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Did he intend that?

Did he intend that

Did he intend thatWhen I am hurt by my husband’s words, more often than not, I tend to blame him for being insensitive. As I am preoccupied with my own hurt , I leave no effort undone to make it very apparent that ‘he HURT me.’ If our conversation proceeds further and I see that he does not care to respond to my feelings and is more interested in defending his own stance, I’m more and more aggravated and I drive myself to feel more and more pained.

As I was contemplating on how I could resolve this situation occurring and recurring in the lives of many-a- well-meaning couples, I chanced upon the book ‘Difficult Conversations’ by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton and Sheila Heen. As I read the title of the third chapter, a new realization dawned upon me. It said ‘dont assume they meant it.’ The authors say that mostly ‘we assume what the other person’s intentions are, when in fact, we aren’t aware of it! Other people’s intentions exist only in their hearts or minds’.

Why then do we feel hurt when we don’t even know their intention? It is because of the impact of those words or action on us that we tend to assume their intentions as wrong. Eg: on a busy day, when someone makes us wait and he turns up late, we don’t think that ‘he could have run into someone more needy,’ but we think, ‘as usual, he’s taking me for granted.’

What’s ironic is that though we tend to attribute bad intentions to others, we’re more charitable towards ourselves eg: when your husband forgets to pay the electricity bill, he’s irresponsible, but when you forget to lock the main door, you’re overworked & stressed. Just see how we’re able to easily forgive ourselves or rationalize our intention because it is we who know our intentions the best. Similarly, when your husband criticizes your words, you feel he’s putting you down but when you offer him a suggestion, you’re trying to be helpful.

The reason why we can easily forgive ourselves too is because we know that we don’t intend to annoy, offend or hurt someone intentionally. We’re sometimes so caught up in our own act that we’re grossly unaware of the negative impact that our words or action has on someone else. What is most interesting, according to experts, is that it is a rare phenomena to have people with grossly bad intentions in our lives, rarer than we imagine!!

Doesn’t that bring some solace to you! It gives you a chance to look upon your family members as people who love you, who have the best interest for you or at least do not mean to hurt you intentionally. When our vision of people around us change, we start seeing them more positively, the impact of their words and actions on us too change for the better.

Going back to the question of resolving the situation of word/action-> hurt-> blame -> more hurt -> more blame, is to bring it to an objective platform. You bring the situation to an objective platform when you separate the hurt from the intention and then clarify intentions without judging them.

Examples of some clarifications when we react and judge are-

  • Why do you always belittle my efforts?
  • Aren’t you trying to manipulate me?
  • You say these words purposefully to hurt me!

How could we bring in more objectivity into the above 3 examples?

  1. When you say ‘I don’t think you will be able to do it…,’ I feel belittled. What do you actually mean when you say that?
  2. I feel I am being manipulated in the current situation. Can you let me know what you intended when you asked me to speak in favour of you.
  3. You said ‘why bother!’ When you use such words I get hurt. Please tell me what you intended?

Can you see the difference of using our words carefully? How we speak to others evoke similar responses. We might think we’re simply expressing our hurt and might expect the other person to understand and probably apologize to us, but what we’re doing is to inadvertently put them on a defence. Any person will try to defend a false accusation. But when we separate our hurt from their intention and state our hurt and then objectively seek to know their real intention, we’re creating a healthy environment of discussion. Otherwise, if we mix up our hurt sentiments/feelings with their intention, we’re merely provoking them or maligning their character and your words will be farfetched from one who is looking for solace. Such conversations lead to no apology or understanding or a changed situation except a bigger misunderstanding.

Let’s learn how to separate our hurt from their intention in 3 easy steps-

  1. Note what the other person has said or done
  2. What was the impact of this on you
  3. Based on this impact, what assumptions are you making about the other person’s intentions

When we’re on the other side of receiving the blame, we can disarm an explosive situation by first listening to the other person’s feelings and later reflecting on your intention. Usually we fail to listen past the accusation. Accusations especially false ones, really tick us off but let us always remember that accusations about our bad intentions are always because of two reasons-

  1. We really had bad intention or some mixed intention (ulterior motive)
  2. The other person is hurt or frustrated

A constructive conversation when you receive blame is when you start by listening to and acknowledging the feelings and then return to the question of intentions. We can also take up this opportunity to purify our intentions.

Radhanath Swami emphasizes on purifying our intentions- ‘God sees not only our bodies, but he sees our desires, motivations, intentions, and he is only pleased when there is love. If we do not have love in our hearts, God sees, but he is not pleased to see us. Shelter comes when the Lord is pleased with our intention and spirit of service.’

When our intentions are pure, it reflects in our words and actions too!

– Mrs. Preethi Dhiman

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Death, the ultimate teacher!

Death the ultimate teacher

Death the ultimate teacherThe dictionary meaning of death is ‘the permanent end of anything.’ So when we feel we are going to die, it is such a fearful state and many a times we feel that all others may die except me. Or, most of the times we just shy away from the very thought. People fear death because they do not know what will be after death. Fear is due to ignorance. We feel, but we cannot understand; we fear but we do not know. In darkness there is great fear; in light everything is clear. Krishna explains in the Gita that this knowledge is like the light that reveals everything in truth. Krishna is dispelling all fear of death which is the ultimate fear of this whole creation and if we hear it (Bhagavad Gita from Krishna) submissively we can overcome the principle of death. Krishna is revealing that transcendental wisdom, which brings us beyond death. He awakens us to that eternally blissful, joyful state of eternal consciousness. He explains that the soul, who is the real person, who lives within the temporary residence of this material body is a part of Him and it is the soul, the conscious person that is the enjoyer and the sufferer. The body is just a place, a field where we either enjoy or suffer.

Radhanath swami has beautifully explained in his teachings- “Each moment of life is infinitely precious, if we utilize it for the purpose that lord Krishna has given. “ayur harati vai pumsam” Srimad Bhagavatam describes the nature of time in this way. That with every rise and every setting of the sun, we are one day closer to death. Time is such an inconceivable energy of god. You cannot see, touch, taste, or hear it. It is so subtle and invisible but yet at every moment it is destroying everything. The highest of the highest of the Himalayan Mountain, time will make it into  little piles of dust. It will burnout the sun, will evaporate every ocean and will devastate the physical lives of every living being right from Brahma down to the little insects.”

Radhanath Swami in his book ‘The Journey Home’ explains how he once saw a hawk taking a large fish to the abode of death. In his own words he says,“The unsuspecting fish, who knew nothing but a life in the river, went about its routine like any other day, but in an instant was ripped out of its reality to meet with death. Like that fish, we routinely live our lives hardly aware that, at the least expected moment, the yellow-eyed hawk of fate in the form of crises, tragedy or even death, may wrench us out of our comfortable environment. We regularly hear of it in the news or see it around us but rarely take seriously that it could happen to us. Perhaps the lesson here is to guard against complacency and give a higher priority to our spiritual needs. If the fish swam deeper, the hawk would not be able to reach it. Similarly, if we go deeper into our connection to God, we will find an inner reality so deep and satisfying that it lifts the consciousness to a place where we could deal with the effects of unforeseeable fate with a stable, detached mind.”

Spiritualists know that the ultimate aim of their spiritual practice is to meet such fateful death gracefully and in spiritual consciousness. Such spiritual consciousness cannot be gained until we use our lifetime in practice. The most merciful lord grants us unlimited practice opportunities and awaits our win. One such real practice opportunity is our relationship with others, especially our spouse, children, parents, in-laws, relatives, friends, etc. As we deepen our spiritual practice, we realize that we cannot make spiritual progress without deepening our affection and love for others and ultimately can see the Lord in every living entity. It means our constant endeavor has to be a sure win over our hatred, anger, envy, lust, pride and madness. Until perfection is reached, we can train our minds in such a manner to ward off all negative feelings brought about by our restless mind.

One way to train the mind when it presents us with a negative thought which we want to unmindfully & immediately embrace is to develop a watchful attitude and seek if the thought helps you in your spiritual progress or is detrimental to it. All we have to do in the beginning of our training is to simply be able to recognize that a thought is detrimental to our progress. Then, slowly over time we can train our mind to reject the negative thought. Our mind wants some thought to latch onto, it does not care if it is a positive thought or a negative one. So, when we reject a negative thought, mind hatches a plot to bring that thought right back in. In this situation, we can feed our restless mind with a positive thought. This exercise might seem extremely difficult and painful in the beginning but with constant practice, it becomes a possibility and when you eventually start relishing the nectarean taste of positive thoughts, it becomes your second nature. Then, you have a well trained mind.

The same is applicable in every relationship aspect as well. Every time there is some friction or argument or judging propensity or hurt ego condition, please remember that it is a practice opportunity for us presented by the most merciful Lord and when we come in contact with such negative situations, we have the possibility of not getting swayed by it. Simply recognize the state of mind as detrimental to our spiritual progress and take heed to start seeking positive qualities of the other person. It is possible to count the positive aspects of the other person(who has hurt you or has engaged you in an argument etc) even in the middle of a heated situation but for this to happen, we have to have a single minded focus on our ultimate goal in life and not endeavor to find a comfort zone for our hurt false ego. When we have our eyes firmly set on the goal, only then can we reach the goal. With constant training, it becomes very easy for one who has a trained mind to get over such frivolities and refocus on the essence. If we don’t prioritize in training our minds from this moment on, other differing priorities will take over and in the end, when we are face to face with death and have not enough time to go back and do it all over again in the right manner, all we are left with is a deep regret or unmanageable bewildering thoughts!

Death can come anytime my friends, let us gear ourselves to welcome it with grace.

– Mrs. Preethi Dhiman

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Hands are for loving!!

Hands are for loving

Hands are for lovingIn India, one in five women faces domestic violence from their husbands. (as `published by Jagori, an institution for protection of women against domestic violence). The abused woman suffer at a gross physical level where she is attacked with weapons, beaten, kicked, slapped or might be subjected to sexual abuse and at a more subtle level, the woman suffers emotional injury from threats, attempts to invalidate her, belittle her, humiliate her either in public or in private. Sometimes there is economic abuse too where she is forced to ask for more money from parents/relatives or taking her money away forcibly and creating thereby financial dependence. These are published statistics; the unpublished statistics probably have a more shocking story to narrate. Mostly this suffering is in silence, inside the four walls and hardly a third person is aware of the level of emotional turbulence a woman undergoes.

Why does a man have to resort to abuse? Abuse of his beloved wife and sometimes children and other family members? Researchers have found that men who abuse often:

  • Use violence and emotional abuse to control their wife.
  • Believe that they have the right to behave in whatever way they choose while in their own home.
  • A man who thinks that he is entitled to dominate family members, and that it is okay to solve problems with violence, may not believe that he needs help.
  • Think that a ‘real’ man should be tough, powerful and the head of the household. They may believe that they should make most of the decisions.
  • The causes of domestic violence include deeply held beliefs about masculinity. For eg: the idea of what it means to be a man, for many men, includes silence and strength. A man may avoid seeking help because he doesn’t want to look ‘weak’ or feminine. Therefore, there is continued abuse.
  • Believe that men are entitled to sex from their partners.
  • Don’t take responsibility for their behavior and prefer to blame the victim for ‘provoking’ his behavior.
  • Make excuses for their violence: for example, they will blame alcohol or stress.
  • Report ‘losing control’ when angry around their wife, but can control their anger around other people. They don’t tend to use violence in other situations: for example, around friends, bosses, work colleagues or the police.
  • Try to minimize, blame others for, justify or deny their use of violence, or the impact of their violence towards women.
  • He may be charming and pleasant between his acts of violence. Outsiders may view him as a nice guy.

 

Abuse of the wife is largely an issue of power and control. The abuser begins using violence as an effective method for gaining and keeping his control over someone else. He continues the abuse and battering for the same reasons. It is sad to say but the abuser usually does not suffer any adverse consequences because of his misbehavior. However, it causes a huge dent in the self-confidence and thereby reciprocative love of your wife might diminish replacing it with fear and terror of the husband. A responsible husband can take steps of correction before much damage is caused and take steps to restore harmony and peace in his family life.

Let’s try to dispel some of the myths around man’s thinking-

  • Myth #1: Within your family, it’s OK to “let it all hang out” – to be as emotional as you want, and say things you’d never say to a friend or a boss.
  • •Whether you’re abusive or not, (or even upset), you’re still responsible for and accountable for everything you say and do. Moreover, the hurtful, mean and outrageous things you say will be remembered by your spouse or the other family members who hear them and it affects them in more deeper ways than you can imagine. Remember, words hurled at someone cannot be retrieved just like an arrow once it is released from the bow.

 

• Myth #2: An outbreak of temper just happens, you can’t control it.

You always have a choice about your behavior and how you express yourself. Masculinity is about having total self-control by overcoming your lower senses & thereby commanding respect and not demanding respect by trying to control your wife by means of abusing her. If you’ve developed an abusive habit, or never learned to control your temper, you may need to work on yourself and learn to behave differently.

 

• Myth #3: My wife makes me do it. She provokes me by her unintelligent behavior.

No one else is responsible for your behavior. You are 100% accountable for every word that you speak. Nor are you responsible for anyone else’s words or actions. You can always choose to speak calmly or resolve the matter through discussion in a more mature and acceptable way.

 

• Myth #4: Any time we get angry, it’s natural to argue and yell.

Arguing, and shouting is not the only way to express your anger. It’s just the most dramatic way. As a matter of fact, it’s the least effective way to reach a solution for whatever is making you angry.

 

• Myth #5: It’s a family trait – everyone in my family yells.

Yelling, temper tantrums and arguing may be common in your original family, but it’s not genetic, inherited, or inevitable. It’s still a learned behavior, and it’s a dysfunctional family trait. It’s a habit, and you can overcome it for the benefit of your spouse and children and peace in the family.

 

• Myth #6: It’s OK to yell, shout, curse, throw things and hit walls as long as I don’t hit a person.

These raging behaviors are classified as emotional abuse, which is just as damaging to family’s peace as physical abuse. Emotional abuse over a long period of time causes a lasting and permanent damage not only in your relationship and family peace but will cause irreparable damage in the psycho-emotional health of your spouse.

The vedic scriptures entitle a man to be the head of the family but with such a position comes huge responsibility too. It is a selfish man who wants the position but not the responsibility. Grihasta ashram or family life is about responsibility otherwise it is grihamedhi ashram  (non-compliant with the vedic principles i,e a sense gratificator).

Recognizing the true responsibility as a husband is the first step in resolving the matter.   It definitely needs great strength and inner conviction on part of the man to accept the problem. Viewing the reality from a spiritual perspective (tattva-vichara) also will help tremendously. The man is encouraged to examine his motivations for the violence and make deep deliberations as to the real cause. Practical strategies include:

  • Learning that violence and abuse is not caused by anger, but the desire to hurt or dominate others
  • Learning how violent behavior damages his relationship with his partner and children, and how he can behave in more respectful ways
  • Self-talk – the man is taught how to recognize individual signs of anger, and how to use strategies like self-talk. A man can use self-talk messages, such as ‘Anger will not solve this problem’ to remind himself to remain calm. A trained counsellor can help a man find his own effective self-talk messages.
  • Time out means walking away from the situation until the man feels calmer. Time out must be discussed with the man’s partner so that both parties understand how and why to use it. However, time out is not an avoidance technique and the man must try and work out the problem at a later opportunity.

 

Radhanath Swami says it is the husband’s duty to protect the wife through all different trials and tribulations, protecting her body by providing the basic needs even if it is in a simple way, protecting her emotional condition by providing her encouragement and affection, and by protecting her soul, especially by guiding her on the spiritual path by words and example. Radhanath Swami goes on to say, “If you are a spiritual seeker and if you unnecessarily mistreat your wife, it is an aparadh or an offense which will create a great problem in your spiritual life. The wife does not belong to you, she belongs to God. The Spiritual Master and the Lord are entrusting your wife under your care and how you treat your wife is how your treat the Lord. You primary duty in Grihasta life is to show great respect for your wife.”

There are similar responsibilities that he speaks of for a wife, but we can discuss them in a separate article.

– Mrs. Preethi Dhiman

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The greatest enemy of all

The greatest enemy of all

The greatest enemy of allThe recent incident where the modesty of a Delhi girl was brutally outraged has drawn lot of public attention not only in the nation but also globally. Many are crying hoarse that the judicial system metes out severe punishment to the rapists. It has become yet another issue which ‘somebody out there’ is responsible for and ‘some others’ will fight to resolve while we will sit in the cozy comforts of our house and become spectators of the ongoing volley of words and at best exchange sympathetic comments.

Do we want to be mere spectators or is there some learning that we can draw from this shocking incident and apply in our own lives and thereby change the world a little bit, for the better? We can probably use this opportunity to introspect and clean our own houses!

When a woman who had committed adultery was being stoned, Jesus Christ said ‘He that is without sin among you, let him first cast the first stone at her’ and one by one everyone dropped their stones. Likewise, the very fact that we live in this material world shows that all of us are sinners to some degree or the other. Such lustful propensities lie deep within us. The Bhagavad Gita claims that this ‘Lust’ is the greatest enemy of the living entity and it covers the living entity by different degrees. It is said that this lust is never satisfied and the more you feed it, the more it burns like fire.

Vedic scriptures call this material world as maithunya-āgāra or the shackles of sex life. While one enjoys sense gratification, it may be that there is some feeling of happiness, but actually that so-called feeling of happiness is the ultimate enemy of the sense enjoyer as it keeps him tied down to this miserable material existence birth after birth.

Radhanath Swami answers the question as to what the truth is? He reiterates that our true identity is that we’re eternal souls. We’re stranded like strangers in a foreign land. For the eternal souls to try to be happy with the cheap thrills with the temporary pleasures of this material existence is really an embarrassment, he says. But sometimes when a person is so intoxicated and consumed, he puts himself to do things that are so humiliating and embarrassing that he does not even know that he’s doing it. That’s the deluding potency of the material energy or maya. So, how do we get out of the shackles of this material energy? Radhanath Swami gives a simple answer. He says, all we have to do to get out of it is to choose to ‘get out of it.’

When a living entity comes in contact with the material creation, his eternal love for the Lord is transformed into lust. Service attitude is transformed into the propensity for sense enjoyment. Designations and attachments are due to our lust and desire, our wanting to lord it over the material nature. In the Bhagavad Gita, Lord Krishna tells us that the senses, the mind and the intelligence are the sitting places of this lust. Through them lust covers the real knowledge of the living entity and bewilders him. Cure is also given by Lord Krishna in the Gita, He says, ‘In the very beginning curb this great symbol of sin [lust] by regulating the senses, and slay this destroyer of knowledge and self-realization.’

To bring about clarity of understanding, Radhanath Swami narrates a parallel from our scriptures how the Supreme Lord showed how this all devouring sinful enemy can be conquered through the example of lust personified Ravana.

Goddess of Fortune, Sita devi is the wife of Lord Rama and she is eternally in loving service of Lord Rama but Ravana wanted to take Sita for himself. This is called kama or lust. In Caitanya Caritamrita, a holy scripture of the Lord in which the author Krishnadas Kaviraj Goswami describes love as the natural inclination of the soul wanting to give pleasure to God. But when that natural affection for God is misplaced, we are trying to enjoy the property of God for our own selfish desire, then that love is transformed into lust. Prema or love is when our energies are placed towards God. When it is placed anywhere else, it is called Kama or lust.

So, Ravana disguised himself and stole Sita. He was so powerful that no one could defeat him, demigods were living in utter fear of Ravana and he was unconquerable. Lord Rama shows us how powerful lust really is. Everytime He cut off the heads of Ravana, another one grew. Doesn’t that sound like our own material desires? Everytime you perform some yajna or sacrifice to give up one material sinful desire, immediately another one shoots up. Those on the spiritual path know that as soon as you cut down one lusty desire, 10 more grow. It is seemingly an endless battle. Finally, Lord Rama shot His arrow into Ravana’s heart. When the arrow pierced the heart, Ravana fell to the ground.

The Lord is the only one who has this arrow. The arrow cannot be obtained by any mortal, living entity. It is the exclusive power of the Lord. That is why Lord Krishna says in the Gita, that this material energy of mine is very very difficult to overcome. But one who surrenders unto Me, I fight their battles with My own hands, I will conquer lust. I will conquer Ravana within your heart. So, when we surrender our sinful desires and
propensities to the Lord, the merciful Lord appears within our heart. Through the process of Bhakti i,e by remembering the Lord, by worshipping Him and chanting His holy names, by offering loving service unto Him, we make place for the Lord to appear within our heart and with His mighty arrows, he can shoot right into the heart of Ravana and make our sinful desires disappear forever from our hearts. That is the recommended process in the vedic scriptures.

So, let us all take this opportunity to introspect and bring out the Ravana hidden deep within each of us. Let us make a prayerful attempt to the Lord to help us by conquering this greatest enemy of all!

– Mrs. Preethi Dhiman

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Arrest that situation!

Arrest that situation!

Arrest that situation!From here on, I’ll be writing series of short sutras that go a long way in making your married life more happier!

Its an often heard complaint from men that they don’t know how to deal with their upset wife. The question arises simply because men are ill-equipped to really know how a woman ‘feels.’

Women are made up of feelings, largely, just like men are made up of an healthy amount of ego. Addressing her feelings in the right manner is as important for her as is addressing the ego of a man in the right manner. It becomes especially true when she is upset with you! It might seem trivial in a man’s perspective that she is disturbed over an insignificant matter & you might just want your wife to brush it aside and expect her to move on with the more important matters in life. But wait, does it make sense to expect something from an already upset person? Common sense says no, isn’t it? Especially, to ignore someone’s hurt feelings and just walk over it as if nothing has happened will leave that person feel more hurt and more upset. Marriage is about care and respect. When you respect your wife’s feelings, she will respect & love you 100 folds more.

You might have good reasons but its her feelings that need to be healed right now and when it is a matter of feelings, logic or debate will not help the situation. When one is upset, it means that they experience something being taken away from them- they experience a lack or a hurt. If not healed right away, this lack will grow, add and multiply over a period of time and fester into a complicated situation which you at that point will be unable to reverse.

Instead of countering her being upset with your anger or harshness, you might want to treat her with kindness realizing that something has been taken away from the core of her heart & that has been caused by your own action/inaction. The position of humility and mutual respect is never truer than in marriage. Usually, when we take a humble position, solution automatically presents itself- providence sent! But assuming that humble position might not come to us naturally. Nevertheless, we can practice it by what I call stepping ‘out-of-your-body.’ When you remind yourself that you are not this body and that the other person is hurt & is seeking your kindness, you allow yourself to contemplate on ways you can make that person feel better, voila, the solution presents itself before you! If its too difficult to assume that position of humility, you can try to lend a sympathetic ear and allow your spouse to express her feelings. Just by listening to her woes, you can make your spouse feel better. In a marriage any situation or matter can be resolved just by listening to the other person sympathetically & in the long run, you can also build strong unbreakable bonds with each other.

Here are some dont’s :

a. Don’t ignore that your wife is upset with you. Acknowledge & take steps to pacify her.

b. Don’t start explaining how you are not wrong! By being defensive, you are telling her that you are not willing to ease her pain.
c. Don’t try to resolve the matter using logic. It will only worsen the situation.
d. Don’t belittle your wife’s feelings. You may not like how your spouse feels but you have to respect it. By respecting her feelings, you inadvertently get your spouse on your side!
e. Don’t run away from the situation if you are on the wrong side. Nothing works in a marriage like a genuine apology.

If you find that your wife is unwilling to open up or tell you what is bothering her, then give her time by assuring her that you are always available for her. It takes patience to heal a deep seated wound formed over a long period of time.

Radhanath Swami gives a simple insightful message on happiness in marriage. He says ‘seeing other people in terms of their desires rather than your own is the basic principle of loving them. Whenever there are differences, be respectful.’

– Mrs. Preethi Dhiman

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Mid-marriage crisis!

Mid-marriage crisis!

Mid-marriage crisis!Oflate, I’m witnessing many unhealthy trends in marriage. While some are trying to live in uncomfortable zones in a marriage, i,e brushing the issues under the carpet, many others are calling it quits! Three of my close family friends’ marriage is on the rocks. One couple is living separately from the past two years and is contemplating divorce and the other two have fresh scars of separation.

But what troubles me most is when two adults come together and take the sacred vow of marriage and commitment to each other, they somehow miss to carry with them the essential ingredients that will enable them to keep those vows in the long run and soon their relationship becomes one transaction after another with no real depth to it. Many of us get so caught up in pleasing the many
people in our lives that the one person that matters the most in our lives takes the brunt of it all in form of your neglect!

You might be operating under the aura of ‘well, all that I’m doing is for him/her!’…but my friend, is it understood and appreciated in the same manner by him/her? There are many tell-tale signs of trouble brewing in your marriage, one of which is when both of you are running different schedules (packed & hectic too) & there is not much overlap time. I see many couples, young and old
grappling with this issue–they have too many things on their plates, more than they can chew comfortably.

It is well known that the path to a relationship breakdown is littered with small choices that lead relentlessly away from commitment and partnership towards a different priority or interest. It is the accumulation of these seemingly insignificant choices that draw a person way off course until they suddenly wake up to what is going on, and wonder how they got to where they now find themselves. So, take heed when things are still under control.

It becomes primary that the husband and wife maintain a healthy channel of communication between them. Thumb rule that a good communication system exists between the husband and the wife is when the husband feels he is rightly understood by the wife and the wife feels she is rightly understood and cared for by the husband. But, as time passes and as life gets busier loaded with increased responsibilities for both husband and the wife, the channel of communication becomes weaker and weaker, because of which there might creep in a certain level of dissatisfaction in either or both the parties. When this development is not arrested by taking time to hear each other out, the dissatisfaction keeps piling up, which keeps eroding all previous good credits & when the balance goes negative, such piled up dissatisfaction erupts in the mode of bitter fights whenever one is confronted with a difference of opinion.

Off course, when two people come together, there is bound to be difference of opinion. That is not the problem, but how you deal with the differences is all about a healthy or an unhealthy relationship. When differences lead one to bitter fights and hurts are kept locked inside the heart, that is when a relationship can be termed as unhealthy.

If you are reading this, please examine your own life pattern. Is your spouse happy with the quality of time you spend with him/her? Have you established a healthy channel of communication with him/her? Do either of you feel unloved or uncared for by your spouse? Is there any kind of bitterness expressed by your spouse towards you or by you towards your spouse? Are there accumulated hurts & resentments locked up within you?

If the answer to any of the above question is yes, then you have eroded lines of communication between the two of you and the onus is on you to rectify it by re-establishing the cords of healthy communication between you.

The primary duty of the householder in Grihasta Ashram is to fulfill all the needs of his wife and children. Similarly, the primary duty of a wife is to serve her husband and follow in his footsteps & bring up children in a loving atmosphere. It is said that in such a grihasta’s house, Goddess of Fortune, Laxmi, herself resides and the house becomes vaikuntha or abode of Lord Vishnu.
Please note carefully that we cannot aspire for Higher Worlds or make spiritual progress if we are achievers outside but are failing in our primary duty in the Grihasta Ashram. How seriously then must we take up the matters of rectifying the mistakes in our household life!

It is a challenging task to build right channels of communication when you are carrying bitter hurts & deep scars from the relationship because your deep need to be understood rightly has not been fulfilled. But there is hope, there is hope if you are willing to give up your ‘victim’ stance and allow healing measures to be brought into the relationship. Healing happens automatically when good communication is reestablished.

The most important thing you have to do if you feel you are the ‘victim’ in your relationship is to release those emotions that you’ve bottled up and start expressing what is in your mind!

It could be that you do not get sufficient opportunity in your relationship to express yourself? Many a times we mistake “tolerance” for “agreeing to everything” that the other person says & thereby refrain from expressing our minds to our spouse or may be it is a trait you borrowed from your childhood wherein you had a mother or a father who did not have the opportunity to
express himself or herself much to his/her spouse. Whatever the reason is, if you are not able to express yourself or state clearly what is in your mind & keep it concealed from your spouse, two things happen–one is frustration sets in you. The more you ‘do not express,’ the more ‘hurt’ you accumulate, to the point that you finally have to explode one day & you begin to express yourself in a heavily negative manner i,e in an accusatory/blaming manner. The other is that your spouse remains clueless about what is going on in your mind & does not know how to react to your bitterness and at best, harsh words are exchanged leaving you more ‘hurt’ and more ‘dissatisfied’ in the relationship.

Therefore, for a healthy relationship, it is of utmost importance that both the parties must learn to express their mind & heart and in doing so must clarify their individual ‘needs’ to each other, in the right (positive) manner so that the other person is able to understand you and do the needful & that you start feeling fulfilled in your relationship. Remember, in a marriage, both have equal right to say, ‘I dont agree’ and save long term consequence of bottled up frustrations, but it must be said in a manner that does not hurt the other person.

If you think you cannot express your mind to your spouse without being sharp, critical or angry i,e without a negative undertone, then it is best to begin by writing down your thoughts and feelings. Writing down your thoughts will give you enough time to modulate your emotions i,e edit what is negative & put forth your point in a more positive tone so that your spouse is able to understand, appreciate & take further steps to rectify the situation. You can also ensure that your point is heard completely by your spouse.

HINT: Learn to express your emotions without blaming the other person. For eg: Instead of saying, “You always hurt me by not listening to me.” you can say, “I feel hurt when someone does not listen to me. I request you to listen to me when I have something to say.”

Listening to your spouse is an art that many of us fail at. By listening carefully & without any biases to your spouse’s point of view or to his/her feelings/ramblings of the day, you show that you care & your spouse feels understood by you. Listening is an art because when you listen you have to be non-judgmental! Believe me, its a challenge to not throw in our opinion or solution when another person is speaking…try it! However, listening to your spouse is the only way to let him/her know that you understand! So, imagine the damage you are causing to the relationship every time you are preoccupied with some other thought/task when your spouse is speaking or have a bored/tired expression or dismiss what he/she has to say without giving it much thought!

While we are learning to express ourselves more positively, it is also equally important to be repentant for all the negativity that was caused by you, harsh words that you have hurled at him/her or for your careless attitude. This step goes ahead of all the other steps as nothing disarms the other & opens him/her to you than a well timed genuine apology.

It is also important to acknowledge the good things in your marriage, especially showing gratitude to your spouse. It positively reinforces loving feelings between the couple and sets a chain of positive feelings rolling. You have to do it sincerely and not just for the sake of it. You can also write a thank you note or use sms, to thank your spouse for the little ordinary things that he/she
does everyday for you.

Reestablishing a loving relationship with your spouse must be your top most priority. Nobody else will do it for you and it won’t be easy at all. But if you stay determined & give your sincere best, the Lord who is in the heart of everyone will enable it. Remember to always keep the communication lines open between the two of you and resolve your past hurts in good times by forgiving small & big hurts and taking stock of your own feelings every now and then.

However, if you or your spouse are unable to resolve your differences on your own, seek help from a neutral person who is an expert at solving relationship problems. Eg: a marriage counsellor. The counsellor will help you air out your grievances in a healthy manner, help re-build the cords of communication & both of you will discover a new meaningful life of togetherness!

In this context, Radhanath Swami has beautifully summarized in one of his lectures that the focus, the centre of your relationship should be to create a favorable environment to lead spiritual lives. In order to do so, there has to be a spirit of service between the two of you. That service should be offered with affection and care. And especially with tolerance. In this age, tolerance is most required, because by the nature of this age when two egos come together, there is bound to be conflict. There will be disagreements and misunderstandings, and as time goes on, certain things about each other will become disgusting and there will be great disagreements. It is inevitable. The sanctity of your marriage will be based on how you don’t take these differences very seriously.

– Mrs. Preethi Dhiman

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Be Divinely Empowered

Be Divinely Empowered

Be Divinely EmpoweredI’ve been maintaining a ‘Forgiveness Diary’ and every now and then I revisit it to see if I feel differently about people I’m committed to forgive but the resentments are running deeper than my resolve to forgive. Just as I was contemplating on the fact, I came across a beautiful quote which affected me deeply and has helped me change my perspective. “Heaven and Earth can never meet as long as you hold even one person outside of your heart.” from Devrah Laval, The Magic Doorway into the Divine. So, I began my journey of introspection…..

The first instinct when someone says something hurtful is 100% of the times ‘self-defense.’ Its the mother of all instincts. We tend to immediately wield our sharpest weapon against the offender and bring her down & then feel satisfied (ofcourse, at a gross level). If we’re unable to defend ourselves, the ‘hurt’ lingers on and the itchy feeling of at least detailing her all the reasons as to ‘why she is wrong,’ persists. What is worse is that it can persist life-long if we are unable to ‘give it back to her.’ Our clever mind keeps us busy by engaging itself into schemes of retaliation. At this point, you know that the set path is destructive but who can control the mind? And because you are treading a spiritual path and have read and theoretically understood that to forgive is divine, a deeper conflict emerges. ‘Am I grossly wrong in beating up my offender or in atleast making her realize she’s wrong!’ Vs ‘How do I forgive and emerge out of it unhurt.’ As the conflict rages on, you cannot seem to get it out of your mind and you activate a negative spiral of thoughts which seems to only collect negative impressions of your offender & more your mind is propelled into thinking how you were wronged, the deeper you fall into the resentment quick sand!

What can we do to overcome these strong negative thoughts? How can we relinquish ourselves from feelings conjured up by other’s acts? It set me think on deeper aspects of other’s behavior and motives. Did my offender know that what she said could hurt me deeply? What prompted her to behave as such? Why do I have such an urge to be understood rightly, every time?

Stephen R Covey has laid out seven habits of highly effective people & I’ve lived a part of my life following it sincerely and one of the habits he mentions is ‘to seek first to understand and then to be understood.’ So, I choose to apply it in this analysis because Covey says that we’re in a habit of deciding prematurely what the other person means before he/she finishes communicating. If you’re like most people, you probably seek first to be understood; you want to get your point across. And in doing so, you may ignore the other person completely, pretend that you’re listening, selectively hear only certain parts of the conversation or attentively focus on only the words being said, but miss the meaning entirely because most people listen with the intent to reply & not with the intent to understand. He calls it ‘autobiographical response.’

So, I decided to understand my offender first. Well, it was not an easy decision. It meant that I had to keep my ‘hurt’ aside and wear an objective hat, so that I’m not blinded by my own emotions. On can adopt various available techniques to bring about an objective frame of reference in the conscious realm either through meditative yoga, mantra chanting, breathing exercises or any other means of centering yourself and calming down your mind.

In a calm state of mind when there was possibility for clarity to emerge & objectivity to set in, I attempted to ‘understand’ the words of my offender. As I had drifted deep into this exercise, I realized that it had already provided me relief from the emotional burden (of negative thoughts) that I had been carrying all along. When we seek peace and clarity, we are ultimately creating the space within ourselves for alternative possibilities and healing. Without which, we will remain in a never-ending cycle of unnecessary pain and suffering. As we endeavor to sincerely understand the other person, it opens up the thus far unknown realm of what the other person’s state of mind is and gives us insight into what the other person is feeling & this shift in focus automatically puts us at ease on our own emotional front. If we are successful to break the chain of negative thoughts that
engulf us all the time and are able to bring our consciousness upto this point of peace and clarity, we become divinely empowered to see the ‘Truth,’ which most of the time is covered as we cover ourselves up with the blanket of our own emotions. I understood that to ‘hurt me’ was not the ‘real intention’ of my offender but she was acting on her primal instinct of ‘protecting’ her own sense of self (which is described as false-ego) under the cover of her blinds.

This is how we all act, unwittingly–each precious day of our life–under the spell of our false sense of self, pulling up our cover of emotions, wielding it with the hope that it will protect us, but it actually blinds us from the ‘Truth’ and what’s worse, we expect the other person to understand and respect our emotions, all the while not attempting to understand the other person’s state of mind or emotional being. But when you choose to understand the other person & his action, then you break the negative chain of thoughts and allow something wonderful to happen–the ability to see the ‘Truth,’ then, you have the healing choice of ‘Forgiving’ your offender & thereby ‘Healing’ your hurt. Dear friends, please understand that the only way to permanently heal your hurt is through ‘forgiveness’ and when we are able to truly forgive someone else, the person who benefits the most is ‘you!’ Remember, when we choose to crossover to the other side by attempting forgiveness, we are seeding new impressions that can form new habits. When we collect enough ‘impressions’ through ‘forgiving’ it automatically forms a new habit which means what was an endeavor earlier, now comes easily and naturally to us.

Radhanath Swami says ‘Mind is ones biggest enemy when uncontrolled, but majority of people put full faith on their enemy!’ He further elaborates that there can be lasting peace and happiness only if you keep your mind in captivity.

– Mrs. Preethi Dhiman

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