Tag: husband

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Love

Become a Zen Master

Become a Zen Master

 

Become a Zen MasterOur inner depth should be as much as that of the ocean, so we are not fazed by external praise or criticism. For that, we must have love in our heart for others and we must help people. And when we achieve inner depth, the external world’s rewards won’t matter to us as much. – Radhanath Swami

A young and rather boastful champion challenged a Zen master who was renowned for his skill as an archer. The young man demonstrated remarkable technical proficiency when he hit a distant bull’s eye on his first try, and then split that arrow with his second shot. “There,” he said to the old man, “see if you can match that! Undisturbed”, the master did not draw his bow, but rather motioned for the young archer to follow him up the mountain. Curious about the old fellow’s intentions, the champion followed him high into the mountain until they reached a deep chasm spanned by a rather flimsy and shaky log. Calmly stepping out onto the middle of the unsteady and certainly perilous bridge, the old master picked a faraway tree as a target, drew his bow, and fired a clean, direct hit. “Now it is your turn,” he said as he gracefully stepped back onto the safe ground.

Staring with terror into the seemingly bottomless and beckoning abyss, the young man could not force himself to step out onto the log, no less shoot at a target. “You have much skill with your bow,” the master said, sensing his challenger’s predicament, “but you have little skill with the mind that lets loose the shot.”

Externally we might polish our houses and show that everything in our world is alright but when we are put in a provoking situation, we have a tendency to react adversely and let loose shots. We deal with our partners day in and day out and in our dealings we have to see if we are like the young archer or the old master. Do we get carried away easily by flimsy reasons, get hurt or angry at the drop of a hat, get frustrated when our expectations are not met or we have the ability to tolerate provoking situations, to respect each other in all situations, to care for the other and love them unconditionally without allowing the mind to interfere in our relationship?

The Vedic scriptures give a secret formula to develop inner depth and rise above the ordinary, not only in our interactions but also in the quality of our lives. It urges that we are not this body which we deeply identify with but we are spirit souls, part and parcel of the Supreme Lord. When we as partners, together strive to understand this relationship between us & the Supreme Lord and repose our lost love in the Supreme loving Lord, our life rises above the ordinary. Only then, with this full understanding and knowledge, it is possible to situate in the self and tolerate any kind of provoking situation. When we develop this level of tolerance, we automatically evoke affection, respect & love and in this way we can achieve lasting peace and happiness in our married lives.

‘One who is not connected with the Supreme can have neither transcendental intelligence nor a steady mind, without which there is no possibility of peace. And how can there be any happiness without peace?’ (Bhagavad Gita 2.66)

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Appreciate

Love in marriage?

Love in marriage?

Love in marriage?Scene 1: (morning)

Wife to husband: I am going to throw the rubbish, why are you still reading the newspaper? Arent you getting late for office? [I asked him to throw the rubbish, he simply doesnt care to help me!]

Husband: Is the breakfast ready? [Everyday I have to remind her that I have to leave office by 8.00am. I’m always reaching office late!]

Wife: Breakfast is there on the table. Please help yourself as I have to throw the rubbish now. [when I ask him to do some work, he immediately picks a reason to bash me up]

Husband: Cant you do that later and serve me breakfast instead? What is this, Upma again? [Aman always tells how nicely his wife serves him everyday]

Wife: Do you have anything else except complaints for me? [I am fed up. What happened to all the love he was proclaiming he had for me after our marriage?]

Husband: Look, don’t start off another duel of words early in the morning. My whole day gets spoilt. Its an important day for me at work. [I better leave now, before another war of words starts. I have to call Raman and ask him to check on the meeting preparations].

Wife: If work is the most important thing for you in your life, why did you marry me? [feels hurt & breaks down]

Husband: I dont have time for this now, I’m leaving! [angrily slams the door as he’s
leaving]

Scene 2: (morning)

Wife to husband: Oh dear, will you please throw the rubbish. If I dont start making the dosas now, you’ll get late.

Husband: Sure dear..anything for you and your simply wonderful dosas!

Wife: [Smiles] Stop flattering me! oh! I forgot completely that its an important day for you at work today. You get ready dear and I will throw the rubbish later.

Husband: Thanks Uma. You are so understanding, it takes the pressure off me! I’ll come early this evening and let’s go for our long forgotten walk in the park, what say?

Wife: [All happy] Okey-dokey! Breakfast is ready!

Husband: I’m more ready!

[both share a good laugh]

The secret to happiness and love in marriage, Radhanath Swami says is when there is culture of service and appreciation. Srimad Bhagavatam identifies the major enemies that attack us from within and pit us against one another as lust, pride, envy, greed, sinful activities and vanity. By learning to subdue these enemies within ourselves, we become happy and peaceful in our marriage relationships, and indeed in all of our relationships. These enemies can gradually be subdued by spiritual practices, such as chanting the holy names of the Lord.

“In everyday life, our relationships with one another are practice for the divine relationships we will eventually experience. The quality of our interactions indicates how well we are preparing ourselves for association with the Supreme Lord.”(HH Bhaktitirtha Swami)

Categories
Tolerate

Put It Down!

Put It Down!

Put It Down!The power to forgive is the sign of real inner strength and integrity – Radhanath Swami.

A professor began his class by holding up a glass with some water in it. He held it up for all to see and asked the students,’ How much do you think this glass weighs?’ ’50gms!’…. ‘100gms!’…..’125gms’…the students answered.

What would happen if I held it up like this for a few minutes? ‘Nothing’ the students said. ‘Ok what would happen if I held it up like this for an hour?’ the professor asked. ‘Your arm would begin to ache’ said one of the students.

You’re right, now what would happen if I held it for a day?’ ‘Your arm could go numb, you might have severe muscle stress and paralysis and have to go to hospital for sure!’ ventured another student and all the students laughed. ‘Very good. But during all this, did the weight of the glass change?’ asked the professor. ‘No’ ‘Then what caused the arm ache and the muscle stress?’ ‘Put the glass down!’ said one of the students.

We have seen many marriages marred by old scars of misunderstandings and unmet expectations. Just like young kids, young relationships are also very impressionable. Before the strong bond of camaraderie has formed between the spouses, any little
point can scratch the relationship. And if the little wound is not nursed and the emotional bleeding not arrested immediately, the innocuous looking episode can lead to permanent scars. Scars don’t hurt physically, but their very sight reminds us of the episode that caused them; and that hurts, over and over again, forever.

The professor just taught the students a priceless lesson. Put it down! Don’t carry the day’s small disagreements on your mind for days. Perhaps your spouse was harsh today, perhaps he or she needled your weak spot. That doesn’t make him or her your worst enemy. Yes, it hurt, but talk it out and get done with it. If not addressed immediately, you will find yourself referring to this one old silly incident years afterwards. Years of carrying it would have artificially blown up the issue out of proportions – just as the glass’s weight “increased” after holding it for long.

Radhanath Swami explains that the nature of the mind is that it’s never satisfied. The mind can’t tolerate any little opposition. It expects more and more from the partner. And the more you expect, the more you suffer. Humility is the divine virtue that brings gratitude and inner satisfaction. It bestows the sublime quality of forgiveness. As long as we hold grudges against people who we think have done something wrong to us, that hard feeling is like a fire that burns our very soul. It is miserable to hold grudges against our spouse.

Radhanath Swami concludes: Forgiveness is real power. Holding grudges is a sign of weakness and cripple-mindedness. The power to forgive is the sign of real inner strength and integrity.

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Blog Relationships

Believe in Yourself – No matter what He says!

Believe in Yourself- No matter what He says!

Believe in Yourself- No matter what He says!Most women face this day-in and day-out in their roles as house wives, mothers and daughter- in- laws: being placed under a microscope 24/7; observed, corrected, judged, and sometimes ridiculed. It is too much for one person to take. But somehow it becomes a part of your job as a wife, mother and daughter-in-law all rolled into one. And the people whom we are trained to please from our very childhood are our dear husbands, our in-laws (more difficult than qualifying for Guinness Records) and sometimes even our kids.

Somewhere along the way, catering to everyone’s needs, wants and desires, your own needs and desires take a back seat. Along with all that we are tagged with labels such as “ she is no good”, “ she is too slow in her work”, “ her cooking is not up to the mark”, or simply “ why can’t she be on time”! Especially “HE” is someone who is the hardest to please. However much you bend backwards to serve him, he finds newer and newer disqualifications. So much so that after some time we start thinking maybe he is right….. “ there is nothing Great about me. Basically, I am a no-good wife, mother and daughter in law.” But No! That’s where we go wrong. We believe others more than we believe in ourselves.

As a woman you have to live up to and cater to the expectations of so many people in your life and that can get too much to take sometimes. And you cannot please everyone. By now you must have realized this plain and simple fact. It all boils down to attitude. Successful housewives are those who have a completely chilled out attitude towards life, where they don’t let anything bog them down. A woman with an attitude will never let the bickering from her husband get to her. I know of one such person, my friend’s mother. I would visit her regularly and one common feature I would see was her husband go on and on about how inefficient she was. He would find faults with her from the moment she woke up in the morning. “Tea has so less sugar”, “where my breakfast ”,“ why is the shirt not ironed” and “you always make me late to work” etc. For me, if someone went on and on like that it would get to my nerves in a jiffy and produce a really unpleasant reaction. But I would see this woman, how patiently she would smile and say “Oh how foolish of me, I will just make it right” and she would actually smile through the whole thing. What an amazing level of tolerance. Anyone would think, “She is so backward. She cannot even stand for herself.” But over the years I have seen how her attitude of always seeing the good and not getting bogged down by all the criticism aimed at her has always kept her in good spirits. More than that, she gradually earned the respect of her husband, who stopped criticizing her in due course of time. And today he does not take one decision without first consulting her and has so much regard for her.

If we analyze the whole thing, we realize that she was not affected by all the criticism as she believed in her capabilities and did not let HIS words affect her self esteem. She had enough self respect to never react or get angry with her husband. And eventually she got him to behave himself! Now that’s what I call a Lady who believes in herself!

– Dr. Sandhya Subramanian

…Read Articles in Sandhya’s Blog

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Blog Relationships

With great power comes great responsibility!

With great power comes great responsibility!

Great-Power-and-great-ResponsibilityThe Vedic Scriptures declare that a woman must be under the shelter of her father before marriage and her husband after marriage. A woman can vouch for it more than anybody else. Because, she needs to feel secure, she needs to feel cared! What does it translate to for the husband?

If you are like the boss who expects his employee to perform exceeding his expectation but tries to keep his employee’s demands at bay; i.e., if you are unconsciously preoccupied trying to keep your wife’s demands at bay rather than being totally committed to meeting her needs, regardless of the cost, you will only end up with a frustrated wife.

Rather, if you were like a sensitive, caring employer and you walked up to your employee and said, “You know, I’ve really been thinking about you lately. I wonder if there is anything I can provide for you to make your job more enjoyable. Also, am I paying you enough?” That would be any employee’s dream. Well, every woman’s dream is to have a husband who will manifest the same attitude.

‘Love’ and ‘care’ are action oriented verbs. So, you need to make deposits in that love bank to withdraw ‘love’ and ‘care’ from it. But are you one of those husbands who even today are in the dark as to what it takes to care for your wife in the right way? Don’t worry, your worries are no more!

Well, the secret is in satisfying her emotional need! When the emotional need of the woman is met, she feels loved and cared for in a relationship and is the happiest person around, but when it is not met, to put it mildly, she is a fireball! But what really is this emotional need of a woman? Emotional needs are different for different people. For one, it could be the daily 15 minute help in the kitchen during the rush hour, for another it could be help in maintaining a ‘tidy’ house, fulfilling a family commitment for another, admiration or affection for some, doing something together (domestic or recreational) for another. It could be one or more of these.

However, every woman I know of wants an intimate space from her husband for a heart-to-heart talk at the end of the day. A woman has the basic need to express her feelings and emotions (sometimes pent up!) and she has the need to talk about it to someone who can listen with an open mind, without trying to offer solutions. A woman experiences fulfillment through sharing and relating. A husband who realizes this fact can make room in his life to allow his wife to be expressive while he can be a good ‘listener.’ Do you know that the most common complaint of women world-over is that their husbands don’t listen? You can also develop a deeper bond with your wife if you open up to her with your own emotions and feelings. Many men have a hard time ‘opening up’ to women but note that this is an important part of a woman’s need, i.e., to feel that the two of you have a deep emotional connection.

When this emotional connection is established, you see magic happen! Your wife will feel secure and deeply satisfied in your marriage and what’s more you will have your wife always on your side, eager to serve you and care for you! You will be pleasantly surprised by how well your wife responds to her new atmosphere of security.

But a man often fears what his wife will do when he makes himself totally available to meet her needs. Let me tell you—that is the last thing to fear. You simply cannot imagine what a woman will do for her man if he will envelope her in an atmosphere of total security by laying down his selfish ways to meet her needs. Simply because you have become humble and have committed yourself to meeting your wife’s needs doesn’t mean you lose your authority or manhood. True and lasting authority is built, not broken, upon the foundation of sacrificial servanthood. It is true leadership by example.

Now, did I now give you the hard task of identifying your wife’s unique emotional need? Hmm, its pretty simple to find out. Just ask her with a genuine concern and she will detail it out for you but once you have made a commitment to her, stand by it! A woman can discern instinctively if her husband truly is caring for her.

Whenever Radhanath Swami solemnizes marriage, he always maintains that the primary duty of the husband is to protect his wife throughout her life, to protect her physically by providing the comforts and needs and to protect her emotionally by giving her appreciation and showing his genuine concern for her welfare in all aspects of her life and to spiritually protect her by giving all facilities to her for her own spiritual progress & being a good example himself.

I hope that you are able to find some cues herein on your journey of togetherness and that the journey becomes sweeter. In case you want me to elaborate on anything specific, please feel free to leave a note in reply. Take care!

– Mrs. Preethi Dhiman

…Read Articles in preethi’s Blog

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Blog Relationships

Marriage is like walking on egg shells!!!

Marriage is like walking on egg shells!!!Have you ever felt that you are treading on egg shells in your married life? That is, when you feel that you never know when your husband or wife can yell or express disappointment at your behavior, or when you can never understand what reaction to expect. It can be very, very difficult. I know of one couple who always have a misunderstanding or an argument at the end of every sentence. It might seem like an exaggeration but it’s true. In fact, this is quite common and can happen to the best of couples.

What is the solution for this problem? It all boils down to good communication skills. Communication skills are most important for maintaining good relations with your spouse. For ex., how do you respond to your partner when you disagree with what he/she has told you? What if your spouse does something that you don’t like? Do you yell? Give them the silent treatment? Or find ways to punish your spouse?

The response we offer when we disagree or when we are frustrated can have a big impact on the relationship. Recognizing our typical patterns is the first step in deciding how we are impacting the relationship. Think of the last few disagreements and look at how you responded. Examine what you were hoping would happen as result of your behaviors. For example, did you give the silent treatment for a day in hopes that your spouse “would learn their lesson?” If so, did it work?

Keeping the communication channels open always is most important in a marriage. Mostly, out of frustration people tend to complain, criticize or compare with others which lead to further problems. So instead of complaining or criticizing one should express one’s need in a positive and direct way. For example, a wife who wants more help around the house says, “I always have to do everything around here and no one else lifts a finger.” This is not likely to motivate her husband to spring into action and help her clean. However, she could make a direct request such as, “could you please do the dishes tonight?”

Communication that involves attacking your partner will not yield positive results. Instead, it is likely to create more problems for the relationship. Attacking your partner verbally may include obvious forms such as name calling, or it may include more subtle forms in an attempt to manipulate your partner.

Name calling is never productive. Avoid the “you” messages that blame the other person. Statements such as “you never do what I want to do,” are not likely to be helpful. Instead, “I” statements such as “I feel hurt that we don’t ever get to visit my mother together” are more likely to lead to an open and honest discussion. “I” statements do not place blame but instead describe a feeling and can lead to a discussion that helps solve a problem.

So in this way, we see that marriage need not be a battle of words, but a comfortable relationship in which two individuals can express themselves with respect for each others views and desires.

Radhanath Swami says, “a couple may have a beautiful house, nice car, so many servants, so much jewelry and furniture and fame and power within society but if the person’s affectionate relationship with his or her spouse is not proper then that person will be miserable no matter what. Everyone does have arguments and misunderstanding; even children do. But these big children are more foolish than little children. Little children fight and make up when offered some sweet, but when elders fight, they may never be able to trust each other for the rest of their lives!!!”

– Dr. Sandhya Subramanian

…Read Articles in Sandhya’s Blog

Categories
Tolerate

The Mirror House

The Mirror HouseSpoilt children get everything they want and therefore expect that for the rest of their life everything will go their way. Of course, they don’t get what they want all the time and so they become irritable grown-ups – Radhanath Swami.

Once a happy little dog entered the House of 1000 Mirrors. When he arrived, he bounced happily up the stairs to the doorway of the house. He looked through the doorway with his ears lifted high and his tail wagging fast. To his great surprise, he found himself staring at 1000 other happy little dogs with their tails wagging just as fast. He smiled, and was answered with 1000 smiles just as warm and friendly. As he left the House, he thought to himself, “This is a wonderful place. I’ll visit it often.” Another little dog, who was not quite as happy as the first one, also decided to visit the house to cheer himself up. He slowly climbed the stairs and hung his head low as he looked into the door. When he saw the 1000 unfriendly looking dogs staring back at him, he growled at them and was horrified to see them all growling back at him. As he left, he thought to himself, “That is a horrible place, I will never come here again.”

After a busy day’s work, with all the physical exhaustion and mental stress, we return back to our homes. How welcome home feels depends on the mood in which we enter it. If we enter disgruntled and irritable, the spouse will catch our mood at least to some extent and home will no longer offer the rest and peace we are looking for. If this happens regularly enough, the thought of home will repel both husband and wife. What a sorry state of affairs would that be! On the other hand, despite the day-long toil, if we enter the house consciously garnering all our jolliness, how admiring would the spouse be? In today’s world, both husband and wife know that the other has busy work schedules. Knowing this well, if even one of the spouses proactively tries to garner the extra strength to be especially nice, what a profound influence would that be on the relationship.

Radhanath Swami explains that a devotee of God is never disheartened by the environment. The temporary environment around us is always changing. Sometimes everything is very favorable at work and home, and sometimes it’s not. We can translate whatever happens in our life into a positive opportunity to make steady spiritual advancement and come closer to God. Whoever we are, things will not always go our way. A true devotee is one who doesn’t complain even when put in the most trying circumstances. Instead, the true devotee moves forward with a grateful heart irrespective of the circumstances.

If we expect that our spouse will tolerate whatever tantrums we throw, then we will suffer. Instead, if we learn to be grateful in all situations, the unwelcome situations in the world would not disturb us too much. We will thus be able to remain joyful. And this joy will nourish the relationship between husband and wife.