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Did he intend that?

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Did he intend thatWhen I am hurt by my husband’s words, more often than not, I tend to blame him for being insensitive. As I am preoccupied with my own hurt , I leave no effort undone to make it very apparent that ‘he HURT me.’ If our conversation proceeds further and I see that he does not care to respond to my feelings and is more interested in defending his own stance, I’m more and more aggravated and I drive myself to feel more and more pained.

As I was contemplating on how I could resolve this situation occurring and recurring in the lives of many-a- well-meaning couples, I chanced upon the book ‘Difficult Conversations’ by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton and Sheila Heen. As I read the title of the third chapter, a new realization dawned upon me. It said ‘dont assume they meant it.’ The authors say that mostly ‘we assume what the other person’s intentions are, when in fact, we aren’t aware of it! Other people’s intentions exist only in their hearts or minds’.

Why then do we feel hurt when we don’t even know their intention? It is because of the impact of those words or action on us that we tend to assume their intentions as wrong. Eg: on a busy day, when someone makes us wait and he turns up late, we don’t think that ‘he could have run into someone more needy,’ but we think, ‘as usual, he’s taking me for granted.’

What’s ironic is that though we tend to attribute bad intentions to others, we’re more charitable towards ourselves eg: when your husband forgets to pay the electricity bill, he’s irresponsible, but when you forget to lock the main door, you’re overworked & stressed. Just see how we’re able to easily forgive ourselves or rationalize our intention because it is we who know our intentions the best. Similarly, when your husband criticizes your words, you feel he’s putting you down but when you offer him a suggestion, you’re trying to be helpful.

The reason why we can easily forgive ourselves too is because we know that we don’t intend to annoy, offend or hurt someone intentionally. We’re sometimes so caught up in our own act that we’re grossly unaware of the negative impact that our words or action has on someone else. What is most interesting, according to experts, is that it is a rare phenomena to have people with grossly bad intentions in our lives, rarer than we imagine!!

Doesn’t that bring some solace to you! It gives you a chance to look upon your family members as people who love you, who have the best interest for you or at least do not mean to hurt you intentionally. When our vision of people around us change, we start seeing them more positively, the impact of their words and actions on us too change for the better.

Going back to the question of resolving the situation of word/action-> hurt-> blame -> more hurt -> more blame, is to bring it to an objective platform. You bring the situation to an objective platform when you separate the hurt from the intention and then clarify intentions without judging them.

Examples of some clarifications when we react and judge are-

  • Why do you always belittle my efforts?
  • Aren’t you trying to manipulate me?
  • You say these words purposefully to hurt me!

How could we bring in more objectivity into the above 3 examples?

  1. When you say ‘I don’t think you will be able to do it…,’ I feel belittled. What do you actually mean when you say that?
  2. I feel I am being manipulated in the current situation. Can you let me know what you intended when you asked me to speak in favour of you.
  3. You said ‘why bother!’ When you use such words I get hurt. Please tell me what you intended?

Can you see the difference of using our words carefully? How we speak to others evoke similar responses. We might think we’re simply expressing our hurt and might expect the other person to understand and probably apologize to us, but what we’re doing is to inadvertently put them on a defence. Any person will try to defend a false accusation. But when we separate our hurt from their intention and state our hurt and then objectively seek to know their real intention, we’re creating a healthy environment of discussion. Otherwise, if we mix up our hurt sentiments/feelings with their intention, we’re merely provoking them or maligning their character and your words will be farfetched from one who is looking for solace. Such conversations lead to no apology or understanding or a changed situation except a bigger misunderstanding.

Let’s learn how to separate our hurt from their intention in 3 easy steps-

  1. Note what the other person has said or done
  2. What was the impact of this on you
  3. Based on this impact, what assumptions are you making about the other person’s intentions

When we’re on the other side of receiving the blame, we can disarm an explosive situation by first listening to the other person’s feelings and later reflecting on your intention. Usually we fail to listen past the accusation. Accusations especially false ones, really tick us off but let us always remember that accusations about our bad intentions are always because of two reasons-

  1. We really had bad intention or some mixed intention (ulterior motive)
  2. The other person is hurt or frustrated

A constructive conversation when you receive blame is when you start by listening to and acknowledging the feelings and then return to the question of intentions. We can also take up this opportunity to purify our intentions.

Radhanath Swami emphasizes on purifying our intentions- ‘God sees not only our bodies, but he sees our desires, motivations, intentions, and he is only pleased when there is love. If we do not have love in our hearts, God sees, but he is not pleased to see us. Shelter comes when the Lord is pleased with our intention and spirit of service.’

When our intentions are pure, it reflects in our words and actions too!

– Mrs. Preethi Dhiman

…Read Articles in preethi’s Blog

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  1. August 3, 2013

    Y. Raja Shekar

    Rightly said by HH Radhanath Swami. God sees our intentions and if intentions are pure then there is little chance that we slip the tongue.

  2. August 3, 2013

    Paramesvara Dasa

    As we are parts and parcels of Krsna, our duty is to please krsna in each and every act. All glories to HH Radhanatha Svami Maharaja.

  3. August 4, 2013

    pratik desai

    Nice one !!

  4. August 5, 2013

    Swapnil Gaonkar

    Very profound. Thank you for sharing

  5. August 6, 2013

    pratik desai

    Nice one. Thanks for sharing.

  6. August 6, 2013

    Aishwarya

    “When our intentions are pure, it reflects in our words and actions too”-so true.

  7. August 6, 2013

    anjan

    Thank you for this wonderful blog :)

  8. August 7, 2013

    Kalpana Kulkarni

    Superb article. A must read for all of us who are in such situations day in and day out.

  9. August 9, 2013

    Sanjiv

    Wonderful analysis of how misunderstanding can keep growing in a relationship.

  10. August 13, 2013

    Y.Raja Shekar

    Interesting article. HH Radhanath Swami hits the nail by focusing on the pure intentions and desires which determine our right kind of actions.

  11. August 14, 2013

    Y.Raja Shekar

    HH Radhanath Swami shows by his personal example and through the revealed scriptures, how to practice these sublime principles based on love of God.

  12. August 14, 2013

    Y.Raja Shekar

    Great souls like HH Radhanath Swami never judge any one. The tips given in this articles to avoid judging are very useful in day to day life.

  13. August 15, 2013

    vsk

    a must read for all the grahasthas

  14. August 16, 2013

    Y.Raja Shekar

    HH Radhanath Swami emphasises not to be judgemental which is very detrimental to our spiritual progress.

  15. August 16, 2013

    Prajakta Timbe

    Very wonderful article. Intentions, judgment, hurting each other all these things between husband and wife is clearly explained and given solutions on the basis of spiritual understanding. Worth reading article !!

  16. August 17, 2013

    Vinay Malani

    Thank you very much for this very useful article. It helps a great deal in avoiding relationship problems.

  17. August 20, 2013

    Y.Raja Shekar

    HH Radhanath Swami by his own personal example demonstrates through his dealings with others, his intentions which are very pure and aiming at giving love of God.

  18. August 20, 2013

    chandrika

    Nice article..

  19. August 22, 2013

    Y.Raja Shekar

    Wonderful article and just by observing and following the example of great souls like HH Radhanath Swami, we have lot of hope that we can practice these principles of purity and humility.

  20. August 23, 2013

    Anil Timbe

    very very thoughtful article.. seems bit difficult to practice but I’ll surely give a try as it does solve the problem of resolving misunderstanding. Thanks to Radhanath Swami and author for sharing such beautiful realization.

  21. August 25, 2013

    biswajit

    Nice elaborate article

  22. August 26, 2013

    Vinay Jain

    Thank you Radhanath Swami & Preethi for this extremely important article on improving husband-wife relationships!

  23. August 26, 2013

    chandrika

    Thank you Radhanath Swami

  24. August 27, 2013

    navin poojary

    We judge ourselves by our intentions and others by their behaviour.But actually it should be other WAY ROUND..then only GOD can be pleased with us.

  25. August 28, 2013

    biswajit

    Radhanath Swami Ki Jai

  26. September 1, 2013

    Y. Raja Shekar

    As emphasised by HH Radhanath Swami we have to purify our intentions and serve the Lord with these purified intentions.

  27. September 1, 2013

    biswajit

    All glories to HH Radhanth Swami Maharaj Ji..

  28. September 3, 2013

    Sada Nandini

    Thank you Radhanath Swami for this wonderful article explaining about the intentions

  29. September 3, 2013

    Y.Raja Shekar

    HH Radhanath Swami personally demonstrates this quality of no-judgemental in his approach to any one.

  30. September 6, 2013

    Y.Raja Shekar

    HH Radhanath Swami, by his own personal example, paves us the path for all of us on how not to judge others by their externals.

  31. September 7, 2013

    biswajit

    HH Rahanath Swami Maharaj nicely explains in the lecture

  32. September 8, 2013

    Y. Raja Shekar

    HH Radhanath Swami have such pure intentions that he just wish to spread the message of Krishna to please Krishna. Can we one day develop at least 1% of his pure intentions and become instruments in his hands? That is perfection of our life.

  33. September 9, 2013

    Y. Raja Shekar

    HH Radhanath Swami gives us a very deep and profound lesson that Krishna sees only our intentions and not the external extravagance.

  34. September 12, 2013

    Y.Raja Shekar

    HH Radhanath Swami always emphasises this point that Krishna sees our intentions and not our quantum of service.

  35. September 15, 2013

    biswajit

    All glories to Radhanath Swami Maharaj

  36. September 15, 2013

    biswajit

    Thanks for this wonderful article by HH Radhanath Swami Maharaj

  37. September 18, 2013

    biswajit

    Wonderful! Thanks for sharing

  38. September 19, 2013

    biswajit

    Amazing article by HH Radhanath Swami Maharaj

  39. September 21, 2013

    biswajit

    Radhanath Swami Ki Jai….

  40. September 21, 2013

    vvdd

    an all time solution for the grahasthas

  41. September 22, 2013

    Y. Raja Shekar

    Following in the footsteps of great souls like HH Radhanath Swami purifies our intentions.

  42. September 24, 2013

    biswajit

    All glories to HH Radhanath Swami Maharaj

  43. September 24, 2013

    Y.Raja Shekar

    Very nice article. The intentions get purified when we hear and follow in the footsteps of great saints like HH Radhanath Swami.

  44. September 24, 2013

    biswajit

    Nice explanation by Radhanath Swami Maharaj

  45. September 25, 2013

    Y Raja Shekar

    When we approach pure souls like HH Radhanath Swami with pure intentions, then the doors open for the pure spiritual life.

  46. September 26, 2013

    Y.Raja Shekar

    HH Radhanath Swami always advocates not to judge any one by their external symptoms and go deeper to understand their heart, their intentions to sustain our relationships

  47. September 30, 2013

    biswajit

    Hare Krishna…

  48. October 1, 2013

    Y.Raja Shekar

    Its very clear from the guidance of HH Radhanath Swami that God sees our intentions and not what we have achieved.

  49. October 1, 2013

    biswajit

    Hare Krishna….

  50. October 6, 2013

    Sada Nandini

    Thank you very much for this wonderful article.

  51. October 21, 2013

    Tallam Sita Ramaiah

    “God sees not only our bodies, but he sees our desires, motivations, intentions, and he is only pleased when there is love. If we do not have love in our hearts, God sees, but he is not pleased to see us. Shelter comes when the Lord is pleased with our intention and spirit of service.” A great teaching to always ponder over.

  52. November 4, 2013

    Sada Nandini

    Thank you very much for this very wonderful article by giving practical solutions when we are hurt by some one and how to understand the other persons intentions.

  53. November 15, 2013

    sagar

    I am amazed by the depth of research on the topic of intentions. Very practical and easy was to help each other in relationships because problems may occur on daily basis. Thank you for sharing such words of wisdom in simple and easy to understand language.

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