Tag: marriage

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Tolerate

Put It Down!

Put It Down!

Put It Down!The power to forgive is the sign of real inner strength and integrity – Radhanath Swami.

A professor began his class by holding up a glass with some water in it. He held it up for all to see and asked the students,’ How much do you think this glass weighs?’ ’50gms!’…. ‘100gms!’…..’125gms’…the students answered.

What would happen if I held it up like this for a few minutes? ‘Nothing’ the students said. ‘Ok what would happen if I held it up like this for an hour?’ the professor asked. ‘Your arm would begin to ache’ said one of the students.

You’re right, now what would happen if I held it for a day?’ ‘Your arm could go numb, you might have severe muscle stress and paralysis and have to go to hospital for sure!’ ventured another student and all the students laughed. ‘Very good. But during all this, did the weight of the glass change?’ asked the professor. ‘No’ ‘Then what caused the arm ache and the muscle stress?’ ‘Put the glass down!’ said one of the students.

We have seen many marriages marred by old scars of misunderstandings and unmet expectations. Just like young kids, young relationships are also very impressionable. Before the strong bond of camaraderie has formed between the spouses, any little
point can scratch the relationship. And if the little wound is not nursed and the emotional bleeding not arrested immediately, the innocuous looking episode can lead to permanent scars. Scars don’t hurt physically, but their very sight reminds us of the episode that caused them; and that hurts, over and over again, forever.

The professor just taught the students a priceless lesson. Put it down! Don’t carry the day’s small disagreements on your mind for days. Perhaps your spouse was harsh today, perhaps he or she needled your weak spot. That doesn’t make him or her your worst enemy. Yes, it hurt, but talk it out and get done with it. If not addressed immediately, you will find yourself referring to this one old silly incident years afterwards. Years of carrying it would have artificially blown up the issue out of proportions – just as the glass’s weight “increased” after holding it for long.

Radhanath Swami explains that the nature of the mind is that it’s never satisfied. The mind can’t tolerate any little opposition. It expects more and more from the partner. And the more you expect, the more you suffer. Humility is the divine virtue that brings gratitude and inner satisfaction. It bestows the sublime quality of forgiveness. As long as we hold grudges against people who we think have done something wrong to us, that hard feeling is like a fire that burns our very soul. It is miserable to hold grudges against our spouse.

Radhanath Swami concludes: Forgiveness is real power. Holding grudges is a sign of weakness and cripple-mindedness. The power to forgive is the sign of real inner strength and integrity.

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Blog Relationships

Believe in Yourself – No matter what He says!

Believe in Yourself- No matter what He says!

Believe in Yourself- No matter what He says!Most women face this day-in and day-out in their roles as house wives, mothers and daughter- in- laws: being placed under a microscope 24/7; observed, corrected, judged, and sometimes ridiculed. It is too much for one person to take. But somehow it becomes a part of your job as a wife, mother and daughter-in-law all rolled into one. And the people whom we are trained to please from our very childhood are our dear husbands, our in-laws (more difficult than qualifying for Guinness Records) and sometimes even our kids.

Somewhere along the way, catering to everyone’s needs, wants and desires, your own needs and desires take a back seat. Along with all that we are tagged with labels such as “ she is no good”, “ she is too slow in her work”, “ her cooking is not up to the mark”, or simply “ why can’t she be on time”! Especially “HE” is someone who is the hardest to please. However much you bend backwards to serve him, he finds newer and newer disqualifications. So much so that after some time we start thinking maybe he is right….. “ there is nothing Great about me. Basically, I am a no-good wife, mother and daughter in law.” But No! That’s where we go wrong. We believe others more than we believe in ourselves.

As a woman you have to live up to and cater to the expectations of so many people in your life and that can get too much to take sometimes. And you cannot please everyone. By now you must have realized this plain and simple fact. It all boils down to attitude. Successful housewives are those who have a completely chilled out attitude towards life, where they don’t let anything bog them down. A woman with an attitude will never let the bickering from her husband get to her. I know of one such person, my friend’s mother. I would visit her regularly and one common feature I would see was her husband go on and on about how inefficient she was. He would find faults with her from the moment she woke up in the morning. “Tea has so less sugar”, “where my breakfast ”,“ why is the shirt not ironed” and “you always make me late to work” etc. For me, if someone went on and on like that it would get to my nerves in a jiffy and produce a really unpleasant reaction. But I would see this woman, how patiently she would smile and say “Oh how foolish of me, I will just make it right” and she would actually smile through the whole thing. What an amazing level of tolerance. Anyone would think, “She is so backward. She cannot even stand for herself.” But over the years I have seen how her attitude of always seeing the good and not getting bogged down by all the criticism aimed at her has always kept her in good spirits. More than that, she gradually earned the respect of her husband, who stopped criticizing her in due course of time. And today he does not take one decision without first consulting her and has so much regard for her.

If we analyze the whole thing, we realize that she was not affected by all the criticism as she believed in her capabilities and did not let HIS words affect her self esteem. She had enough self respect to never react or get angry with her husband. And eventually she got him to behave himself! Now that’s what I call a Lady who believes in herself!

– Dr. Sandhya Subramanian

…Read Articles in Sandhya’s Blog

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Blog Relationships

With great power comes great responsibility!

With great power comes great responsibility!

Great-Power-and-great-ResponsibilityThe Vedic Scriptures declare that a woman must be under the shelter of her father before marriage and her husband after marriage. A woman can vouch for it more than anybody else. Because, she needs to feel secure, she needs to feel cared! What does it translate to for the husband?

If you are like the boss who expects his employee to perform exceeding his expectation but tries to keep his employee’s demands at bay; i.e., if you are unconsciously preoccupied trying to keep your wife’s demands at bay rather than being totally committed to meeting her needs, regardless of the cost, you will only end up with a frustrated wife.

Rather, if you were like a sensitive, caring employer and you walked up to your employee and said, “You know, I’ve really been thinking about you lately. I wonder if there is anything I can provide for you to make your job more enjoyable. Also, am I paying you enough?” That would be any employee’s dream. Well, every woman’s dream is to have a husband who will manifest the same attitude.

‘Love’ and ‘care’ are action oriented verbs. So, you need to make deposits in that love bank to withdraw ‘love’ and ‘care’ from it. But are you one of those husbands who even today are in the dark as to what it takes to care for your wife in the right way? Don’t worry, your worries are no more!

Well, the secret is in satisfying her emotional need! When the emotional need of the woman is met, she feels loved and cared for in a relationship and is the happiest person around, but when it is not met, to put it mildly, she is a fireball! But what really is this emotional need of a woman? Emotional needs are different for different people. For one, it could be the daily 15 minute help in the kitchen during the rush hour, for another it could be help in maintaining a ‘tidy’ house, fulfilling a family commitment for another, admiration or affection for some, doing something together (domestic or recreational) for another. It could be one or more of these.

However, every woman I know of wants an intimate space from her husband for a heart-to-heart talk at the end of the day. A woman has the basic need to express her feelings and emotions (sometimes pent up!) and she has the need to talk about it to someone who can listen with an open mind, without trying to offer solutions. A woman experiences fulfillment through sharing and relating. A husband who realizes this fact can make room in his life to allow his wife to be expressive while he can be a good ‘listener.’ Do you know that the most common complaint of women world-over is that their husbands don’t listen? You can also develop a deeper bond with your wife if you open up to her with your own emotions and feelings. Many men have a hard time ‘opening up’ to women but note that this is an important part of a woman’s need, i.e., to feel that the two of you have a deep emotional connection.

When this emotional connection is established, you see magic happen! Your wife will feel secure and deeply satisfied in your marriage and what’s more you will have your wife always on your side, eager to serve you and care for you! You will be pleasantly surprised by how well your wife responds to her new atmosphere of security.

But a man often fears what his wife will do when he makes himself totally available to meet her needs. Let me tell you—that is the last thing to fear. You simply cannot imagine what a woman will do for her man if he will envelope her in an atmosphere of total security by laying down his selfish ways to meet her needs. Simply because you have become humble and have committed yourself to meeting your wife’s needs doesn’t mean you lose your authority or manhood. True and lasting authority is built, not broken, upon the foundation of sacrificial servanthood. It is true leadership by example.

Now, did I now give you the hard task of identifying your wife’s unique emotional need? Hmm, its pretty simple to find out. Just ask her with a genuine concern and she will detail it out for you but once you have made a commitment to her, stand by it! A woman can discern instinctively if her husband truly is caring for her.

Whenever Radhanath Swami solemnizes marriage, he always maintains that the primary duty of the husband is to protect his wife throughout her life, to protect her physically by providing the comforts and needs and to protect her emotionally by giving her appreciation and showing his genuine concern for her welfare in all aspects of her life and to spiritually protect her by giving all facilities to her for her own spiritual progress & being a good example himself.

I hope that you are able to find some cues herein on your journey of togetherness and that the journey becomes sweeter. In case you want me to elaborate on anything specific, please feel free to leave a note in reply. Take care!

– Mrs. Preethi Dhiman

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Blog Relationships

Marriage is like walking on egg shells!!!

Marriage is like walking on egg shells!!!Have you ever felt that you are treading on egg shells in your married life? That is, when you feel that you never know when your husband or wife can yell or express disappointment at your behavior, or when you can never understand what reaction to expect. It can be very, very difficult. I know of one couple who always have a misunderstanding or an argument at the end of every sentence. It might seem like an exaggeration but it’s true. In fact, this is quite common and can happen to the best of couples.

What is the solution for this problem? It all boils down to good communication skills. Communication skills are most important for maintaining good relations with your spouse. For ex., how do you respond to your partner when you disagree with what he/she has told you? What if your spouse does something that you don’t like? Do you yell? Give them the silent treatment? Or find ways to punish your spouse?

The response we offer when we disagree or when we are frustrated can have a big impact on the relationship. Recognizing our typical patterns is the first step in deciding how we are impacting the relationship. Think of the last few disagreements and look at how you responded. Examine what you were hoping would happen as result of your behaviors. For example, did you give the silent treatment for a day in hopes that your spouse “would learn their lesson?” If so, did it work?

Keeping the communication channels open always is most important in a marriage. Mostly, out of frustration people tend to complain, criticize or compare with others which lead to further problems. So instead of complaining or criticizing one should express one’s need in a positive and direct way. For example, a wife who wants more help around the house says, “I always have to do everything around here and no one else lifts a finger.” This is not likely to motivate her husband to spring into action and help her clean. However, she could make a direct request such as, “could you please do the dishes tonight?”

Communication that involves attacking your partner will not yield positive results. Instead, it is likely to create more problems for the relationship. Attacking your partner verbally may include obvious forms such as name calling, or it may include more subtle forms in an attempt to manipulate your partner.

Name calling is never productive. Avoid the “you” messages that blame the other person. Statements such as “you never do what I want to do,” are not likely to be helpful. Instead, “I” statements such as “I feel hurt that we don’t ever get to visit my mother together” are more likely to lead to an open and honest discussion. “I” statements do not place blame but instead describe a feeling and can lead to a discussion that helps solve a problem.

So in this way, we see that marriage need not be a battle of words, but a comfortable relationship in which two individuals can express themselves with respect for each others views and desires.

Radhanath Swami says, “a couple may have a beautiful house, nice car, so many servants, so much jewelry and furniture and fame and power within society but if the person’s affectionate relationship with his or her spouse is not proper then that person will be miserable no matter what. Everyone does have arguments and misunderstanding; even children do. But these big children are more foolish than little children. Little children fight and make up when offered some sweet, but when elders fight, they may never be able to trust each other for the rest of their lives!!!”

– Dr. Sandhya Subramanian

…Read Articles in Sandhya’s Blog

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Blog Relationships

Ding Dong Bell, Come Join us in the Well!!

Ding Dong Bell Come Join us in the Well!!Hello to all those in the “Well of Married life”. I crack this joke whenever I wish a couple on their marriage day: “Ding dong Bell! One more down the well!!” Please don’t baulk at this, for it does make people laugh! But it also makes them think that we are all in the same boat together sailing either towards paradise or towards hell, and now it is for us to decide what we want. Our married life can be a life of sacrifice uniting us for the higher purpose of serving God or it can be just a business arrangement to fulfill our selfish needs and desires.

But one thing is a fact. We are all united with a common thread. For example, when ladies meet
together there are few topics which everyone connects with immediately: husband and children, in-laws
and outlaws (nickname for in-laws :P.) My sister-in-law is very active in the kitty party scene. That’s the
place where ladies come together and have a good time discussing their husbands (or rather gossiping
about them.) Everyone has a good laugh, and everyone discovers the common traits among husbands.

1.They don’t like to be given directions while driving.
2.They love to throw wet towels on the bed after bath.
3.They don’t like to be told that they are wrong.
4.You have to agree unanimously with them that women are worst drivers.

5.Laugh at all their jokes (even though they are not so funny.)
6.Remember the account of all the shopping in the past month like a computer.
7.They think that if the children are doing badly in studies it’s because of wives and if they
excel it is because of them.
8. Expect the wife to take care of all the shopping, groceries, and provisions, get repairs done,
pay the bills, and teach the kids. (Still, they feel that wife is doing nothing!)
9. Throws a fit when told to do some housework.
10. And the list is endless… maybe some of you can add some more.

And I don’t know what men talk about when they meet. But I am sure they definitely don’t gossip about their wives. If we do ask them however, I am sure they may come up with a longer list about their wives, starting from nagging everyday to pick up the wet towel from the bed……. and it goes on…I won’t go in much detail about that.

Most married couples have the same problems. That’s what binds us together and so we are all connected with a common thread. So let us help each other to make our marriage a wonderful success and a happy experience. With this thought I would like to start a series of posts on how to understand the idiosyncrasies of each other, on how to tolerate and go ahead with a higher purpose of serving God and society by upholding the spiritual values and beliefs which we follow in our life.

– Dr. sandhya subramanian

…Read Articles in Sandhya’s Blog

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Appreciate

Wipe It Clean

Wipe It Clean“If we are eager to find faults in someone, by the Lord’s will, we will see unlimited faults within that person even if there are none. They will appear as glaring as the sun at noon.” – Radhanath Swami.

 

A young couple moved into a new neighborhood. The next morning, while they were having breakfast, the young woman saw her neighbor hang the wash outside. “That laundry is not very clean”, she said, “she doesn’t know how to wash properly. Perhaps she needs better laundry soap”. Her husband looked on, but remained silent. Every time her neighbor would hang her wash to dry, the young woman would make the same comments. About a month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband: “Look! She has learned how to wash properly. I wonder who taught her this.” The husband said: “I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows!”

Sometimes even spouses tend to compete with each other. Even after marriage the spouses think themselves to be independent persons and not part of a two-member team. “The Lord is seated within everyone’s heart and He reciprocates according to our desires”, explains Radhanath Swami. Yes, there is good and bad everywhere. If we are looking for good qualities in our spouse and opportunities to please him or her, the Lord will reveal them to us. But if we are looking for faults, due to envy born out of unnecessary competition, that’s all we will see. In fact, good qualities in the spouse will only make us more envious of them.

 

Before criticizing the spouse, we should consider the state of our mind. Are we eager to appreciate the spouse for all his or her good work, or are we eager to pass judgments on any little shortcoming? What we see when watching others depends on the purity of the window through which we look. To live a joyful and fulfilling married life, it’s important to clean the window of our heart so that we recognize the good in our partners. The best way of cleaning the window of our heart, wiping it clean of the filth of envy, is to regularly come together and chant the Holy Names of God.

Categories
Love

Stormy Happiness

“We are not made for each other, we are made for God!” – Radhanath Swami.

Happiness in ChoasA king once offered a prize to the artist who would paint the best picture of peace. Of the many entries, he shortlisted two. One was of a calm lake, a perfect mirror for the blue sky, fluffy clouds, and the towering mountains all around. The other picture had mountains too. But these were rugged and bare. Above was an angry sky from which rain fell and in which lightning played. Down the side of the mountain tumbled a foaming waterfall. This did not look peaceful at all. But on a closer look the king saw behind the waterfall a tiny bush growing in a crack in the rock. In that bush a mother bird had built her nest. There, in the midst of rushing angry waters, sat the mother bird on the nest—in perfect peace. The second picture won. The king explained that peace does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble, or hard work. Peace means to be in the midst of all those things and still be calm in your heart.

“Material life is about expectations,” Radhanath Swami notes. The more intimate the relationship, the more we expect from it. Marriage is the most intimate relationship. In the beginning it appears that both partners are willing to do anything for each other. They fall madly in love. It’s a romantic affair: “we are made for each other”; “our marriage was made in heaven”. But many times, the spouses expect the other half to be exactly what they want him or her to be. But nobody is what you want him or her to be. Due to unreasonable expectations from each other, the relationship can become stormy. Actually, we are not really made for each other, but we are made for God!

The material aspect of married life can be a source of great suffering. But if we have a higher purpose for being together, the struggle becomes meaningful. The highest purpose is cooperating together to serve and glorify God. Radhanath Swami explains, “Even if we put God in the center, the material aspect of married life can still cause suffering. But, amazingly, if God is in the center of the relationship, the typical relationship struggles will bring the two spouses closer to God”. When that happens, there will be real happiness, spiritual happiness.

Thus, despite occasional storms in the relationship, the spouses can find immense peace and happiness if only they keep God in the center.