Author: Mrs. Preethi Dhiman

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Blog Relationships

Ding Dong Bell, Come Join us in the Well!!

Ding Dong Bell Come Join us in the Well!!Hello to all those in the “Well of Married life”. I crack this joke whenever I wish a couple on their marriage day: “Ding dong Bell! One more down the well!!” Please don’t baulk at this, for it does make people laugh! But it also makes them think that we are all in the same boat together sailing either towards paradise or towards hell, and now it is for us to decide what we want. Our married life can be a life of sacrifice uniting us for the higher purpose of serving God or it can be just a business arrangement to fulfill our selfish needs and desires.

But one thing is a fact. We are all united with a common thread. For example, when ladies meet
together there are few topics which everyone connects with immediately: husband and children, in-laws
and outlaws (nickname for in-laws :P.) My sister-in-law is very active in the kitty party scene. That’s the
place where ladies come together and have a good time discussing their husbands (or rather gossiping
about them.) Everyone has a good laugh, and everyone discovers the common traits among husbands.

1.They don’t like to be given directions while driving.
2.They love to throw wet towels on the bed after bath.
3.They don’t like to be told that they are wrong.
4.You have to agree unanimously with them that women are worst drivers.

5.Laugh at all their jokes (even though they are not so funny.)
6.Remember the account of all the shopping in the past month like a computer.
7.They think that if the children are doing badly in studies it’s because of wives and if they
excel it is because of them.
8. Expect the wife to take care of all the shopping, groceries, and provisions, get repairs done,
pay the bills, and teach the kids. (Still, they feel that wife is doing nothing!)
9. Throws a fit when told to do some housework.
10. And the list is endless… maybe some of you can add some more.

And I don’t know what men talk about when they meet. But I am sure they definitely don’t gossip about their wives. If we do ask them however, I am sure they may come up with a longer list about their wives, starting from nagging everyday to pick up the wet towel from the bed……. and it goes on…I won’t go in much detail about that.

Most married couples have the same problems. That’s what binds us together and so we are all connected with a common thread. So let us help each other to make our marriage a wonderful success and a happy experience. With this thought I would like to start a series of posts on how to understand the idiosyncrasies of each other, on how to tolerate and go ahead with a higher purpose of serving God and society by upholding the spiritual values and beliefs which we follow in our life.

– Dr. sandhya subramanian

…Read Articles in Sandhya’s Blog

Categories
Appreciate

Wipe It Clean

Wipe It Clean“If we are eager to find faults in someone, by the Lord’s will, we will see unlimited faults within that person even if there are none. They will appear as glaring as the sun at noon.” – Radhanath Swami.

 

A young couple moved into a new neighborhood. The next morning, while they were having breakfast, the young woman saw her neighbor hang the wash outside. “That laundry is not very clean”, she said, “she doesn’t know how to wash properly. Perhaps she needs better laundry soap”. Her husband looked on, but remained silent. Every time her neighbor would hang her wash to dry, the young woman would make the same comments. About a month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband: “Look! She has learned how to wash properly. I wonder who taught her this.” The husband said: “I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows!”

Sometimes even spouses tend to compete with each other. Even after marriage the spouses think themselves to be independent persons and not part of a two-member team. “The Lord is seated within everyone’s heart and He reciprocates according to our desires”, explains Radhanath Swami. Yes, there is good and bad everywhere. If we are looking for good qualities in our spouse and opportunities to please him or her, the Lord will reveal them to us. But if we are looking for faults, due to envy born out of unnecessary competition, that’s all we will see. In fact, good qualities in the spouse will only make us more envious of them.

 

Before criticizing the spouse, we should consider the state of our mind. Are we eager to appreciate the spouse for all his or her good work, or are we eager to pass judgments on any little shortcoming? What we see when watching others depends on the purity of the window through which we look. To live a joyful and fulfilling married life, it’s important to clean the window of our heart so that we recognize the good in our partners. The best way of cleaning the window of our heart, wiping it clean of the filth of envy, is to regularly come together and chant the Holy Names of God.

Categories
Tolerate

The Shoemaker’s Son

The Shoemaker’s SonTo remain inspired, positive, faithful, and optimistic even in the most trying situations is the substance of our sincerity. The Lord puts the greatest souls through tough situations and even failures just to show us how they remain positive and inspired to carry on. – Radhanath Swami.

 

As President Abraham Lincoln entered to give his inaugural address, one rich aristocrat stood up and condescendingly said, “Mr. Lincoln, you should not forget that your father used to make shoes for my family.” The whole Senate laughed thinking that they had made a fool of Abraham Lincoln. Lincoln reacted in the most unexpected way. He replied, “Sir, I know that my father used to make shoes in your house for your family, and there will be many others here for whom he made shoes. Because nobody else could make shoes the way he could. He was a creator. His shoes were not just shoes; he poured his whole soul into them. I have learnt from my father how to make shoes. If you have any complaint, I can make another pair of shoes for you. But as far as I know, nobody has ever complained about shoes my father made. He was a genius, a great creator, and I am proud of my father”. The whole Senate was dumbstruck. Instead of feeling insulted by the nasty remark, Lincoln felt proud about his genius father.

 

“One’s greatness has to be estimated by how one is able to be tolerate provoking situations,” Radhanath Swami emphasizes. Provoking situations are an inevitable part of life, whoever we are. Depending on how we respond to them is really what determines how close we become to God. While being crucified, Lord Jesus was praying to the Lord to forgive those who were torturing him. It’s not what happens to us that hurts us; it’s our response that hurts. Contemplating on such examples of great devotees of God, we can find inspiration to tolerate the relatively minor inconveniences that inevitably arise when spouses stay together. Everyone is unique; disagreements and difference of opinions are bound to arise. Instead of responding rashly, one must learn to tolerate such inconveniences and remain united based on the higher principle of coming together and serving God.

 

Remember. No one can hurt you without your consent.

Categories
Love

Stormy Happiness

“We are not made for each other, we are made for God!” – Radhanath Swami.

Happiness in ChoasA king once offered a prize to the artist who would paint the best picture of peace. Of the many entries, he shortlisted two. One was of a calm lake, a perfect mirror for the blue sky, fluffy clouds, and the towering mountains all around. The other picture had mountains too. But these were rugged and bare. Above was an angry sky from which rain fell and in which lightning played. Down the side of the mountain tumbled a foaming waterfall. This did not look peaceful at all. But on a closer look the king saw behind the waterfall a tiny bush growing in a crack in the rock. In that bush a mother bird had built her nest. There, in the midst of rushing angry waters, sat the mother bird on the nest—in perfect peace. The second picture won. The king explained that peace does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble, or hard work. Peace means to be in the midst of all those things and still be calm in your heart.

“Material life is about expectations,” Radhanath Swami notes. The more intimate the relationship, the more we expect from it. Marriage is the most intimate relationship. In the beginning it appears that both partners are willing to do anything for each other. They fall madly in love. It’s a romantic affair: “we are made for each other”; “our marriage was made in heaven”. But many times, the spouses expect the other half to be exactly what they want him or her to be. But nobody is what you want him or her to be. Due to unreasonable expectations from each other, the relationship can become stormy. Actually, we are not really made for each other, but we are made for God!

The material aspect of married life can be a source of great suffering. But if we have a higher purpose for being together, the struggle becomes meaningful. The highest purpose is cooperating together to serve and glorify God. Radhanath Swami explains, “Even if we put God in the center, the material aspect of married life can still cause suffering. But, amazingly, if God is in the center of the relationship, the typical relationship struggles will bring the two spouses closer to God”. When that happens, there will be real happiness, spiritual happiness.

Thus, despite occasional storms in the relationship, the spouses can find immense peace and happiness if only they keep God in the center.

Categories
Appreciate

The Faulty Fault-Finder

Fault Finding

Fault Finding“When we point a finger at others, three fingers point back towards us. This means that before finding a fault with others, we should find three faults in ourselves.” – Radhanath Swami.

 

One young artist wanted to assess his skills. He put his best in painting a beautiful scenery and kept the painting at a busy street-crossing with the following message below it: “Since I’m new to this profession I might have committed some mistakes while painting; please put a cross wherever you see a mistake.”

 

When he returned after a few hours he was shocked to see crosses on all parts of his painting. Broken-hearted, he went to his teacher and wept about how people had rejected him completely. But the wise teacher consoled him and told him that actually his painting was flawless. He asked his pupil to paint the same scenery again. Again they kept the painting at the street-crossing. But this time, the message was different: “Since I’m new to this profession I might have committed some mistakes while painting. I have kept here a box with colors and brushes. Please do me a favor. If you see a mistake, kindly pick up the brush and correct it.” And guess what, no one made any corrections for the whole next month. It’s easy to find faults in others, but not so easy to help others improve.

 

Generally, when we associate with somebody for a long time, we start getting tired of him or her. Familiarity breeds contempt. That is human nature. The spouse starts getting on our nerves and we just start finding all sorts of faults. Quite often, our mind becomes occupied with minutely analyzing each fault in the other. But we should know that even we are full of faults, though we don’t want to admit it. Before finding a fault in the spouse, we should first find three within ourselves. If both spouses follow this rule, soon they will start appreciating how the other has accepted him or her with all the faults. In this mood, the spouses can cooperate and help each other diagnose faults in themselves and work together to cure them.

Any ordinary man can find faults with others, even if no fault exists. But it takes a great man to see the good in others, even if there’s only a little bit of it.

Categories
Blog Relationships

Mind Games

Mind Games

Mind Games

We are what we think. Research has proven how our thoughts ultimately define our personality. Medical science also shows close connections of negative thoughts harbored over a long period of time manifesting into disease conditions in the body. They say a healthy body is a reflection of a healthy mind. But the million dollar question is, do we really pay attention to what our mind leads us up to?

Let’s take a closer look at how we deal with our senses. We walk past a butcher shop and the foul smell emanating immediately urges us to hold our breath. We put a spoonful of food in the mouth but if it is spoilt, we spits it out instantaneously. Its Deepavali time and a young boy is bursting a loud sounding cracker, we are quick to close our ears. If a thorn pricks us, we immediately withdraw our leg. Our natural sense of protection is very high when it comes to our gross senses, isn’t it? We choose to smell fragrant things, pleasurable food for the tongue, melodious music for the ears and soft things to touch, but do we have any idea what we choose as food for our mind? I suggest an exercise for you today. Pick up a pen and paper & make two columns-positive & negative. Make a mark for every positive or every negative thought you had in the course of the day. Be your natural self and be honest with yourself. At the end of the day, a look at the paper will reveal what kind of thoughts you are feeding your mind.

In marriage, there is a popular term, its called the seven year itch. The reason is seven years is long enough time for the honeymoon period to wane off, for you to be get your first child and for familiarity to breed in. Radhanath Swami says, ‘In this material world, the more intimate your relationship is, the more you expect that person to be what you want them to be.’ Soon couples find themselves being critical of the other, many times intolerant, judgmental (sometimes of every move or every spoken/unspoken word of the spouse or other family members!), uncaring or demeaning the other’s efforts, cold behavior, blame games, behaving hatefully towards each other (at least in the mind). Accumulating hurt and seeking opportunities to avenge hurt is another engagement of the negative mind. Often our dirty mind coupled with our egoistic inclinations, complicate the situation further. One negative thought normally leads to another, and soon your mind is being bashed with wave after wave of negative thoughts and these accumulated negative thoughts erode the happiness of families and lead them onto a path of destruction.

If you do not do something to stem the tide of negativity running a muck in your mind, it can really hurt the health of your mind, body and your precious relationships. If you genuinely want to rectify this ongoing war-like situation, you have to recognize the problem. To recognize the problem is half the battle won i,e you have to look yourself honestly in the mirror of your heart and see how much of what seems to be the problem has got generated in your ‘mind,’ due to its negative thought pattern and then, accepting or admitting your mind’s role in all of it. Remembering that you are not your mind helps!

For ease of purpose, let me quickly list the various categories of negative thoughts that I found in the medical journal New health partnerships.

 

Overgeneralization. “Always” or “Never” statements – “He never helps me with household work.” “Nobody cares.”

Fortune Telling. Thinking you can predict the future or predict how other people will react. “Only when I die, you will realize my worth.” “My wife’s father is an angry man, so she might have his genes of anger.” 

Focusing on the Negative / Ignoring the Positive. Looking at the bad and not the good. “She didn’t come to my birthday party. She must not like me,” (Ignoring the card she sent.)

Blaming Yourself or Others. “It’s your family’s fault that they didnt teach you good behavior.” “It’s because of my children that I dont have time for myself.” 

All or Nothing. If it’s not a full success, it’s a complete failure. “I wanted to lose 20 pounds and I only lost 10. I just can’t lose weight.”  

Magnifying.“The whole world is against me.” “Self-management would take all my time.” 

Personalizing. If someone’s in a bad mood or something goes wrong, it must be your fault. “Oh, she’s really in a bad mood. What did I say?” 

Many times our negative thought is because of lack of right information. So, before a negative thought occurs, try to evaluate if you have the right & complete information & if you dont have it, seek it. Remember that by jumping to conclusion prematurely, you are harming yourself and creating future stress.

 

One of the magical ways, I’ve found to deal with a negative thought is to nip it in the bud. Its easy to deal with it right at the beginning before it festers into something big & ugly. Right when the first negative thought of the day is coming your way, arrest it and replace it with its positive counterpart. Eg: Replace “oh, a long and stressful day ahead of me.” with “Let me plan this bright and sunny day so that I achieve many things today.” In this way, counter each and every negative thought with a positive one. Voila, at the end of the day, you feel lighter and brighter! A positive framework helps you deal with others better.

 

Throw the negative self-script out of the window and use self-affirmation statements to combat negativity due to low self-esteem. You could write down a statement which counteracts the negative feelings about yourself such as “I am very courageous and can deal with all situations calmly in my life.” and say it to yourself whenever you feel the need. 

Diverting your mind to a better activity is better than suppressing a negative thought as suppressed thoughts are sure to resurface.

 

If there are blocks such as deep hurts that wont let you counter those thoughts, dont give up!  Remind yourself that your mind is tricking you to take shelter in negativity again. So, dont allow your mind to dwell on the hurt or the situation any longer. You have already given it enough time and attention. Move away from your role as a victim. Embrace the art of forgiveness. Realize the true value in forgiving & the changes it can bring in your life. Forgive (in your mind first) and let go of that hurt or still better surrender the hurt to the Lord. Repeat as many times as the thought occurs to you.

 

Finally, go for an early morning walk to freshen your mind and thoughts or join a yoga school or start exercising. Focus on adapting a healthy lifestyle and on getting fitter. Exercise can help you to increase the hormones in your body responsible for happy emotions. You can practice relaxation techniques such as pranayama to release negative thoughts from your mind.

 

In the Bhagavad-Gita, the great archer of all times, Arjuna, is expressing his difficulty in controlling his obstinate mind and Lord Krishna gives him hope by suggesting that by ‘practice’ it is possible. Srila Prabhupada, in the purport to this verse elaborates ‘hearing of the transcendental activities of the Lord is a very powerful transcendental method for purging the mind of all misgivings.’ When we develop a higher taste, the mind naturally detaches itself from all sorts of lower tastes. Let me leave you with this thought, ‘adios!’

– Mrs Preethi Dhiman

…Read Articles in Preethi’s Blog

Categories
Love

Quenching the Thirst for Love

True love

True Love“Some years ago, I met Mother Teresa at Kolkata. She told me that the greatest problem in the world is hunger; not hunger of the belly, but hunger of the heart.” — Radhanath Swami

Finding love is our greatest need; it brings true fulfillment in life. Without love, we are lonely and emotionally starving. But what is real love? We often mistake temporary pleasures exchanged between husband and wife to be love. But these flickering sensations are like a mirage. A person lost in the desert searches desperately for an oasis of water, and in that desperation, due to longing and hopefulness, sometimes a mirage appears before him or her. That person thinks that the mirage can quench the thirst, but all that is got is a mouthful of hot sand. This is the story of many married couples today – they hope for true love from the mirage of mere bodily relationships.

To understand what real love is, we have to understand who we really are. The basic teaching of the Bhagavad-Gita is that we are not the body nor the mind, but that we are the living force. Our potential is to love and our need is to be loved. Exchange of spiritual love is what we long for. Our mind and senses (e.g. eyes, ears, etc.) are merely the instruments through which we experience life; they cannot quench our thirst for spiritual love.

The Bhagavad Gita explains that every living being is a part of God just like every ray emanating from the sun is a part of the sun. When we discover the love of God that is within our own hearts, we see an inseparable part of God in the heart of every living being—and also see it in our own husband or wife. When we actually understand our spiritual relationship with God, we also understand our spouse’s spiritual relationship with God, and start seeing him or her in that light.

Our natural position is that we are eternal servants of God. This is a universal principle. In the Bible, Jesus says, “What is the use if you gain the whole world but lose your eternal soul?” The first great commandment is to love God with all one’s heart, mind, and soul. The natural consequence of such love of God is that we start loving our neighbor as dearly as we love ourselves. And our closest neighbor is in our own house – our own spouse.