Categories
Tolerate

Embroidery of life!

Embroidery of life! & Radhanath SwamiTo have faith in God’s goodness in trying circumstances opens the door of unlimited grace – Radhanath Swami

There was a little boy, whose mother used to embroider clothes for a living. He once sat at her knee and looked up from the floor and asked her what she was doing. She informed him that she was embroidering. From the underside as he watched her work, he complained that it looked messy. She smiled at him, and said gently to go and play and that when she is done, she will put him on her lap and let him see it from her side. All along, he would wonder why she was using some dark threads along with the bright ones and why they seemed so jumbled from his view. After some time, his mother called him, “Son, come and sit in my lap.” He was surprised and thrilled to see a beautiful flower in the garden. He could not believe it, because from underneath it looked so messy. Then mother said to him, “My son, from underneath it did look messy and jumbled, but you did not realize that there was a pre-drawn design on top. I was only following it and when you look at it from my side, you see the complete picture.”

As he grew up, many times through the years whenever he looked up to his Heavenly Father and said, “Father, what are You doing?” it seemed that the Lord answered, “I am embroidering your life.” He would think, “It looks like a mess to me. It seems so jumbled. The threads seem so dark. Why can’t they all be bright?” The Lord seemed to reply, “My child, you go about your business and one day I will bring you back to me and put you on lap and you will see the plan from My side.”

Radhanath Swami says, The ability to see God’s plan behind everything that happens in our life is very difficult; especially when things don’t work according to our plans. He further reiterates that it requires humility to accept that we are not the doers! Similarly in our married lives when we accept difficulties as a situation specially created for us such that one day we can enjoy the embroidery of life, and learn to tolerate, we become enabled to deal with many a trying circumstance and one day when we see the big picture, the entanglements of life appear on the distant other side.

Categories
Tolerate

Freedom to Fly

 

Freedom to FlyTolerance is one of the most important quality in a human being. It really needs courage to be tolerant in provoking situations. – Radhanath Swami

In married life, often times people give up, they separate or divorce. Well, they separate because they just cannot tolerate each other anymore. They become intolerant, they cannot see each other’s face, it becomes too disturbing and difficult to endure a living with the other.

There is a story of a man who pitied the butterfly’s struggle when it was forcing its body through a little hole of its cocoon. When it didn’t seem to make any progress, unable to bear its struggle, he snipped off the remaining bit of the cocoon with a pair of scissors. Then, though the butterfly came out quickly, it had a swollen body and small, shriveled wings. It came out prematurely and had to spend the rest of its life crawling around with a swollen body and shriveled wings. It never was able to fly. What the man in his kindness and haste did not understand was that its struggle to get out of the cocoon was God’s way of forcing fluid from the body of the butterfly into its wings so that it would be ready for flight once it achieved its freedom from the cocoon.

Similarly, though we may not realize, our struggles are exactly what we need in our life. If God gave us some struggle in life, we must accept it with the understanding that He is giving us the opportunity to become a beautiful butterfly with freedom from the cocoon, at the end if it. If we prematurely snip off the difficulties without enduring them, it would only leave us crippled.

Radhanath Swami says that there will be many storms in our life, but if, even in the impossible helpless situations, we endure it all and maintain our faith in the Lord, then that very storm will cleanse our heart.

Categories
Tolerate

The Mirror House

The Mirror HouseSpoilt children get everything they want and therefore expect that for the rest of their life everything will go their way. Of course, they don’t get what they want all the time and so they become irritable grown-ups – Radhanath Swami.

Once a happy little dog entered the House of 1000 Mirrors. When he arrived, he bounced happily up the stairs to the doorway of the house. He looked through the doorway with his ears lifted high and his tail wagging fast. To his great surprise, he found himself staring at 1000 other happy little dogs with their tails wagging just as fast. He smiled, and was answered with 1000 smiles just as warm and friendly. As he left the House, he thought to himself, “This is a wonderful place. I’ll visit it often.” Another little dog, who was not quite as happy as the first one, also decided to visit the house to cheer himself up. He slowly climbed the stairs and hung his head low as he looked into the door. When he saw the 1000 unfriendly looking dogs staring back at him, he growled at them and was horrified to see them all growling back at him. As he left, he thought to himself, “That is a horrible place, I will never come here again.”

After a busy day’s work, with all the physical exhaustion and mental stress, we return back to our homes. How welcome home feels depends on the mood in which we enter it. If we enter disgruntled and irritable, the spouse will catch our mood at least to some extent and home will no longer offer the rest and peace we are looking for. If this happens regularly enough, the thought of home will repel both husband and wife. What a sorry state of affairs would that be! On the other hand, despite the day-long toil, if we enter the house consciously garnering all our jolliness, how admiring would the spouse be? In today’s world, both husband and wife know that the other has busy work schedules. Knowing this well, if even one of the spouses proactively tries to garner the extra strength to be especially nice, what a profound influence would that be on the relationship.

Radhanath Swami explains that a devotee of God is never disheartened by the environment. The temporary environment around us is always changing. Sometimes everything is very favorable at work and home, and sometimes it’s not. We can translate whatever happens in our life into a positive opportunity to make steady spiritual advancement and come closer to God. Whoever we are, things will not always go our way. A true devotee is one who doesn’t complain even when put in the most trying circumstances. Instead, the true devotee moves forward with a grateful heart irrespective of the circumstances.

If we expect that our spouse will tolerate whatever tantrums we throw, then we will suffer. Instead, if we learn to be grateful in all situations, the unwelcome situations in the world would not disturb us too much. We will thus be able to remain joyful. And this joy will nourish the relationship between husband and wife.

Categories
Blog Relationships

Dealing with the male ego

Dealing with the male egoWith downcast eyes, Geeta confided, “I have a hard time respecting my husband. I want to be obedient to God’s command, but I don’t want to be dishonest to my feelings.”

Radhanath Swami says, “It’s not so difficult to be respectful, to be caring, or to be forgiving, but the mind makes it appear that way.” The solution is in putting our intelligence to use: understand that what we are resisting against is the actual path of dharma. Then it becomes easy to surrender our ego to the Lord. We can thus overcome the lower nature of the mind and the senses, and we can do the right thing. A wife’s dharma is to be respectful towards her husband. But many a times, our endeavor and life’s mission is to change the husband! Isn’t it? Expecting my husband to understand me, to appreciate me, and to give me few minutes of undivided attention, many a time I’ve fallen trap to what I call a vicious circle: unfulfilled expectation, anger and resentment, harsh words inadvertently provoking the husband’s anger and the battle begins! What seems like an innocent beginning ends disastrously. I learnt the hard way that this is what happens when I take shelter of my mind instead of my dharma (duty).

A wise woman once told me, “If you want a truly fine husband, respect him at the level at which you want him to reach.” Strong evidences indicate that a woman holds great power to make or break a man.
In his book His Needs, Her Needs, Willard Harley amends the saying, “Behind every great man is a great woman” to “Behind every great man is an admiring wife.”
A man usually likes to be respected. That’s the male ego and when he doesn’t get it, often times he becomes frustrated or violent and there arises a domestic problem. But when his wife gives him due respect, something wonderful happens. He thrives and grows toward godliness. When his need to be respected is fulfilled, something more amazing happens, something that every wife ever craves for! He tries to fulfil all the needs of his wife, lovingly. I’ve known a couple who seem to be perfectly leading their married life even after many years of marriage – no fights but cooperation, harmonious dealings and very much happy to be with each other! I kept wondering the secret of their success and bingo, one day it dawned upon me when I was intimately speaking with the wife. She was very respectful whenever she spoke about her husband and in her day-to-day life, was careful to fulfil his minute needs as well, even at the expense of bearing personal inconveniences. For that matter, I’ve never seen her speak disrespectfully about her husband, even to her closest friends or family members. Mahabharath narrates of Queen Draupadi advising Queen Sathyabama on how to please ones husband. She concludes that the behaviour of a wife based upon regard for the husband is the eternal virtue for women.

Of course, the husband has his part to play. The Manu-Samhita (the laws of all social classes of Hinduism) declares that it is the duty of the husband to satisfy the wife by riches, clothes, love, respect and pleasing words. The husband should never do anything displeasing to her. In Srimad Bhagavatam we see that Lord Krishna Himself was acting even as a hen-pecked husband, just for the pleasure of his surrendered wives. He even fought with the demigods to get the parijata flower and hence please his wife.

I’m including a self-help kit (Appendix 1) which I borrowed from a Christian missionary organization helping people discover Jesus. It gives practical step by step tips for wives, so it can be a useful instrument. And for those who want to raise their benchmark, there is more about Queen Draupadi’s advice to Queen Sathyabama at Appendix 2. Read on and happy respecting!

Appendix 1: 10 Steps Towards Respecting Your Husband

1. Pray for him daily and trust the Lord to answer your requests.
a. Pray for his well-being, wisdom, protection, blessings, guidance, knowledge, spiritual maturity, success, purity, strength in temptation, etc.
b. Look for God’s answers to your prayers.
c. Thank God for working on your family.
d. Thank God for your husband.
e. Pray for your attitude.
2. Remember that the Lord has put your husband in a position of leadership, and He will lead you through your husband.
3. Make a list of your husband’s qualities that you appreciate. Review and add to your list regularly.
4. Tell your husband what you appreciate about him. Tell others what you appreciate about him.
5. Don’t criticize your husband to others – especially to your children.
6. Look for the positive side of things that you may find irritating. If you find it boring when he spends time telling you about his bad day, remember that at least he is talking to you, spending time with you, sharing his concerns with you, bringing you into his confidence, and giving you the chance to be an encourager and helper.
7. Respond to his requests with enthusiasm.
8. If you are concerned about a decision your husband has made, ask him the following:
a. “I’m confused about _________. Can you explain it to me?”
b. “Can we talk about _____? I feel uncomfortable about ______.”
c. Don’t ask: “WHY in the world would you do it that way?” or ask “Why?” in any way that implies you think he is foolish.
9. Respect his likes and dislikes.
10. If you find yourself thinking negative thoughts about your husband, stop and choose to think of something else – especially things from your positive quality list. (or refer to my previous blog article)

Remember, God is working on you and your husband. You can both learn from your failures as well as your successes. Give God the freedom to teach your husband through failure. In the same way, give God the freedom to teach you to trust Him through your husband’s failure.

Appendix 2: Excerpts from Queen Draupadi’s advice to Sathyabama-

“…Keeping aside vanity and controlling desire and anger, I always serve with devotion my husbands and their other wives. I wait upon them with a deep devotion of the heart, by restraining jealousy and relinquishing any sense of degradation or humiliation that may arise due to the services I perform. I never use angry or fretful speech and I never imitate wicked women. I always do what is agreeable to them and I am never idle.” “I always discharge without idleness of any kind those duties my mother-in-law imparted to me. My husbands have become obedient to me because of my diligence, alacrity, and humility with which I serve superiors. Every day, I personally wait upon the revered and truthful Kunti, that mother of heroes, with food, drink and clothes. I never show any preference for myself over her in matters of food and dress. And I never verbally reprove her. I never speak ill about my mother-in-law.” “Such behaviour, which is based upon regard for the husband, is the eternal virtue for women.” “I used to serve the Kuru princes day and night, bearing hunger and thirst so that my nights and days were the same to me. I used to be the first to wake up and the last to go to bed. This, O Satyabhama, is the charm that has made my husbands obedient to me.”

– Mrs. Preethi Dhiman

…Read Articles in preethi’s Blog

Categories
Love

The Imposter

The Imposter“When there is love in our heart, only love will come out” — Radhanath Swami

Lasting relationships are based on love. And yet, why do so many loving relationships see unhappy endings? It’s not because love was lost, but because it was never really love; it was the look-alike, i.e., lust.

The difference between lust and love is that one is selfish while the other is selfless. Lust is based on ignorance and love on truth. Under the misconception that they are mere physical bodies, many lovers seek from their partners sensations that give pleasure to their own bodies. This is selfish lust, because the goal is one’s own pleasure. The proof of such selfishness is that as soon as the partner stops providing enough pleasure, the so-called love vanishes.

But real love is selfless. It’s about giving, not taking; it’s about the beloved, not the lover. True love is based on the truth that we are not mere physical bodies. We are eternal souls residing within our bodies. The eternal nature of the soul is to love God and all His children selflessly. When we understand this eternal nature of the soul, and when we experience the sublime pleasure of giving ourselves selflessly to reach the soul of an­other, then we know what true love is.

“When our desires get disconnected from eternal truth, they become lust. But when our desires get reunited with eternal truth, all of them become an ex­pression of true love.” — Radhanath Swami.

Categories
Blog Relationships

Ding Dong Bell, Come Join us in the Well!!

Ding Dong Bell Come Join us in the Well!!Hello to all those in the “Well of Married life”. I crack this joke whenever I wish a couple on their marriage day: “Ding dong Bell! One more down the well!!” Please don’t baulk at this, for it does make people laugh! But it also makes them think that we are all in the same boat together sailing either towards paradise or towards hell, and now it is for us to decide what we want. Our married life can be a life of sacrifice uniting us for the higher purpose of serving God or it can be just a business arrangement to fulfill our selfish needs and desires.

But one thing is a fact. We are all united with a common thread. For example, when ladies meet
together there are few topics which everyone connects with immediately: husband and children, in-laws
and outlaws (nickname for in-laws :P.) My sister-in-law is very active in the kitty party scene. That’s the
place where ladies come together and have a good time discussing their husbands (or rather gossiping
about them.) Everyone has a good laugh, and everyone discovers the common traits among husbands.

1.They don’t like to be given directions while driving.
2.They love to throw wet towels on the bed after bath.
3.They don’t like to be told that they are wrong.
4.You have to agree unanimously with them that women are worst drivers.

5.Laugh at all their jokes (even though they are not so funny.)
6.Remember the account of all the shopping in the past month like a computer.
7.They think that if the children are doing badly in studies it’s because of wives and if they
excel it is because of them.
8. Expect the wife to take care of all the shopping, groceries, and provisions, get repairs done,
pay the bills, and teach the kids. (Still, they feel that wife is doing nothing!)
9. Throws a fit when told to do some housework.
10. And the list is endless… maybe some of you can add some more.

And I don’t know what men talk about when they meet. But I am sure they definitely don’t gossip about their wives. If we do ask them however, I am sure they may come up with a longer list about their wives, starting from nagging everyday to pick up the wet towel from the bed……. and it goes on…I won’t go in much detail about that.

Most married couples have the same problems. That’s what binds us together and so we are all connected with a common thread. So let us help each other to make our marriage a wonderful success and a happy experience. With this thought I would like to start a series of posts on how to understand the idiosyncrasies of each other, on how to tolerate and go ahead with a higher purpose of serving God and society by upholding the spiritual values and beliefs which we follow in our life.

– Dr. sandhya subramanian

…Read Articles in Sandhya’s Blog

Categories
Tolerate

The Shoemaker’s Son

The Shoemaker’s SonTo remain inspired, positive, faithful, and optimistic even in the most trying situations is the substance of our sincerity. The Lord puts the greatest souls through tough situations and even failures just to show us how they remain positive and inspired to carry on. – Radhanath Swami.

 

As President Abraham Lincoln entered to give his inaugural address, one rich aristocrat stood up and condescendingly said, “Mr. Lincoln, you should not forget that your father used to make shoes for my family.” The whole Senate laughed thinking that they had made a fool of Abraham Lincoln. Lincoln reacted in the most unexpected way. He replied, “Sir, I know that my father used to make shoes in your house for your family, and there will be many others here for whom he made shoes. Because nobody else could make shoes the way he could. He was a creator. His shoes were not just shoes; he poured his whole soul into them. I have learnt from my father how to make shoes. If you have any complaint, I can make another pair of shoes for you. But as far as I know, nobody has ever complained about shoes my father made. He was a genius, a great creator, and I am proud of my father”. The whole Senate was dumbstruck. Instead of feeling insulted by the nasty remark, Lincoln felt proud about his genius father.

 

“One’s greatness has to be estimated by how one is able to be tolerate provoking situations,” Radhanath Swami emphasizes. Provoking situations are an inevitable part of life, whoever we are. Depending on how we respond to them is really what determines how close we become to God. While being crucified, Lord Jesus was praying to the Lord to forgive those who were torturing him. It’s not what happens to us that hurts us; it’s our response that hurts. Contemplating on such examples of great devotees of God, we can find inspiration to tolerate the relatively minor inconveniences that inevitably arise when spouses stay together. Everyone is unique; disagreements and difference of opinions are bound to arise. Instead of responding rashly, one must learn to tolerate such inconveniences and remain united based on the higher principle of coming together and serving God.

 

Remember. No one can hurt you without your consent.