Its an often heard complaint from men that they don’t know how to deal with their upset wife. The question arises simply because men are ill-equipped to really know how a woman ‘feels.’
Women are made up of feelings, largely, just like men are made up of an healthy amount of ego. Addressing her feelings in the right manner is as important for her as is addressing the ego of a man in the right manner. It becomes especially true when she is upset with you! It might seem trivial in a man’s perspective that she is disturbed over an insignificant matter & you might just want your wife to brush it aside and expect her to move on with the more important matters in life. But wait, does it make sense to expect something from an already upset person? Common sense says no, isn’t it? Especially, to ignore someone’s hurt feelings and just walk over it as if nothing has happened will leave that person feel more hurt and more upset. Marriage is about care and respect. When you respect your wife’s feelings, she will respect & love you 100 folds more.
You might have good reasons but its her feelings that need to be healed right now and when it is a matter of feelings, logic or debate will not help the situation. When one is upset, it means that they experience something being taken away from them- they experience a lack or a hurt. If not healed right away, this lack will grow, add and multiply over a period of time and fester into a complicated situation which you at that point will be unable to reverse.
Instead of countering her being upset with your anger or harshness, you might want to treat her with kindness realizing that something has been taken away from the core of her heart & that has been caused by your own action/inaction. The position of humility and mutual respect is never truer than in marriage. Usually, when we take a humble position, solution automatically presents itself- providence sent! But assuming that humble position might not come to us naturally. Nevertheless, we can practice it by what I call stepping ‘out-of-your-body.’ When you remind yourself that you are not this body and that the other person is hurt & is seeking your kindness, you allow yourself to contemplate on ways you can make that person feel better, voila, the solution presents itself before you! If its too difficult to assume that position of humility, you can try to lend a sympathetic ear and allow your spouse to express her feelings. Just by listening to her woes, you can make your spouse feel better. In a marriage any situation or matter can be resolved just by listening to the other person sympathetically & in the long run, you can also build strong unbreakable bonds with each other.
Here are some dont’s :
a. Don’t ignore that your wife is upset with you. Acknowledge & take steps to pacify her.
b. Don’t start explaining how you are not wrong! By being defensive, you are telling her that you are not willing to ease her pain.
c. Don’t try to resolve the matter using logic. It will only worsen the situation.
d. Don’t belittle your wife’s feelings. You may not like how your spouse feels but you have to respect it. By respecting her feelings, you inadvertently get your spouse on your side!
e. Don’t run away from the situation if you are on the wrong side. Nothing works in a marriage like a genuine apology.
If you find that your wife is unwilling to open up or tell you what is bothering her, then give her time by assuring her that you are always available for her. It takes patience to heal a deep seated wound formed over a long period of time.
Radhanath Swami gives a simple insightful message on happiness in marriage. He says ‘seeing other people in terms of their desires rather than your own is the basic principle of loving them. Whenever there are differences, be respectful.’