Tag: affection

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Mid-marriage crisis!

Mid-marriage crisis!

Mid-marriage crisis!Oflate, I’m witnessing many unhealthy trends in marriage. While some are trying to live in uncomfortable zones in a marriage, i,e brushing the issues under the carpet, many others are calling it quits! Three of my close family friends’ marriage is on the rocks. One couple is living separately from the past two years and is contemplating divorce and the other two have fresh scars of separation.

But what troubles me most is when two adults come together and take the sacred vow of marriage and commitment to each other, they somehow miss to carry with them the essential ingredients that will enable them to keep those vows in the long run and soon their relationship becomes one transaction after another with no real depth to it. Many of us get so caught up in pleasing the many
people in our lives that the one person that matters the most in our lives takes the brunt of it all in form of your neglect!

You might be operating under the aura of ‘well, all that I’m doing is for him/her!’…but my friend, is it understood and appreciated in the same manner by him/her? There are many tell-tale signs of trouble brewing in your marriage, one of which is when both of you are running different schedules (packed & hectic too) & there is not much overlap time. I see many couples, young and old
grappling with this issue–they have too many things on their plates, more than they can chew comfortably.

It is well known that the path to a relationship breakdown is littered with small choices that lead relentlessly away from commitment and partnership towards a different priority or interest. It is the accumulation of these seemingly insignificant choices that draw a person way off course until they suddenly wake up to what is going on, and wonder how they got to where they now find themselves. So, take heed when things are still under control.

It becomes primary that the husband and wife maintain a healthy channel of communication between them. Thumb rule that a good communication system exists between the husband and the wife is when the husband feels he is rightly understood by the wife and the wife feels she is rightly understood and cared for by the husband. But, as time passes and as life gets busier loaded with increased responsibilities for both husband and the wife, the channel of communication becomes weaker and weaker, because of which there might creep in a certain level of dissatisfaction in either or both the parties. When this development is not arrested by taking time to hear each other out, the dissatisfaction keeps piling up, which keeps eroding all previous good credits & when the balance goes negative, such piled up dissatisfaction erupts in the mode of bitter fights whenever one is confronted with a difference of opinion.

Off course, when two people come together, there is bound to be difference of opinion. That is not the problem, but how you deal with the differences is all about a healthy or an unhealthy relationship. When differences lead one to bitter fights and hurts are kept locked inside the heart, that is when a relationship can be termed as unhealthy.

If you are reading this, please examine your own life pattern. Is your spouse happy with the quality of time you spend with him/her? Have you established a healthy channel of communication with him/her? Do either of you feel unloved or uncared for by your spouse? Is there any kind of bitterness expressed by your spouse towards you or by you towards your spouse? Are there accumulated hurts & resentments locked up within you?

If the answer to any of the above question is yes, then you have eroded lines of communication between the two of you and the onus is on you to rectify it by re-establishing the cords of healthy communication between you.

The primary duty of the householder in Grihasta Ashram is to fulfill all the needs of his wife and children. Similarly, the primary duty of a wife is to serve her husband and follow in his footsteps & bring up children in a loving atmosphere. It is said that in such a grihasta’s house, Goddess of Fortune, Laxmi, herself resides and the house becomes vaikuntha or abode of Lord Vishnu.
Please note carefully that we cannot aspire for Higher Worlds or make spiritual progress if we are achievers outside but are failing in our primary duty in the Grihasta Ashram. How seriously then must we take up the matters of rectifying the mistakes in our household life!

It is a challenging task to build right channels of communication when you are carrying bitter hurts & deep scars from the relationship because your deep need to be understood rightly has not been fulfilled. But there is hope, there is hope if you are willing to give up your ‘victim’ stance and allow healing measures to be brought into the relationship. Healing happens automatically when good communication is reestablished.

The most important thing you have to do if you feel you are the ‘victim’ in your relationship is to release those emotions that you’ve bottled up and start expressing what is in your mind!

It could be that you do not get sufficient opportunity in your relationship to express yourself? Many a times we mistake “tolerance” for “agreeing to everything” that the other person says & thereby refrain from expressing our minds to our spouse or may be it is a trait you borrowed from your childhood wherein you had a mother or a father who did not have the opportunity to
express himself or herself much to his/her spouse. Whatever the reason is, if you are not able to express yourself or state clearly what is in your mind & keep it concealed from your spouse, two things happen–one is frustration sets in you. The more you ‘do not express,’ the more ‘hurt’ you accumulate, to the point that you finally have to explode one day & you begin to express yourself in a heavily negative manner i,e in an accusatory/blaming manner. The other is that your spouse remains clueless about what is going on in your mind & does not know how to react to your bitterness and at best, harsh words are exchanged leaving you more ‘hurt’ and more ‘dissatisfied’ in the relationship.

Therefore, for a healthy relationship, it is of utmost importance that both the parties must learn to express their mind & heart and in doing so must clarify their individual ‘needs’ to each other, in the right (positive) manner so that the other person is able to understand you and do the needful & that you start feeling fulfilled in your relationship. Remember, in a marriage, both have equal right to say, ‘I dont agree’ and save long term consequence of bottled up frustrations, but it must be said in a manner that does not hurt the other person.

If you think you cannot express your mind to your spouse without being sharp, critical or angry i,e without a negative undertone, then it is best to begin by writing down your thoughts and feelings. Writing down your thoughts will give you enough time to modulate your emotions i,e edit what is negative & put forth your point in a more positive tone so that your spouse is able to understand, appreciate & take further steps to rectify the situation. You can also ensure that your point is heard completely by your spouse.

HINT: Learn to express your emotions without blaming the other person. For eg: Instead of saying, “You always hurt me by not listening to me.” you can say, “I feel hurt when someone does not listen to me. I request you to listen to me when I have something to say.”

Listening to your spouse is an art that many of us fail at. By listening carefully & without any biases to your spouse’s point of view or to his/her feelings/ramblings of the day, you show that you care & your spouse feels understood by you. Listening is an art because when you listen you have to be non-judgmental! Believe me, its a challenge to not throw in our opinion or solution when another person is speaking…try it! However, listening to your spouse is the only way to let him/her know that you understand! So, imagine the damage you are causing to the relationship every time you are preoccupied with some other thought/task when your spouse is speaking or have a bored/tired expression or dismiss what he/she has to say without giving it much thought!

While we are learning to express ourselves more positively, it is also equally important to be repentant for all the negativity that was caused by you, harsh words that you have hurled at him/her or for your careless attitude. This step goes ahead of all the other steps as nothing disarms the other & opens him/her to you than a well timed genuine apology.

It is also important to acknowledge the good things in your marriage, especially showing gratitude to your spouse. It positively reinforces loving feelings between the couple and sets a chain of positive feelings rolling. You have to do it sincerely and not just for the sake of it. You can also write a thank you note or use sms, to thank your spouse for the little ordinary things that he/she
does everyday for you.

Reestablishing a loving relationship with your spouse must be your top most priority. Nobody else will do it for you and it won’t be easy at all. But if you stay determined & give your sincere best, the Lord who is in the heart of everyone will enable it. Remember to always keep the communication lines open between the two of you and resolve your past hurts in good times by forgiving small & big hurts and taking stock of your own feelings every now and then.

However, if you or your spouse are unable to resolve your differences on your own, seek help from a neutral person who is an expert at solving relationship problems. Eg: a marriage counsellor. The counsellor will help you air out your grievances in a healthy manner, help re-build the cords of communication & both of you will discover a new meaningful life of togetherness!

In this context, Radhanath Swami has beautifully summarized in one of his lectures that the focus, the centre of your relationship should be to create a favorable environment to lead spiritual lives. In order to do so, there has to be a spirit of service between the two of you. That service should be offered with affection and care. And especially with tolerance. In this age, tolerance is most required, because by the nature of this age when two egos come together, there is bound to be conflict. There will be disagreements and misunderstandings, and as time goes on, certain things about each other will become disgusting and there will be great disagreements. It is inevitable. The sanctity of your marriage will be based on how you don’t take these differences very seriously.

– Mrs. Preethi Dhiman

…Read Articles in preethi’s Blog

 

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Blog Relationships

What a woman wants

What a woman wants

What a woman wantsA friend called me the other day and confided in me that she is exasperated and is at her wits ends and does not know what to do. She seemed quite depressed as well. So, I asked her to come over for a chat. She grabbed the proposal and was at my door in an hour’s time. When we sat down to speak, all she managed was to cry and much later she told me, ‘my husband, he just does not care to listen to me!’ The poor woman, I realized, had such pent up emotions locked up within herself, which had never found a vent.

A woman needs emotional support from her husband as much as he needs physical intimacy from his wife. A couple needs to strike a balance by meeting each of their needs. A woman can read cues from her husband’s actions and behavior and know his needs exactly but where she goes wrong is in expecting the husband to read her actions and behavior to know her needs and fulfill it. Irrespective of the number of years in marriage, the husband is unable to know ‘what the woman really wants?’ Its a big mystery for him
because it is not his area of expertise, so to say, to read the ‘mind’ of his wife and so he draws a blank, everytime he attempts to fulfill his wife’s need.

To make matters worse, a woman is not enabled to be articulate about her needs, so, she ‘expects’ her husband to know it somehow and when the need is not fulfilled, one can expect an emotional outburst which is generally termed as ‘anger.’ Remember, she has been created an emotional being and therefore, she looks for emotional fulfillment but when she does not find it, the emotions are bottled up and when it reaches the brim, it has to burst out. has to vent out her bottled up emotions unless ofcourse she has a very fulfilling and satisfactory relationship with her husband.

I have a question for all the husbands here. What do you do when your wife bursts out crying during a discussion/ argument?

Well, most likely the wife expects some emotional support from her husband and the plea comes in form of tears but what happens is that generally the man does not know how to deal with emotions. Whenever he is put in an emotionally charged situation, he would like to be left alone. So thinking, he walks away, imagining it to be the best solution. He hardly knows that her tears are in the first place because of feeling ‘alone,’ and if he walks away from her now, she will feel more alone and depressed.

Digging a little deeper, we find that, as little boys they are constantly fed the idea that crying is silly behavior. So, men grow up with this wrong notion and by the time they enter wedlock, their emotional side has mostly eased out of them. They also do not have much training in how they can deal with other’s emotions. Men may think that they can do without this skill but trust me this skill will help you keep your marriage going! This is true because, when a woman finds an emotionally supportive husband, she does wonders to her marriage. You not only gain her confidence and loyalty automatically but you will that she will walk that extra mile to please you, keep the house neat and tidy, bring up the kids in a loving atmosphere, cook nice meals for the family, respect your parents and support you in all your endeavors. Who does not want such a wife? But it will all be yours with a little investment into finding out what pleases your wife the most by addressing her emotional needs.

Do you remember a time when you sat beside your wife, wiped her tears dry and consoled her with sweet words of reassurance that she will always find you besides her whenever she needs you the most. When was the last time you did it? Let me guess, probably when you met her first! And why did you do that? Because it pleased her the most when you said it. Isn’t it? So, what stops you from doing it now? Think deeply about it & you could solve a major jigsaw puzzle in your life!

Every woman’s emotional need is different. To make matters simple for you, I have listed down 3 broad categories of what a woman wants the most from her husband (not in any particular order of priority). This has been culled out of Willard F. Harley, Jr.‘s international best selling book ‘His Needs Her Needs’ wherein he lists out his widely researched emotional needs of spouses and provides a questionnaire to find out your most important emotional need and how effective your spouse is in dealing with this need.

1. Conversation (talking about events of the day, personal feelings, and plans for the future; showing interest in her favorite topics of conversation; balancing conversation; using it to inform, investigate, and understand her) Conversation has three most vital aspects to it-

a. Listening: Just listen to her! Listen and not wait for your turn to talk. Most women just want to be heard, not advised. And most men want to fix, rather than do nothing. So the idea of providing “support” by plain listening, as women want can be difficult to grasp. When she is sharing her day today happenings etc, she doesn’t want you to solve her problems or tell her how to handle it, she just needs you to listen and be sympathetic.
b. Undivided attention (Stop talking to your spouse or answering her questions while answering to an email or while reading the newspaper or while answering another phone call. Donot multi-task! Sit down and look her in the face and actively listen.)
c. Being non-judgmental She needs to know you will not feel or think differently about her for expressing herself. Provide her that forum.

2. Affection & intimacy (the expression of love in words and action, creating an environment that clearly and repeatedly expresses love free from the distinctively sensual element. Creating an intimate space to brings about a sense of fulfillment and feeling of togetherness-need not be sensual).

3. Domestic Support (creation of a home environment for you that offers a refuge from the stresses of life; management of the home and care of the children— including but not limited to cooking meals, washing dishes, washing and ironing clothes, housecleaning etc).

Other needs listed in his book include Admiration, Family Commitment, Financial Support, Sexual Fulfillment, Recreational Companionship, Honesty & openness, An Attractive Spouse. You can find the questionnaire at http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forms/enq.pdf

You can research along with your spouse on her most important emotional needs and work out a commitment plan either stated or unstated and work towards a more healthier married life! Trust me, the very fact that you are genuinely interested in knowing her emotional needs will get her immediately on your side.

Radhanath Swami often gets the newly married couple promise each other that the wife will always be on the side of her husband and the husband will never see a tear in his wife’s eye. He adds that love means to serve and to serve means to please. So, when we serve each other by pleasing each other in our marriage, our home becomes Vaikuntha.

On a secondary note, men are entitled to their emotions–to feel and to express them as well. It does not make you less manly if you do, rather it goes a long way in creating a more beautiful relationship in your marriage.

– Mrs. Preethi Dhiman

…Read Articles in preethi’s Blog

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Love

Hijacked

Hijacked

HijackedReal protection is an expression of real affection and respect – Radhanath Swami.

In the middle of nowhere, guns staring at my face, masked men sneering me, with no escape route, helpless. I was held hostage, because the flight I boarded got, yes, hijacked! Thank God, the alarm clock rescued me. Getting married is like boarding a plane to spiritual perfection. If we sincerely practice spiritual principles like chanting the names of God, and if we surround ourselves with the association of advanced devotees of God, then it’s certain that we would be able to continue our journey to spiritual perfection. The association of devotees, their prayers for us, and the chanting of the Holy Names of God provide us super-tight security for our married journey through life.

If we truly love each other, we must protect one another. Real protection is an expression of real affection and respect, Radhanath Swami remarks. Real protection is protection not only of the body and mind, but of the soul as well. No doubt that a certain amount of enjoyment and comforts are natural to married life. But the relationship must be seen as a facilitator for serving God. With such a purposeful existence, married couples can bring about astonishingly significant positive changes not only in their own lives, but also in the lives of those they interact with.

But such a life is possible only if we have the association of devotees. The illusory temporary pleasures of this world are always trying to hijack our propensity for devotion. If we are not strict in following the spiritual principles and regulations, hijackers will surely board our plane. They will board through our uncontrolled mind and senses. And they will force this airship of human life to go to forbidden places – where all we do is try to enjoy material life and become attached to such illusory enjoyment. As long as we are thus held captive by our material attachments, we are helpless hostages.

Radhanath Swami spurs us on: Make your homes and lives beautiful temples where together you can serve the Lord. Come together in the spirit of cooperation. Try to serve each other and help others come in touch with devotees. Thus, have a very safe and comfortable spiritual flight to perfection.

The holy sound of the chanting of the Holy Names every day, along with regular hearing from the Holy Scriptures in the association of pure souls, is the only way to awaken from the nightmare of being hijacked by gross materialism.

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Love

Give to Get

Give to Get“Love is the process of conquering and getting conquered” – Radhanath Swami.

Relationships can sometimes become dry. Very often the reason is simple: the watering of the relationship has stopped. For relationships to grow, they need to be watered by care, affection, and time. For some reason or the other, e.g. busy work schedules, if the husband and wife are not able to get enough time to reciprocate with each other, the relationship begins to dry up. The partners, even if living under the same roof, start feeling lonely, unloved.

If we do not feel loved, it’s probably because we are not showing love enough. If we do not feel respected, it is probably because we are not showing respect enough. Human nature is to reciprocate. If we are impersonal, mechanical and shallow in our dealings with our spouse, then he or she will just reflect back the same sentiments. If we do not show care and affection, he or she will be indifferent too. This is human nature. Our behavior towards others withdraws certain qualities. If we insult others, we draw out their anger. If we praise others, we might draw out their pride. But if we are affectionate to others, we can draw out affection. The fix is to proactively be the person we want the other to be.

“I have not found anyone who is caring, loving, and affectionate, but who has still not received love in return. In giving, we receive.” — Radhanath Swami.

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Blog Relationships

Marriage is like walking on egg shells

Happy marriage

Happy marriage Have you ever felt that you are treading on egg shells in your married life? That is, when you feel that you never know when your husband or wife can yell or express disappointment at your behavior, or when you can never understand what reaction to expect. It can be very, very difficult. I know of one couple who always have a misunderstanding or an argument at the end of every sentence. It might seem like an exaggeration but it’s true. In fact, this is quite common and can happen to the best of couples. Maybe it has something to do with staying together too closely for a long time — and that leads to a lot of friction.  But then, after a certain point it becomes too much!

Now, you may wonder what the solution for this problem is. It all boils down to good communication skills. Communication skills are most important for maintaining good relations with your spouse. For ex., how do you respond to your partner when you disagree with what he/she has told you? What if your spouse does something that you don’t like? Do you yell? Give them the silent treatment? Or find ways to punish your spouse?

The response we offer when we disagree or when we are frustrated can have a big impact on the relationship. Recognizing our typical patterns is the first step in deciding how we are impacting the relationship. Think of the last few disagreements and look at how you responded. Examine what you were hoping would happen as a result of your behaviors. For example, did you give the silent treatment for a day in hopes that your spouse “would learn their lesson?” If so, did it work?

Keeping the communication channels open always is most important in a marriage. Mostly out of frustration people tend to complain, criticize or compare with others which lead to further problems. So instead of complaining or criticizing one should express one’s need in a positive and direct way. For example, a wife who wants more help around the house says, “I always have to do everything around here and no one else lifts a finger.” This is not likely to motivate her husband to spring into action and help her clean. However, she could make a direct request such as, “could you please do the dishes tonight?”

Communication that involves attacking your partner will not yield positive results. Instead, it is likely to create more problems for the relationship. Attacking your partner verbally may include obvious forms such as name calling, or it may include more subtle forms in an attempt to manipulate your partner.

Name calling is never productive. Avoid the “you” messages that blame the other person. Statements such as “you never do what I want to do,” are not likely to be helpful. Instead, “I” statements such as “I feel hurt that we don’t ever get to visit my mother together” are more likely to lead to an open and honest discussion. “I” statements do not place blame but instead describe a feeling and can lead to a discussion that helps solve a problem.

So in this way, we see that marriage need not be a battle of words, but a comfortable relationship in which two individuals can express themselves with respect for each others views and desires. As Radhanath swami explains that a couple may have a beautiful house, nice car, so many servants, so much jewelry and furniture and fame and power within society but if the person’s affectionate relationship with his/her spouse is not proper then that person will be miserable no matter what. Everyone does get into arguments and misunderstanding, even children do. But the ‘big’ children are often more foolish than little children. Little children fight and make up when offered some sweet, but when elders fight, they may never be able to trust each other for the rest of their lives!!!

– Dr. Sandhya…Read Sandhya’s Blog

 

 

 

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Appreciate

The Wisdom of the Porcupines

God awards those who weathered all their differences to base their life on a higher principle, with deep affection and love for each other. Then marriage becomes a wonderful experience.-Radhanath Swami

 

To forget our mundane differences or to learn to tolerate them with a sense of responsibility towards each other becomes very easy when we lead a life with a higher goal. And when that higher goal is directed towards love of God, we gradually develop faith and loyalty towards each other. We soon become the best of friends, and those little differences seem much more tolerable than before.

 

A story: one winter, many animals died because of cold. The porcupines, realizing the situation, decided to group together. This way they covered and protected themselves; but the quills of each one wounded their closest companions even though they gave off heat to each other. Because they could not tolerate this pain after a while, they decided to distance themselves from the other and soon they began to die, alone and frozen. So they had to make a choice: either accept the quills of their companions or disappear from the Earth. Wisely, they decided to go back to being together and learned to live with the little wounds that were caused by the close relationship with their companion, but the most important part of it was the heat that came from the others. In this way they were able to survive.

 

Moral of the story: The best relationship is not the one that brings together perfect people, but the best is when each individual learns to live with the imperfections of others and can admire the other person’s good qualities. In other words: Learn to love the pricks in your life.