Tag: relationship

Categories
Love

The Imposter

The Imposter“When there is love in our heart, only love will come out” — Radhanath Swami

Lasting relationships are based on love. And yet, why do so many loving relationships see unhappy endings? It’s not because love was lost, but because it was never really love; it was the look-alike, i.e., lust.

The difference between lust and love is that one is selfish while the other is selfless. Lust is based on ignorance and love on truth. Under the misconception that they are mere physical bodies, many lovers seek from their partners sensations that give pleasure to their own bodies. This is selfish lust, because the goal is one’s own pleasure. The proof of such selfishness is that as soon as the partner stops providing enough pleasure, the so-called love vanishes.

But real love is selfless. It’s about giving, not taking; it’s about the beloved, not the lover. True love is based on the truth that we are not mere physical bodies. We are eternal souls residing within our bodies. The eternal nature of the soul is to love God and all His children selflessly. When we understand this eternal nature of the soul, and when we experience the sublime pleasure of giving ourselves selflessly to reach the soul of an­other, then we know what true love is.

“When our desires get disconnected from eternal truth, they become lust. But when our desires get reunited with eternal truth, all of them become an ex­pression of true love.” — Radhanath Swami.

Categories
Love

Give to Get

Give to Get“Love is the process of conquering and getting conquered” – Radhanath Swami.

Relationships can sometimes become dry. Very often the reason is simple: the watering of the relationship has stopped. For relationships to grow, they need to be watered by care, affection, and time. For some reason or the other, e.g. busy work schedules, if the husband and wife are not able to get enough time to reciprocate with each other, the relationship begins to dry up. The partners, even if living under the same roof, start feeling lonely, unloved.

If we do not feel loved, it’s probably because we are not showing love enough. If we do not feel respected, it is probably because we are not showing respect enough. Human nature is to reciprocate. If we are impersonal, mechanical and shallow in our dealings with our spouse, then he or she will just reflect back the same sentiments. If we do not show care and affection, he or she will be indifferent too. This is human nature. Our behavior towards others withdraws certain qualities. If we insult others, we draw out their anger. If we praise others, we might draw out their pride. But if we are affectionate to others, we can draw out affection. The fix is to proactively be the person we want the other to be.

“I have not found anyone who is caring, loving, and affectionate, but who has still not received love in return. In giving, we receive.” — Radhanath Swami.

Categories
Love

Stormy Happiness

“We are not made for each other, we are made for God!” – Radhanath Swami.

Happiness in ChoasA king once offered a prize to the artist who would paint the best picture of peace. Of the many entries, he shortlisted two. One was of a calm lake, a perfect mirror for the blue sky, fluffy clouds, and the towering mountains all around. The other picture had mountains too. But these were rugged and bare. Above was an angry sky from which rain fell and in which lightning played. Down the side of the mountain tumbled a foaming waterfall. This did not look peaceful at all. But on a closer look the king saw behind the waterfall a tiny bush growing in a crack in the rock. In that bush a mother bird had built her nest. There, in the midst of rushing angry waters, sat the mother bird on the nest—in perfect peace. The second picture won. The king explained that peace does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble, or hard work. Peace means to be in the midst of all those things and still be calm in your heart.

“Material life is about expectations,” Radhanath Swami notes. The more intimate the relationship, the more we expect from it. Marriage is the most intimate relationship. In the beginning it appears that both partners are willing to do anything for each other. They fall madly in love. It’s a romantic affair: “we are made for each other”; “our marriage was made in heaven”. But many times, the spouses expect the other half to be exactly what they want him or her to be. But nobody is what you want him or her to be. Due to unreasonable expectations from each other, the relationship can become stormy. Actually, we are not really made for each other, but we are made for God!

The material aspect of married life can be a source of great suffering. But if we have a higher purpose for being together, the struggle becomes meaningful. The highest purpose is cooperating together to serve and glorify God. Radhanath Swami explains, “Even if we put God in the center, the material aspect of married life can still cause suffering. But, amazingly, if God is in the center of the relationship, the typical relationship struggles will bring the two spouses closer to God”. When that happens, there will be real happiness, spiritual happiness.

Thus, despite occasional storms in the relationship, the spouses can find immense peace and happiness if only they keep God in the center.

Categories
Blog Relationships

Mind Games

Mind Games

Mind Games

We are what we think. Research has proven how our thoughts ultimately define our personality. Medical science also shows close connections of negative thoughts harbored over a long period of time manifesting into disease conditions in the body. They say a healthy body is a reflection of a healthy mind. But the million dollar question is, do we really pay attention to what our mind leads us up to?

Let’s take a closer look at how we deal with our senses. We walk past a butcher shop and the foul smell emanating immediately urges us to hold our breath. We put a spoonful of food in the mouth but if it is spoilt, we spits it out instantaneously. Its Deepavali time and a young boy is bursting a loud sounding cracker, we are quick to close our ears. If a thorn pricks us, we immediately withdraw our leg. Our natural sense of protection is very high when it comes to our gross senses, isn’t it? We choose to smell fragrant things, pleasurable food for the tongue, melodious music for the ears and soft things to touch, but do we have any idea what we choose as food for our mind? I suggest an exercise for you today. Pick up a pen and paper & make two columns-positive & negative. Make a mark for every positive or every negative thought you had in the course of the day. Be your natural self and be honest with yourself. At the end of the day, a look at the paper will reveal what kind of thoughts you are feeding your mind.

In marriage, there is a popular term, its called the seven year itch. The reason is seven years is long enough time for the honeymoon period to wane off, for you to be get your first child and for familiarity to breed in. Radhanath Swami says, ‘In this material world, the more intimate your relationship is, the more you expect that person to be what you want them to be.’ Soon couples find themselves being critical of the other, many times intolerant, judgmental (sometimes of every move or every spoken/unspoken word of the spouse or other family members!), uncaring or demeaning the other’s efforts, cold behavior, blame games, behaving hatefully towards each other (at least in the mind). Accumulating hurt and seeking opportunities to avenge hurt is another engagement of the negative mind. Often our dirty mind coupled with our egoistic inclinations, complicate the situation further. One negative thought normally leads to another, and soon your mind is being bashed with wave after wave of negative thoughts and these accumulated negative thoughts erode the happiness of families and lead them onto a path of destruction.

If you do not do something to stem the tide of negativity running a muck in your mind, it can really hurt the health of your mind, body and your precious relationships. If you genuinely want to rectify this ongoing war-like situation, you have to recognize the problem. To recognize the problem is half the battle won i,e you have to look yourself honestly in the mirror of your heart and see how much of what seems to be the problem has got generated in your ‘mind,’ due to its negative thought pattern and then, accepting or admitting your mind’s role in all of it. Remembering that you are not your mind helps!

For ease of purpose, let me quickly list the various categories of negative thoughts that I found in the medical journal New health partnerships.

 

Overgeneralization. “Always” or “Never” statements – “He never helps me with household work.” “Nobody cares.”

Fortune Telling. Thinking you can predict the future or predict how other people will react. “Only when I die, you will realize my worth.” “My wife’s father is an angry man, so she might have his genes of anger.” 

Focusing on the Negative / Ignoring the Positive. Looking at the bad and not the good. “She didn’t come to my birthday party. She must not like me,” (Ignoring the card she sent.)

Blaming Yourself or Others. “It’s your family’s fault that they didnt teach you good behavior.” “It’s because of my children that I dont have time for myself.” 

All or Nothing. If it’s not a full success, it’s a complete failure. “I wanted to lose 20 pounds and I only lost 10. I just can’t lose weight.”  

Magnifying.“The whole world is against me.” “Self-management would take all my time.” 

Personalizing. If someone’s in a bad mood or something goes wrong, it must be your fault. “Oh, she’s really in a bad mood. What did I say?” 

Many times our negative thought is because of lack of right information. So, before a negative thought occurs, try to evaluate if you have the right & complete information & if you dont have it, seek it. Remember that by jumping to conclusion prematurely, you are harming yourself and creating future stress.

 

One of the magical ways, I’ve found to deal with a negative thought is to nip it in the bud. Its easy to deal with it right at the beginning before it festers into something big & ugly. Right when the first negative thought of the day is coming your way, arrest it and replace it with its positive counterpart. Eg: Replace “oh, a long and stressful day ahead of me.” with “Let me plan this bright and sunny day so that I achieve many things today.” In this way, counter each and every negative thought with a positive one. Voila, at the end of the day, you feel lighter and brighter! A positive framework helps you deal with others better.

 

Throw the negative self-script out of the window and use self-affirmation statements to combat negativity due to low self-esteem. You could write down a statement which counteracts the negative feelings about yourself such as “I am very courageous and can deal with all situations calmly in my life.” and say it to yourself whenever you feel the need. 

Diverting your mind to a better activity is better than suppressing a negative thought as suppressed thoughts are sure to resurface.

 

If there are blocks such as deep hurts that wont let you counter those thoughts, dont give up!  Remind yourself that your mind is tricking you to take shelter in negativity again. So, dont allow your mind to dwell on the hurt or the situation any longer. You have already given it enough time and attention. Move away from your role as a victim. Embrace the art of forgiveness. Realize the true value in forgiving & the changes it can bring in your life. Forgive (in your mind first) and let go of that hurt or still better surrender the hurt to the Lord. Repeat as many times as the thought occurs to you.

 

Finally, go for an early morning walk to freshen your mind and thoughts or join a yoga school or start exercising. Focus on adapting a healthy lifestyle and on getting fitter. Exercise can help you to increase the hormones in your body responsible for happy emotions. You can practice relaxation techniques such as pranayama to release negative thoughts from your mind.

 

In the Bhagavad-Gita, the great archer of all times, Arjuna, is expressing his difficulty in controlling his obstinate mind and Lord Krishna gives him hope by suggesting that by ‘practice’ it is possible. Srila Prabhupada, in the purport to this verse elaborates ‘hearing of the transcendental activities of the Lord is a very powerful transcendental method for purging the mind of all misgivings.’ When we develop a higher taste, the mind naturally detaches itself from all sorts of lower tastes. Let me leave you with this thought, ‘adios!’

– Mrs Preethi Dhiman

…Read Articles in Preethi’s Blog

Categories
Appreciate

Mutual Saviors

Mutual Saviors

Mutual Saviors“We become unified when despite all of our diversity we serve one another” – Radhanath Swami

A very nice story illustrates this. A church was facing a tough situation: it was losing its members. So the remaining members approached a very saintly person and asked, “Can you tell us how to build up the church again?” The saint replied, “I cannot tell you how to build up your church, but I can tell you one thing for sure. The messiah has appeared as one of the members of your church. But I cannot tell you who he is.” When the members heard that, each one of them thought that any of the others could be the messiah. So, each one overlooked the faults of the others; after all, any of the other members could be the savior. Consequently, mutual respect amongst them grew, and they started serving each other. As they developed love for each other in this way, the church grew and flourished.

Similarly, in marital relationships, we tend to only notice the faults and differences of opinions of our spouse; we tend to take their good qualities for granted. But by remembering always that our spouse is a beloved child of God, we can train ourselves to overlook the spouse’s faults. Based on this higher principle, we can develop the understanding that the husband and wife can be each other’s “saviors”. Then mutual respect amongst the spouses will grow and the spouses will serve each other while helping each other progress spiritually. The relationship will thus grow and flourish.

Categories
Tolerate

Don’t be Childish

Don't be Childish

Don't be ChildishThe nature of the mind is that sometimes you like each other and sometimes you don’t like each other; sometimes you are angry with each other and sometimes you are happy with each other. This is because the ego is very flickering, the mind is even more flickering, and the senses are all the more flickering — Radhanath Swami

A child may cry for a new toy he sees in the toy store and won’t let you get out of the store unless you buy it. So, you give into its plea and shell out a large amount. The child stops crying and plays with it the whole evening. Next morning you find him uninterested in the toy and he now wants something new to play with! Similarly, our desires are flickering and insatiable. Our mind always tries to seek something new, something different. So, if our relationship is based on these superficial principles such as desires of the mind or the senses or the ego, then our relationship is very superficial, it is without much substance and may soon lose sheen.

Radhanath Swami reminds us that marriage is a sacred event and therefore it is sanctified in a sacred place like a church or a temple. It is to be taken as a priority, above everything else. When we focus on the sacred principle that has brought us together, and harmonize whatever that may come in our lives according to that, our relationship deepens, and is no longer based on the flickering nature of the ego, mind and senses.

‘The embodied soul may be restricted from sense enjoyment, though the taste for sense objects remains. But, ceasing such engagements by experiencing a higher taste, he is fixed in consciousness.’ (Bhagavad Gita 2.59)

 

Categories
Love

Lust or Love?

True Love

True LoveLove is the greatest need in life. If you have it, you are happy in any situation; if you do not have it, you are miserable and lonely in all situations.

The most important aspect of the soul, the Vedas explain, is ananda – bliss. The soul is by nature full of bliss. This bliss originates in love. Therefore, love is the greatest need. When we forget our eternal love for God, we try to somehow experience that love within this world – desperately. Looking for love in the temporary objects of this world is called kama – lust. In essence, it means trying to enjoy in the state of ignorance of the fact that the endeavor to find happiness in matter has nothing to do with our true self.

Lust manifests most powerfully in relationships between man and woman. The husband and wife, in the name of love, desperately try to find happiness by enjoying each other. Unfortunately, since such attempts cannot really satisfy the soul, a lot of problems can arise. The moment the spouse stops giving enough enjoyment, frustration sets in, leading to serious quarrels. The solution is to understand that material relationships can never give real happiness to the soul. The soul is looking for a spiritual experience in connection with God, an experience of unlimited love.

When both spouses awaken to this knowledge, instead of seeking happiness in enjoying each other lustily, they will seek happiness in serving God lovingly. Since love for God is the source of all happiness, such a God – centered married life will flood their life with true love and bliss.