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Mind Games

Mind Games

We are what we think. Research has proven how our thoughts ultimately define our personality. Medical science also shows close connections of negative thoughts harbored over a long period of time manifesting into disease conditions in the body. They say a healthy body is a reflection of a healthy mind. But the million dollar question is, do we really pay attention to what our mind leads us up to?

Let’s take a closer look at how we deal with our senses. We walk past a butcher shop and the foul smell emanating immediately urges us to hold our breath. We put a spoonful of food in the mouth but if it is spoilt, we spits it out instantaneously. Its Deepavali time and a young boy is bursting a loud sounding cracker, we are quick to close our ears. If a thorn pricks us, we immediately withdraw our leg. Our natural sense of protection is very high when it comes to our gross senses, isn’t it? We choose to smell fragrant things, pleasurable food for the tongue, melodious music for the ears and soft things to touch, but do we have any idea what we choose as food for our mind? I suggest an exercise for you today. Pick up a pen and paper & make two columns-positive & negative. Make a mark for every positive or every negative thought you had in the course of the day. Be your natural self and be honest with yourself. At the end of the day, a look at the paper will reveal what kind of thoughts you are feeding your mind.

In marriage, there is a popular term, its called the seven year itch. The reason is seven years is long enough time for the honeymoon period to wane off, for you to be get your first child and for familiarity to breed in. Radhanath Swami says, ‘In this material world, the more intimate your relationship is, the more you expect that person to be what you want them to be.’ Soon couples find themselves being critical of the other, many times intolerant, judgmental (sometimes of every move or every spoken/unspoken word of the spouse or other family members!), uncaring or demeaning the other’s efforts, cold behavior, blame games, behaving hatefully towards each other (at least in the mind). Accumulating hurt and seeking opportunities to avenge hurt is another engagement of the negative mind. Often our dirty mind coupled with our egoistic inclinations, complicate the situation further. One negative thought normally leads to another, and soon your mind is being bashed with wave after wave of negative thoughts and these accumulated negative thoughts erode the happiness of families and lead them onto a path of destruction.

If you do not do something to stem the tide of negativity running a muck in your mind, it can really hurt the health of your mind, body and your precious relationships. If you genuinely want to rectify this ongoing war-like situation, you have to recognize the problem. To recognize the problem is half the battle won i,e you have to look yourself honestly in the mirror of your heart and see how much of what seems to be the problem has got generated in your ‘mind,’ due to its negative thought pattern and then, accepting or admitting your mind’s role in all of it. Remembering that you are not your mind helps!

For ease of purpose, let me quickly list the various categories of negative thoughts that I found in the medical journal New health partnerships.

 

Overgeneralization. “Always” or “Never” statements – “He never helps me with household work.” “Nobody cares.”

Fortune Telling. Thinking you can predict the future or predict how other people will react. “Only when I die, you will realize my worth.” “My wife’s father is an angry man, so she might have his genes of anger.” 

Focusing on the Negative / Ignoring the Positive. Looking at the bad and not the good. “She didn’t come to my birthday party. She must not like me,” (Ignoring the card she sent.)

Blaming Yourself or Others. “It’s your family’s fault that they didnt teach you good behavior.” “It’s because of my children that I dont have time for myself.” 

All or Nothing. If it’s not a full success, it’s a complete failure. “I wanted to lose 20 pounds and I only lost 10. I just can’t lose weight.”  

Magnifying.“The whole world is against me.” “Self-management would take all my time.” 

Personalizing. If someone’s in a bad mood or something goes wrong, it must be your fault. “Oh, she’s really in a bad mood. What did I say?” 

Many times our negative thought is because of lack of right information. So, before a negative thought occurs, try to evaluate if you have the right & complete information & if you dont have it, seek it. Remember that by jumping to conclusion prematurely, you are harming yourself and creating future stress.

 

One of the magical ways, I’ve found to deal with a negative thought is to nip it in the bud. Its easy to deal with it right at the beginning before it festers into something big & ugly. Right when the first negative thought of the day is coming your way, arrest it and replace it with its positive counterpart. Eg: Replace “oh, a long and stressful day ahead of me.” with “Let me plan this bright and sunny day so that I achieve many things today.” In this way, counter each and every negative thought with a positive one. Voila, at the end of the day, you feel lighter and brighter! A positive framework helps you deal with others better.

 

Throw the negative self-script out of the window and use self-affirmation statements to combat negativity due to low self-esteem. You could write down a statement which counteracts the negative feelings about yourself such as “I am very courageous and can deal with all situations calmly in my life.” and say it to yourself whenever you feel the need. 

Diverting your mind to a better activity is better than suppressing a negative thought as suppressed thoughts are sure to resurface.

 

If there are blocks such as deep hurts that wont let you counter those thoughts, dont give up!  Remind yourself that your mind is tricking you to take shelter in negativity again. So, dont allow your mind to dwell on the hurt or the situation any longer. You have already given it enough time and attention. Move away from your role as a victim. Embrace the art of forgiveness. Realize the true value in forgiving & the changes it can bring in your life. Forgive (in your mind first) and let go of that hurt or still better surrender the hurt to the Lord. Repeat as many times as the thought occurs to you.

 

Finally, go for an early morning walk to freshen your mind and thoughts or join a yoga school or start exercising. Focus on adapting a healthy lifestyle and on getting fitter. Exercise can help you to increase the hormones in your body responsible for happy emotions. You can practice relaxation techniques such as pranayama to release negative thoughts from your mind.

 

In the Bhagavad-Gita, the great archer of all times, Arjuna, is expressing his difficulty in controlling his obstinate mind and Lord Krishna gives him hope by suggesting that by ‘practice’ it is possible. Srila Prabhupada, in the purport to this verse elaborates ‘hearing of the transcendental activities of the Lord is a very powerful transcendental method for purging the mind of all misgivings.’ When we develop a higher taste, the mind naturally detaches itself from all sorts of lower tastes. Let me leave you with this thought, ‘adios!’

– Mrs Preethi Dhiman

…Read Articles in Preethi’s Blog

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Tolerate

Toys are poison

Fighting for Petty Things“My mother witnessed her three little sons as they fought amongst themselves over toys. She used to say “toys are poison” because they cause so much trouble” — Radhanath Swami

Adults look at children and say, “Such stupid children, fighting over such stupid things. After all, what is a toy? Just a cheap piece of plastic. And these children are fighting over it!” But adults have their ‘toys’ too, both animate and inanimate, over which they fight—who belongs to whom, what belongs to whom. And sometimes that fight ends in a divorce. If we simply understand the second chapter of Bhagavata Gita, all problems of this world will be solved. This chapter tells us who we really are. We are not this body, for whose needs we childishly fight. We are spirit souls. Our original nature is that we are eternal, full of knowledge, and full of bliss.

As a spirit soul passes from boyhood to youth to old age, at the time of death, the spirit soul will simply enter another body (BG 2.13). Why then should we make such a big deal out of superficial temporary situations? As for the temporary happiness derived from temporary ‘toys’ of this world, Prahlad, a King of Vedic times, said something interesting. “Nobody tries for miseries, but they come anyways. Similarly, even happiness will come anyways. So, why endeavor for happiness?” He goes one step further, “If anybody wants to be happy, it is very easy. Just stop endeavoring to be happy in this material world. Because as soon as we endeavor to be happy, we become implicated by all the causes of suffering. Whatever happiness and distress is going to come, will come anyways, whether you try for it or not. So why not spend our valuable time to cultivate spiritual happiness by turning to God?”

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Tolerate

A Lesson from Gandhi’s Life

Lesson from Gandhi's LifeThis is the solution for almost every problem in marriage, these two words—‘forget it’!—Radhanath Swami

 

There is an extremely instructive incident in the life of Mahatma Gandhi which Radhanath Swami’s guru, His Divine Grace Srila Bhaktivedanta Swami Prabhupada, often narrated. Gandhi once had a serious fight with his wife.

They both got to a point where they became extremely emotional and Gandhi shouted at his wife asking her to get out of his house. Kasturba Gandhi cried and walked out. Though Gandhi was the pioneer of ahimsa or non-violence of the modern age, though he was the inspiration for Martin Luther King and so many others to bring about change in society based on that non-violence, and though he was much against fighting, yet here he was, fighting with his wife. That’s the nature of marriage. Radhanath Swami derives a lesson out of this incident, “Mahatma Gandhi is having trouble keeping peace in his house, though he was much more experienced and empowered than anyone of you. Therefore, you must not be under the illusion that you will not have any troubles in your married life.”

 

After sometime when Gandhi opened the door, he saw his wife sitting out on the walkway. So he asked her why she was still sitting there when he had asked her to go away. In reply she looked up at him and said she had nowhere else to go. Gandhi smiled and asked her to just forget it and took her inside the house. And that was the end of the conflict.

 

Radhanath Swami concludes, “This is the solution for almost every problem in marriage- these two words ‘forget it’!”


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Blog Relationships

Marriage is like walking on egg shells

Happy marriage Have you ever felt that you are treading on egg shells in your married life? That is, when you feel that you never know when your husband or wife can yell or express disappointment at your behavior, or when you can never understand what reaction to expect. It can be very, very difficult. I know of one couple who always have a misunderstanding or an argument at the end of every sentence. It might seem like an exaggeration but it’s true. In fact, this is quite common and can happen to the best of couples. Maybe it has something to do with staying together too closely for a long time — and that leads to a lot of friction.  But then, after a certain point it becomes too much!

Now, you may wonder what the solution for this problem is. It all boils down to good communication skills. Communication skills are most important for maintaining good relations with your spouse. For ex., how do you respond to your partner when you disagree with what he/she has told you? What if your spouse does something that you don’t like? Do you yell? Give them the silent treatment? Or find ways to punish your spouse?

The response we offer when we disagree or when we are frustrated can have a big impact on the relationship. Recognizing our typical patterns is the first step in deciding how we are impacting the relationship. Think of the last few disagreements and look at how you responded. Examine what you were hoping would happen as a result of your behaviors. For example, did you give the silent treatment for a day in hopes that your spouse “would learn their lesson?” If so, did it work?

Keeping the communication channels open always is most important in a marriage. Mostly out of frustration people tend to complain, criticize or compare with others which lead to further problems. So instead of complaining or criticizing one should express one’s need in a positive and direct way. For example, a wife who wants more help around the house says, “I always have to do everything around here and no one else lifts a finger.” This is not likely to motivate her husband to spring into action and help her clean. However, she could make a direct request such as, “could you please do the dishes tonight?”

Communication that involves attacking your partner will not yield positive results. Instead, it is likely to create more problems for the relationship. Attacking your partner verbally may include obvious forms such as name calling, or it may include more subtle forms in an attempt to manipulate your partner.

Name calling is never productive. Avoid the “you” messages that blame the other person. Statements such as “you never do what I want to do,” are not likely to be helpful. Instead, “I” statements such as “I feel hurt that we don’t ever get to visit my mother together” are more likely to lead to an open and honest discussion. “I” statements do not place blame but instead describe a feeling and can lead to a discussion that helps solve a problem.

So in this way, we see that marriage need not be a battle of words, but a comfortable relationship in which two individuals can express themselves with respect for each others views and desires. As Radhanath swami explains that a couple may have a beautiful house, nice car, so many servants, so much jewelry and furniture and fame and power within society but if the person’s affectionate relationship with his/her spouse is not proper then that person will be miserable no matter what. Everyone does get into arguments and misunderstanding, even children do. But the ‘big’ children are often more foolish than little children. Little children fight and make up when offered some sweet, but when elders fight, they may never be able to trust each other for the rest of their lives!!!

Dr. Sandhya…Read Sandhya’s Blog

 

 

 

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Blog Relationships

Words of Wisdom

Words of Wisdom on MarriageAn essential part of a Vedic wedding is to have the august presence of spiritual preceptors, elders and other senior guests from both sides of the family. To receive blessings from such spiritually enlightened personalities is considered so auspicious for the new couple. Blessings come in many forms. One of the most important forms of blessings is to get to hear words of wisdom and knowledge from such personalities, for their words come from many years of ardent spiritual practice and realizations and service to their own spiritual preceptors. Their words can be our source of guidance for rest of our lives.

One such wedding was that of Sachin and Neha (names changed for privacy). They had Radhanath Swami as their esteemed guest of honor. After the ceremony of ‘Kanya Daan’, Radhanath Swami spoke eloquently to all the assembled guests and the newly weds explaining the significance of marriage and the duties of a husband and a wife towards each other.

Some years passed after the wedding and Neha started to experience many varieties of harshness in the behavior of her family towards her. Her in laws especially treated her very rudely and it kept getting worse steadily. Her husband Sachin found himself unable to do anything to make things better, on the contrary, he would only keep chiding his wife that she does not adequately respect his parents. The matter got so horrible for Neha with constant mental torture and physical abuse. The major issue between them was that each of them felt there is no respect for the other’s parents.

When Sachin and Neha’s spiritual mentors became aware of the situation, they tried to help them understand each others role in making this marriage work and what havoc it would create if they end up in a divorce. It did not seem to make things better. At one point of time, their spiritual mentors discussed the matter with Radhanath Swami. Radhanath Swami told them something very profound, “most marriages in a spiritual organization end because of mundane desires in the heart that the partner does not fulfil, it is seldom because of any spiritual concern. We rarely hear of marriages in a spiritual society breaking because of the spouse not allowing the husband/wife to follow the spiritual principles”.

 

Sachin and Neha decided upon the inevitable way to end their mutual suffering – divorce. Before going ahead with divorce they lived separately for almost three years. After this difficult period of a three year separation, the family court pronounced January 14th 2008 as the day when both of them will officially divorce. Just the day before, Sachin met Radhanath Swami and asked, “What should I do?” Radhanath Swami told him, “What did I advice you on the day of your wedding? Just meditate on that.”

Sachin heard the recorded address that Radhanath Swami spoke on the day of his wedding and felt tremendous amount of transformation. In the courtroom he sat face to face with Neha and they both mutually decided to give their marriage one more chance. Today, both of them are living a happy life of contentment on all levels.

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Appreciate

The Wisdom of the Porcupines

God awards those who weathered all their differences to base their life on a higher principle, with deep affection and love for each other. Then marriage becomes a wonderful experience.-Radhanath Swami

 

To forget our mundane differences or to learn to tolerate them with a sense of responsibility towards each other becomes very easy when we lead a life with a higher goal. And when that higher goal is directed towards love of God, we gradually develop faith and loyalty towards each other. We soon become the best of friends, and those little differences seem much more tolerable than before.

 

A story: one winter, many animals died because of cold. The porcupines, realizing the situation, decided to group together. This way they covered and protected themselves; but the quills of each one wounded their closest companions even though they gave off heat to each other. Because they could not tolerate this pain after a while, they decided to distance themselves from the other and soon they began to die, alone and frozen. So they had to make a choice: either accept the quills of their companions or disappear from the Earth. Wisely, they decided to go back to being together and learned to live with the little wounds that were caused by the close relationship with their companion, but the most important part of it was the heat that came from the others. In this way they were able to survive.

 

Moral of the story: The best relationship is not the one that brings together perfect people, but the best is when each individual learns to live with the imperfections of others and can admire the other person’s good qualities. In other words: Learn to love the pricks in your life.

 

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Radhanath Swami Tolerate

Aspire to be a china cup

China Cup“For a relationship like marriage to work in this world, it is very difficult! In fact, for anything great to work in this world, it is very difficult.”-Radhanath Swami

If we want a relationship to have deep substance, deep meaning and deep fulfillment, difficulties have to be endured. Just like the beautiful china cup which was once just a lump of red clay. The potter rolled it, pounded and patted it over and over, though the lump of clay did not like it. And that was not the end. The potter then placed it on a spinning wheel, spun that clay to dizzying speed, poked, prodded and bent the clay out of shape to suit his needs. The potter then put the clay in the oven and treated it to torturous heat. Though it went through unbearable times, there was more in store. The clay was put through cold treatment, brushed and painted with choking fumes, and laid back in the oven twice as hot. When the clay thought what was next, the potter placed it before a mirror and in that mirror it saw the unbelievable. The red lump of clay had transformed into the most beautiful china cup!

God knows what he’s doing for each of us. He is the potter, and we are his clay. He will mould us and expose us to pressures of just the right kinds that we may be made into a flawless piece of work to fulfill his good, pleasing and perfect will. So, when life seems hard, and you are being pounded and patted and pushed almost beyond endurance; when your world seems to be spinning out of control; when you feel like you are in a fiery furnace of trials, just know that at the end of it all, your life is set to be transformed into something beautiful that you never imagined.

When we endure difficulties in our relationships knowing for a fact that it will help us grow into a beautiful person, God enables us to grow.