time you started pulling your weight!”

Unhappiness is trading what we want MOST for what we want NOW. We want whatever makes us uncomfortable – our anxieties, our insecurities, our challenges – we want that discomfort to go away RIGHT NOW. But deep down, what we want most is to be – more loving, more forgiving, more compassionate, and more grateful. Understand this carefully as this is our secret need and what we generally do is to expect people around us to create space for us to exhibit them and when we do not find opportunities to be more loving, more forgiving, more compassionate or more grateful,

When you are dead tired at the end of the day, and you walk in to find your partner cleaning the kitchen, or putting the kids to bed when you expected her to be home late – that’s when you feel truly grateful – because you were not expecting the help! When we
are truly grateful for something, we cannot help but feel happiness. This is the recipe to a happy married life!

Dennis Prager says it best:
Gratitude is the key to happiness and anything that undermines gratitude must undermine happiness. And nothing undermines gratitude as much as expectations. The more expectations you have, the less gratitude you will have. Expectations and gratitude are opposite sides of the same coin.

Here is another secret–Whatever you focus on, grows. Grow your happiness by lowering your expectations and growing your gratefulness.

The highest secret mantra is revealed by Radhanath Swami. He says that we can lower our expectation by cultivating humility. If we are proud, we feel that we deserve so many good things from others. If we are actually humble, we are grateful for whatever happens and for whatever that comes. He reiterates that when we expect something, then even if we get it, we are not really happy; at the most we experience some flickering pleasure in our mind and senses. But if we feel that we don’t deserve it, and then when we get it, we are grateful and gratitude is real happiness; gratitude is the happiness of the heart.

*Source: Oasis Self-Leadership Education for Community Development

– Mrs. Preethi Dhiman

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Believe in Yourself – No matter what He says!

Believe in Yourself- No matter what He says!

Believe in Yourself- No matter what He says!Most women face this day-in and day-out in their roles as house wives, mothers and daughter- in- laws: being placed under a microscope 24/7; observed, corrected, judged, and sometimes ridiculed. It is too much for one person to take. But somehow it becomes a part of your job as a wife, mother and daughter-in-law all rolled into one. And the people whom we are trained to please from our very childhood are our dear husbands, our in-laws (more difficult than qualifying for Guinness Records) and sometimes even our kids.

Somewhere along the way, catering to everyone’s needs, wants and desires, your own needs and desires take a back seat. Along with all that we are tagged with labels such as “ she is no good”, “ she is too slow in her work”, “ her cooking is not up to the mark”, or simply “ why can’t she be on time”! Especially “HE” is someone who is the hardest to please. However much you bend backwards to serve him, he finds newer and newer disqualifications. So much so that after some time we start thinking maybe he is right….. “ there is nothing Great about me. Basically, I am a no-good wife, mother and daughter in law.” But No! That’s where we go wrong. We believe others more than we believe in ourselves.

As a woman you have to live up to and cater to the expectations of so many people in your life and that can get too much to take sometimes. And you cannot please everyone. By now you must have realized this plain and simple fact. It all boils down to attitude. Successful housewives are those who have a completely chilled out attitude towards life, where they don’t let anything bog them down. A woman with an attitude will never let the bickering from her husband get to her. I know of one such person, my friend’s mother. I would visit her regularly and one common feature I would see was her husband go on and on about how inefficient she was. He would find faults with her from the moment she woke up in the morning. “Tea has so less sugar”, “where my breakfast ”,“ why is the shirt not ironed” and “you always make me late to work” etc. For me, if someone went on and on like that it would get to my nerves in a jiffy and produce a really unpleasant reaction. But I would see this woman, how patiently she would smile and say “Oh how foolish of me, I will just make it right” and she would actually smile through the whole thing. What an amazing level of tolerance. Anyone would think, “She is so backward. She cannot even stand for herself.” But over the years I have seen how her attitude of always seeing the good and not getting bogged down by all the criticism aimed at her has always kept her in good spirits. More than that, she gradually earned the respect of her husband, who stopped criticizing her in due course of time. And today he does not take one decision without first consulting her and has so much regard for her.

If we analyze the whole thing, we realize that she was not affected by all the criticism as she believed in her capabilities and did not let HIS words affect her self esteem. She had enough self respect to never react or get angry with her husband. And eventually she got him to behave himself! Now that’s what I call a Lady who believes in herself!

– Dr. Sandhya Subramanian

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With great power comes great responsibility!

With great power comes great responsibility!

Great-Power-and-great-ResponsibilityThe Vedic Scriptures declare that a woman must be under the shelter of her father before marriage and her husband after marriage. A woman can vouch for it more than anybody else. Because, she needs to feel secure, she needs to feel cared! What does it translate to for the husband?

If you are like the boss who expects his employee to perform exceeding his expectation but tries to keep his employee’s demands at bay; i.e., if you are unconsciously preoccupied trying to keep your wife’s demands at bay rather than being totally committed to meeting her needs, regardless of the cost, you will only end up with a frustrated wife.

Rather, if you were like a sensitive, caring employer and you walked up to your employee and said, “You know, I’ve really been thinking about you lately. I wonder if there is anything I can provide for you to make your job more enjoyable. Also, am I paying you enough?” That would be any employee’s dream. Well, every woman’s dream is to have a husband who will manifest the same attitude.

‘Love’ and ‘care’ are action oriented verbs. So, you need to make deposits in that love bank to withdraw ‘love’ and ‘care’ from it. But are you one of those husbands who even today are in the dark as to what it takes to care for your wife in the right way? Don’t worry, your worries are no more!

Well, the secret is in satisfying her emotional need! When the emotional need of the woman is met, she feels loved and cared for in a relationship and is the happiest person around, but when it is not met, to put it mildly, she is a fireball! But what really is this emotional need of a woman? Emotional needs are different for different people. For one, it could be the daily 15 minute help in the kitchen during the rush hour, for another it could be help in maintaining a ‘tidy’ house, fulfilling a family commitment for another, admiration or affection for some, doing something together (domestic or recreational) for another. It could be one or more of these.

However, every woman I know of wants an intimate space from her husband for a heart-to-heart talk at the end of the day. A woman has the basic need to express her feelings and emotions (sometimes pent up!) and she has the need to talk about it to someone who can listen with an open mind, without trying to offer solutions. A woman experiences fulfillment through sharing and relating. A husband who realizes this fact can make room in his life to allow his wife to be expressive while he can be a good ‘listener.’ Do you know that the most common complaint of women world-over is that their husbands don’t listen? You can also develop a deeper bond with your wife if you open up to her with your own emotions and feelings. Many men have a hard time ‘opening up’ to women but note that this is an important part of a woman’s need, i.e., to feel that the two of you have a deep emotional connection.

When this emotional connection is established, you see magic happen! Your wife will feel secure and deeply satisfied in your marriage and what’s more you will have your wife always on your side, eager to serve you and care for you! You will be pleasantly surprised by how well your wife responds to her new atmosphere of security.

But a man often fears what his wife will do when he makes himself totally available to meet her needs. Let me tell you—that is the last thing to fear. You simply cannot imagine what a woman will do for her man if he will envelope her in an atmosphere of total security by laying down his selfish ways to meet her needs. Simply because you have become humble and have committed yourself to meeting your wife’s needs doesn’t mean you lose your authority or manhood. True and lasting authority is built, not broken, upon the foundation of sacrificial servanthood. It is true leadership by example.

Now, did I now give you the hard task of identifying your wife’s unique emotional need? Hmm, its pretty simple to find out. Just ask her with a genuine concern and she will detail it out for you but once you have made a commitment to her, stand by it! A woman can discern instinctively if her husband truly is caring for her.

Whenever Radhanath Swami solemnizes marriage, he always maintains that the primary duty of the husband is to protect his wife throughout her life, to protect her physically by providing the comforts and needs and to protect her emotionally by giving her appreciation and showing his genuine concern for her welfare in all aspects of her life and to spiritually protect her by giving all facilities to her for her own spiritual progress & being a good example himself.

I hope that you are able to find some cues herein on your journey of togetherness and that the journey becomes sweeter. In case you want me to elaborate on anything specific, please feel free to leave a note in reply. Take care!

– Mrs. Preethi Dhiman

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Marriage is like walking on egg shells!!!

Marriage is like walking on egg shells!!!Have you ever felt that you are treading on egg shells in your married life? That is, when you feel that you never know when your husband or wife can yell or express disappointment at your behavior, or when you can never understand what reaction to expect. It can be very, very difficult. I know of one couple who always have a misunderstanding or an argument at the end of every sentence. It might seem like an exaggeration but it’s true. In fact, this is quite common and can happen to the best of couples.

What is the solution for this problem? It all boils down to good communication skills. Communication skills are most important for maintaining good relations with your spouse. For ex., how do you respond to your partner when you disagree with what he/she has told you? What if your spouse does something that you don’t like? Do you yell? Give them the silent treatment? Or find ways to punish your spouse?

The response we offer when we disagree or when we are frustrated can have a big impact on the relationship. Recognizing our typical patterns is the first step in deciding how we are impacting the relationship. Think of the last few disagreements and look at how you responded. Examine what you were hoping would happen as result of your behaviors. For example, did you give the silent treatment for a day in hopes that your spouse “would learn their lesson?” If so, did it work?

Keeping the communication channels open always is most important in a marriage. Mostly, out of frustration people tend to complain, criticize or compare with others which lead to further problems. So instead of complaining or criticizing one should express one’s need in a positive and direct way. For example, a wife who wants more help around the house says, “I always have to do everything around here and no one else lifts a finger.” This is not likely to motivate her husband to spring into action and help her clean. However, she could make a direct request such as, “could you please do the dishes tonight?”

Communication that involves attacking your partner will not yield positive results. Instead, it is likely to create more problems for the relationship. Attacking your partner verbally may include obvious forms such as name calling, or it may include more subtle forms in an attempt to manipulate your partner.

Name calling is never productive. Avoid the “you” messages that blame the other person. Statements such as “you never do what I want to do,” are not likely to be helpful. Instead, “I” statements such as “I feel hurt that we don’t ever get to visit my mother together” are more likely to lead to an open and honest discussion. “I” statements do not place blame but instead describe a feeling and can lead to a discussion that helps solve a problem.

So in this way, we see that marriage need not be a battle of words, but a comfortable relationship in which two individuals can express themselves with respect for each others views and desires.

Radhanath Swami says, “a couple may have a beautiful house, nice car, so many servants, so much jewelry and furniture and fame and power within society but if the person’s affectionate relationship with his or her spouse is not proper then that person will be miserable no matter what. Everyone does have arguments and misunderstanding; even children do. But these big children are more foolish than little children. Little children fight and make up when offered some sweet, but when elders fight, they may never be able to trust each other for the rest of their lives!!!”

– Dr. Sandhya Subramanian

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Dealing with the male ego

Dealing with the male egoWith downcast eyes, Geeta confided, “I have a hard time respecting my husband. I want to be obedient to God’s command, but I don’t want to be dishonest to my feelings.”

Radhanath Swami says, “It’s not so difficult to be respectful, to be caring, or to be forgiving, but the mind makes it appear that way.” The solution is in putting our intelligence to use: understand that what we are resisting against is the actual path of dharma. Then it becomes easy to surrender our ego to the Lord. We can thus overcome the lower nature of the mind and the senses, and we can do the right thing. A wife’s dharma is to be respectful towards her husband. But many a times, our endeavor and life’s mission is to change the husband! Isn’t it? Expecting my husband to understand me, to appreciate me, and to give me few minutes of undivided attention, many a time I’ve fallen trap to what I call a vicious circle: unfulfilled expectation, anger and resentment, harsh words inadvertently provoking the husband’s anger and the battle begins! What seems like an innocent beginning ends disastrously. I learnt the hard way that this is what happens when I take shelter of my mind instead of my dharma (duty).

A wise woman once told me, “If you want a truly fine husband, respect him at the level at which you want him to reach.” Strong evidences indicate that a woman holds great power to make or break a man.
In his book His Needs, Her Needs, Willard Harley amends the saying, “Behind every great man is a great woman” to “Behind every great man is an admiring wife.”
A man usually likes to be respected. That’s the male ego and when he doesn’t get it, often times he becomes frustrated or violent and there arises a domestic problem. But when his wife gives him due respect, something wonderful happens. He thrives and grows toward godliness. When his need to be respected is fulfilled, something more amazing happens, something that every wife ever craves for! He tries to fulfil all the needs of his wife, lovingly. I’ve known a couple who seem to be perfectly leading their married life even after many years of marriage – no fights but cooperation, harmonious dealings and very much happy to be with each other! I kept wondering the secret of their success and bingo, one day it dawned upon me when I was intimately speaking with the wife. She was very respectful whenever she spoke about her husband and in her day-to-day life, was careful to fulfil his minute needs as well, even at the expense of bearing personal inconveniences. For that matter, I’ve never seen her speak disrespectfully about her husband, even to her closest friends or family members. Mahabharath narrates of Queen Draupadi advising Queen Sathyabama on how to please ones husband. She concludes that the behaviour of a wife based upon regard for the husband is the eternal virtue for women.

Of course, the husband has his part to play. The Manu-Samhita (the laws of all social classes of Hinduism) declares that it is the duty of the husband to satisfy the wife by riches, clothes, love, respect and pleasing words. The husband should never do anything displeasing to her. In Srimad Bhagavatam we see that Lord Krishna Himself was acting even as a hen-pecked husband, just for the pleasure of his surrendered wives. He even fought with the demigods to get the parijata flower and hence please his wife.

I’m including a self-help kit (Appendix 1) which I borrowed from a Christian missionary organization helping people discover Jesus. It gives practical step by step tips for wives, so it can be a useful instrument. And for those who want to raise their benchmark, there is more about Queen Draupadi’s advice to Queen Sathyabama at Appendix 2. Read on and happy respecting!

Appendix 1: 10 Steps Towards Respecting Your Husband

1. Pray for him daily and trust the Lord to answer your requests.
a. Pray for his well-being, wisdom, protection, blessings, guidance, knowledge, spiritual maturity, success, purity, strength in temptation, etc.
b. Look for God’s answers to your prayers.
c. Thank God for working on your family.
d. Thank God for your husband.
e. Pray for your attitude.
2. Remember that the Lord has put your husband in a position of leadership, and He will lead you through your husband.
3. Make a list of your husband’s qualities that you appreciate. Review and add to your list regularly.
4. Tell your husband what you appreciate about him. Tell others what you appreciate about him.
5. Don’t criticize your husband to others – especially to your children.
6. Look for the positive side of things that you may find irritating. If you find it boring when he spends time telling you about his bad day, remember that at least he is talking to you, spending time with you, sharing his concerns with you, bringing you into his confidence, and giving you the chance to be an encourager and helper.
7. Respond to his requests with enthusiasm.
8. If you are concerned about a decision your husband has made, ask him the following:
a. “I’m confused about _________. Can you explain it to me?”
b. “Can we talk about _____? I feel uncomfortable about ______.”
c. Don’t ask: “WHY in the world would you do it that way?” or ask “Why?” in any way that implies you think he is foolish.
9. Respect his likes and dislikes.
10. If you find yourself thinking negative thoughts about your husband, stop and choose to think of something else – especially things from your positive quality list. (or refer to my previous blog article)

Remember, God is working on you and your husband. You can both learn from your failures as well as your successes. Give God the freedom to teach your husband through failure. In the same way, give God the freedom to teach you to trust Him through your husband’s failure.

Appendix 2: Excerpts from Queen Draupadi’s advice to Sathyabama-

“…Keeping aside vanity and controlling desire and anger, I always serve with devotion my husbands and their other wives. I wait upon them with a deep devotion of the heart, by restraining jealousy and relinquishing any sense of degradation or humiliation that may arise due to the services I perform. I never use angry or fretful speech and I never imitate wicked women. I always do what is agreeable to them and I am never idle.” “I always discharge without idleness of any kind those duties my mother-in-law imparted to me. My husbands have become obedient to me because of my diligence, alacrity, and humility with which I serve superiors. Every day, I personally wait upon the revered and truthful Kunti, that mother of heroes, with food, drink and clothes. I never show any preference for myself over her in matters of food and dress. And I never verbally reprove her. I never speak ill about my mother-in-law.” “Such behaviour, which is based upon regard for the husband, is the eternal virtue for women.” “I used to serve the Kuru princes day and night, bearing hunger and thirst so that my nights and days were the same to me. I used to be the first to wake up and the last to go to bed. This, O Satyabhama, is the charm that has made my husbands obedient to me.”

– Mrs. Preethi Dhiman

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