feeling | Radhanath Swami | Marriage and Parenting Advice

Oflate, I’m witnessing many unhealthy trends in marriage. While some are trying to live in uncomfortable zones in a marriage, i,e brushing the issues under the carpet, many others are calling it quits! Three of my close family friends’ marriage is on the rocks. One couple is living separately from the past two years and is contemplating divorce and the other two have fresh scars of separation.

But what troubles me most is when two adults come together and take the sacred vow of marriage and commitment to each other, they somehow miss to carry with them the essential ingredients that will enable them to keep those vows in the long run and soon their relationship becomes one transaction after another with no real depth to it. Many of us get so caught up in pleasing the many
people in our lives that the one person that matters the most in our lives takes the brunt of it all in form of your neglect!

You might be operating under the aura of ‘well, all that I’m doing is for him/her!’…but my friend, is it understood and appreciated in the same manner by him/her? There are many tell-tale signs of trouble brewing in your marriage, one of which is when both of you are running different schedules (packed & hectic too) & there is not much overlap time. I see many couples, young and old
grappling with this issue–they have too many things on their plates, more than they can chew comfortably.

It is well known that the path to a relationship breakdown is littered with small choices that lead relentlessly away from commitment and partnership towards a different priority or interest. It is the accumulation of these seemingly insignificant choices that draw a person way off course until they suddenly wake up to what is going on, and wonder how they got to where they now find themselves. So, take heed when things are still under control.

It becomes primary that the husband and wife maintain a healthy channel of communication between them. Thumb rule that a good communication system exists between the husband and the wife is when the husband feels he is rightly understood by the wife and the wife feels she is rightly understood and cared for by the husband. But, as time passes and as life gets busier loaded with increased responsibilities for both husband and the wife, the channel of communication becomes weaker and weaker, because of which there might creep in a certain level of dissatisfaction in either or both the parties. When this development is not arrested by taking time to hear each other out, the dissatisfaction keeps piling up, which keeps eroding all previous good credits & when the balance goes negative, such piled up dissatisfaction erupts in the mode of bitter fights whenever one is confronted with a difference of opinion.

Off course, when two people come together, there is bound to be difference of opinion. That is not the problem, but how you deal with the differences is all about a healthy or an unhealthy relationship. When differences lead one to bitter fights and hurts are kept locked inside the heart, that is when a relationship can be termed as unhealthy.

If you are reading this, please examine your own life pattern. Is your spouse happy with the quality of time you spend with him/her? Have you established a healthy channel of communication with him/her? Do either of you feel unloved or uncared for by your spouse? Is there any kind of bitterness expressed by your spouse towards you or by you towards your spouse? Are there accumulated hurts & resentments locked up within you?

If the answer to any of the above question is yes, then you have eroded lines of communication between the two of you and the onus is on you to rectify it by re-establishing the cords of healthy communication between you.

The primary duty of the householder in Grihasta Ashram is to fulfill all the needs of his wife and children. Similarly, the primary duty of a wife is to serve her husband and follow in his footsteps & bring up children in a loving atmosphere. It is said that in such a grihasta’s house, Goddess of Fortune, Laxmi, herself resides and the house becomes vaikuntha or abode of Lord Vishnu.
Please note carefully that we cannot aspire for Higher Worlds or make spiritual progress if we are achievers outside but are failing in our primary duty in the Grihasta Ashram. How seriously then must we take up the matters of rectifying the mistakes in our household life!

It is a challenging task to build right channels of communication when you are carrying bitter hurts & deep scars from the relationship because your deep need to be understood rightly has not been fulfilled. But there is hope, there is hope if you are willing to give up your ‘victim’ stance and allow healing measures to be brought into the relationship. Healing happens automatically when good communication is reestablished.

The most important thing you have to do if you feel you are the ‘victim’ in your relationship is to release those emotions that you’ve bottled up and start expressing what is in your mind!

It could be that you do not get sufficient opportunity in your relationship to express yourself? Many a times we mistake “tolerance” for “agreeing to everything” that the other person says & thereby refrain from expressing our minds to our spouse or may be it is a trait you borrowed from your childhood wherein you had a mother or a father who did not have the opportunity to
express himself or herself much to his/her spouse. Whatever the reason is, if you are not able to express yourself or state clearly what is in your mind & keep it concealed from your spouse, two things happen–one is frustration sets in you. The more you ‘do not express,’ the more ‘hurt’ you accumulate, to the point that you finally have to explode one day & you begin to express yourself in a heavily negative manner i,e in an accusatory/blaming manner. The other is that your spouse remains clueless about what is going on in your mind & does not know how to react to your bitterness and at best, harsh words are exchanged leaving you more ‘hurt’ and more ‘dissatisfied’ in the relationship.

Therefore, for a healthy relationship, it is of utmost importance that both the parties must learn to express their mind & heart and in doing so must clarify their individual ‘needs’ to each other, in the right (positive) manner so that the other person is able to understand you and do the needful & that you start feeling fulfilled in your relationship. Remember, in a marriage, both have equal right to say, ‘I dont agree’ and save long term consequence of bottled up frustrations, but it must be said in a manner that does not hurt the other person.

If you think you cannot express your mind to your spouse without being sharp, critical or angry i,e without a negative undertone, then it is best to begin by writing down your thoughts and feelings. Writing down your thoughts will give you enough time to modulate your emotions i,e edit what is negative & put forth your point in a more positive tone so that your spouse is able to understand, appreciate & take further steps to rectify the situation. You can also ensure that your point is heard completely by your spouse.

HINT: Learn to express your emotions without blaming the other person. For eg: Instead of saying, “You always hurt me by not listening to me.” you can say, “I feel hurt when someone does not listen to me. I request you to listen to me when I have something to say.”

Listening to your spouse is an art that many of us fail at. By listening carefully & without any biases to your spouse’s point of view or to his/her feelings/ramblings of the day, you show that you care & your spouse feels understood by you. Listening is an art because when you listen you have to be non-judgmental! Believe me, its a challenge to not throw in our opinion or solution when another person is speaking…try it! However, listening to your spouse is the only way to let him/her know that you understand! So, imagine the damage you are causing to the relationship every time you are preoccupied with some other thought/task when your spouse is speaking or have a bored/tired expression or dismiss what he/she has to say without giving it much thought!

While we are learning to express ourselves more positively, it is also equally important to be repentant for all the negativity that was caused by you, harsh words that you have hurled at him/her or for your careless attitude. This step goes ahead of all the other steps as nothing disarms the other & opens him/her to you than a well timed genuine apology.

It is also important to acknowledge the good things in your marriage, especially showing gratitude to your spouse. It positively reinforces loving feelings between the couple and sets a chain of positive feelings rolling. You have to do it sincerely and not just for the sake of it. You can also write a thank you note or use sms, to thank your spouse for the little ordinary things that he/she
does everyday for you.

Reestablishing a loving relationship with your spouse must be your top most priority. Nobody else will do it for you and it won’t be easy at all. But if you stay determined & give your sincere best, the Lord who is in the heart of everyone will enable it. Remember to always keep the communication lines open between the two of you and resolve your past hurts in good times by forgiving small & big hurts and taking stock of your own feelings every now and then.

However, if you or your spouse are unable to resolve your differences on your own, seek help from a neutral person who is an expert at solving relationship problems. Eg: a marriage counsellor. The counsellor will help you air out your grievances in a healthy manner, help re-build the cords of communication & both of you will discover a new meaningful life of togetherness!

In this context, Radhanath Swami has beautifully summarized in one of his lectures that the focus, the centre of your relationship should be to create a favorable environment to lead spiritual lives. In order to do so, there has to be a spirit of service between the two of you. That service should be offered with affection and care. And especially with tolerance. In this age, tolerance is most required, because by the nature of this age when two egos come together, there is bound to be conflict. There will be disagreements and misunderstandings, and as time goes on, certain things about each other will become disgusting and there will be great disagreements. It is inevitable. The sanctity of your marriage will be based on how you don’t take these differences very seriously.

– Mrs. Preethi Dhiman

…Read Articles in preethi’s Blog

The couple went into the counsellor’s chambers and both of them were determined that they didn’t want to be in this marriage because they didn’t feel love for each other and there was growing animosity with each passing day. The wife said she didn’t sense his commitment to their marriage from the beginning and the husband argued for hours on how each time he was reminded that love is not just a feeling but it’s a commitment.

The counsellor, ripe with age and wisdom clarified, “I do not agree that feelings are unimportant, and there is only commitment. I do believe, however, that commitment should lead the day. Feelings are an important part of the relationship. But feelings come and go. However, commitment is the glue that holds the relationship together. “Love” is choosing to love someone, not just a feeling. I cannot create emotions, as you note. But I can choose to act lovingly when the emotions aren’t there.”

“Are feelings worthless? Absolutely not! But feelings and emotions are fickle. They come and go. The marriage vows are built on commitment through thick-and-thin. We don’t make a promise to ‘love as long as I feel that emotion.’ We promise to love through good and bad times, up and down times, healthy and sick days! We make those vows because we know the emotion will not always be there, so we promise to work through that.”

Marriage experts point out that one of the several possibilities that gets in the way of loving couples is unaddressed anger and resentment built-up over time.

Let’s look at how resentment builds up in a relationship. At the root of it, resentment stems mostly from childhood hurts or hurts from past lifetimes (as past life regressors put it). When you carry hurts from your childhood such as feeling unimportant, not valued, rejected, accused, guilty, powerless, inadequate or being unlovable–such hurts leave impressions in the unconscious mind that distort your view of current reality. When someone triggers one of your deep set hurt, recognizing the pain it might cause you, you immediately want to escape it and thereby take shelter in blaming the other or getting angry and abusive with the one whose action is hurting you. So, people blaming one another are just trying to relieve the pain of their deep set hurts.

Such deep-set hurts create alongside a deep need. A need which turns into expectation in a relationship i,e the person who is carrying a deep-set hurt expects the other person to treat him/her in a certain manner. When the other person fails to treat him/her in that manner, the deep need is unfulfilled and it leads to resentment. Resentment arises from unfulfilled needs. Note that if the expectation is not connected to a deep-set hurt, it will not lead to resentment.

In a husband-wife relationship, need for affection, appreciation, loyalty are some of the deep needs. When such deep needs are not met, there is scope for blaming, anger, and subsequently resentment. When there is resentment, there is blame. When we blame someone, some part of us feels relieved, isn’t it? Unfortunately, blame does not cure the pain, it only masks it for a while. If we are extremely conscious of our acts, we can know that by accepting our part responsibly and by developing a magnanimous heart to forgive the other person of his faults, can we truly experience relief from the pain that bothers the heart.

In his ‘Life of Total Forgiveness’ seminar, Mahatma Das, a monk & renunciant in the Gaudiya Vaishnava tradition says, resentment is not about what was done to you but about how you responded to what was done to you. He says anger, blame and resentment are emotions on the surface & mostly we are in touch with only these emotions. But if we dig a little more deeper, they have their root in more difficult feelings such as hurt, sadness and disappointment. He advices the participants that healing deep-set hurts is possible when we do a deep emotional excavation and release the emotional tension that we are holding onto by forgiving the person who hurt us. He says, resentment is about you being right and the other being wrong. As long as you need to be right, you won’t forgive. As long as you need to tell others how wrong your offender was, you won’t forgive. When it
comes to forgiving, being right is wrong!

Different ways help different people. When a spouse feels deeply understood and cared for, he or she is able to release some deep hurts. For some people intellectually understanding the direct negative implications on one’s own physical, emotional, mental and spiritual health helps. It is said that resentment is like drinking poison and hoping that the other person will die. If we are holding onto resentment and are not willing to let go of it, we carry it forward to many more lifetimes until one day we have give it up by forgiving the other person. Healers vouch that what we are dealing with in this lifetime, we did not handle it well in our past lifetime. Karmically too, when you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free. A.C.Bhaktivedanta Swami Prabhupada said, ‘Don’t be angry with the agent of your karma.’

Sincere forgiveness isn’t colored with expectations that the other person apologize or change. Don’t worry whether or not they finally understand you. Love them and release them. Life feeds back truth to people in its own way and time. They say to forgive is divine! It is the highest, most beautiful form of love. In return, you will receive untold peace and happiness.

‘As difficult as it seems, you can be sure of this: At the core of the heart, you have the power to move beyond the old issues that are still hindering your freedom. The hardest things–the ones that push you up against your limits–are the very things you need to address to make a quantum leap into a fresh inner and outer life.’ – Doc Childre and Howard Martin

Radhanath Swami in his discourse on forgiveness defines love as the capacity to endlessly forgive. He explains at length how our inability to make the choice to forgive, creates pain suffering and chaos, not only in the lives of others but ours too! Without forgiveness, no relationship can be satisfying. This is the real secret of successful relationships–the ability to forgive the other unconditionally! He says that this quality of forgiveness is more illuminating than the light of the sun and those who have that ability to forgive are invested with the power to access the mercy and the love of god.

– Mrs. Preethi Dhiman

…Read Articles in preethi’s Blog